Checking in but not doing well
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
I know I haven't checked in here in ages...it's been super hectic this quarter. I'm here now because I feel so so alone and desperate. I binged today but that's not even the worst of it. I'm sure I'll be ok but recent situations have been difficult for me (and I even feel guilty for writing that because it's just "life" and I can barely deal with it).
Long story short, I took off a week from my TAing job and my other job to go on a family vacation. Sounds great, right?
The stress of rushing to finish stuff (made worse by having midterms to grade in a lot shorter time than I would normally have - just happened to be the timing) and finding someone to cover for me before leaving was bad. The stress of being in close quarters with my family for a week was bad. The stress of coming back (today) and the coincidence of stuff blowing up at work all of a sudden out of nowhere (after being dead for lots of January when I was around, suddenly, the week I leave, everything picks up, they have their kick-off meeting, a bunch of other talks/meetings, visitors from the UK, training, etc), when I can't be there, was bad.
I'm here because I am just freaking out. I couldn't get any work done on the trip for prep for TAing tomorrow else I'd miss something there. I kept going back and forth between telling myself it'll all be ok, that time with family is important (and it is, to me), etc. and just flipping out to the point of having a panic attack about feeling irresponsible, guilty, and on the verge of tears because I just can't handle this.
These past two weeks or so have made me realize I think I need to see a counselor/therapist again. I thought I was doing ok, but it's getting kind of scary. I hate that I have to do this. I hate that I've gotten to this point where I just feel like crying and sleeping forever and when I'm awake I'm almost physically sick from stress. I keep trying to breathe through it but my emotions are like a crazy sine wave; I'm always fighting to keep the stress from flying out of hand. Constant high level stress tends to cause me to get depressed, and I feel tinges of that. I need to do something about this before it gets worse...before I can't do anything about it. I am so upset and scared, and exhausted.
I can barely think of any positives but there is one good one so I'll write them as usual...
+ The whole week while I was on vacation with my family, I only binged once. It helped me to be "babysat" by having other people around me 24/7 and not being able to isolate and binge; it'd be too obvious and too shameful. The bad news is that having to sit with my stress without food stuff as a coping mechanism was really, really, really hard and so basically I had a very high level of stress during the whole "vacation" (ugh, how pathetic is that?).
+ Not sure if this is a positive or not, but I put my health first in deciding to tell my mentor I wouldn't make it in to work today. Our flight got in late last night. I got back to my parents' place past 11pm, still had to do laundry and re-pack to come back to my place, and it's 120 miles from their place to my place. I was too tired to get everything together drive back here last night, and realized that even if I left at 5am this morning, I'd run into traffic getting in here anyway. Initially I told her I could make it in, but I realized today it wasn't realistic, and I decided to just tell her I wouldn't make it after all. I feel irresponsible for not just giving myself a "buffer" day after what would be a long flight and then a drive back to my place but...I don't know, I'm at the point where I was majorly just shutting down.
+ If I can make it through tomorrow's TAing session, which I am dreading really badly right now because I'm not prepared, I will feel a little better. Even if I feel like crap for not doing a good job, I'll have a day or two to breathe and resettle myself.
+ Soon I'll get back to running. The past week on vacation I did not have time to just go on some runs or anything, and I'm sue that just contributed to my stress level. I'm looking forward to being able to get back out there again, and I hope it helps me to feel better, because I just feel like I've been doing so horribly the past two weeks or so.
+ I was really triggered several times during the trip because I saw myself in pictures looking really oveweight (I haven't been here to mention it, but I was hovering around 135 lbs for the past two weeks, which is around 5 lbs more than it'd been), but I was able to let that go; I told myself just to focus on getting my stress under control and focus on my health in general instead of resorting to bingeing or even bping (it's bad enough recently that it's been a serious consideration).
Anyway...doing my best to hang in there. I just have to tell myself to remember to breathe. And look into seeing a therapist again for a while. No one is going to die, even though I keep feeling like I'm going to these days, and it feels like the end of the world all the time. Argh. One day at a time.