Wednesday, February 13, 2013
I was looking for some information in a storage box and came across an old journal. I opened it up, and on the first page, I saw my old measurements-like from when I was 313 pounds...
It's been a while since I've been that weight. To be honest, I don't remember what it physically feels like to weight that much, but I remember the emotions all too well.
Around my hips and butt, I was 60 inches around. I cannot believe that I was so large. The tape measure only goes to 60. If I remember right, when I was 330 pounds, I was 62 inches around. My thighs at the time were 38 inches around.
Just to get a comparison, I adjusted the tape measure to 60 inches and put it around my hips. Huge. I adjusted it to 38 and put it to my thigh. Also huge. No wonder I was miserable. I was so unhealthy, and I was so miserable and sad. I could see the disappointment not only in my words of reflection, but in my penmanship. The writing, scrawled out as if I didn't even want the air drying my ink to witness as I wrote my secret numbers.
Tomorrow is an important date. Yes, it's Valentine's day, and it's a day of love that I will be spending with not only my fiance, but my family too. It also marks something much deeper for me. It was Valentine's day 2009, that I got my wake up call. I cannot believe that four years have already elapsed. At that time, I didn't think I'd get to where I am now. Sure, I knew that if I set a goal, and followed the steps, I'd get there, but it wasn't really tangible to me because I was so overweight. I had BEEN so overweight for so many years already. If I had some kind of hint, or was able to see myself now, and see what I can do with my body and knowing how successful I'd become not only with my weight loss, but with my education and career aspirations, I would have thought it was a lie. I'm so incredibly grateful that it's my reality. Four years ago, I couldn't even run a lap around a high school track. Now, I can run around it 20 times and I consider that 'fun'. Now, instead of asking people 'how', I'm explaining to others 'how' and encouraging others.
Four years ago tomorrow, I decided with my fiance, to celebrate valentine's day by having a romantic dinner out. I remember as we were being led to our table, I caught sight of the wooden chairs with side rests. I began to sweat and get anxious as if I was being led to the gallows. We weren't even to our table yet. I hoped my butt would squeeze into the chair, but in the pit of my heart, I knew that it wouldn't-at least not comfortably. I remember the feeling of anxiety, and how I tried to sit in it. No luck. I had to sit in the front quarter of the chair. I was mortified. I blamed the waitress for putting us there, knowing full well that I was a fat a$$, and how dare she embarrass me by making it evident to everyone else. The restaurant was crowded. There was NO WAY IN HELL that I was going to ask for another chair or cause a scene, or worse, leave (leave hungry? I don't think so! It was already 8:00 as it was). I remember asking for water with lemon instead of soda. She wasn't going to win...I had self control! I'd show her! Then came the free bread....and the dinner order.
"I'll take the Salmon Alfredo"
The one thing I appreciated the most was the talk I had with Adam during and after the incident. He never said a single negative thing to me. He's NEVER discouraged me from eating something, or criticized my weight. I appreciate and love him so much. He's always been supportive of my efforts.
I know now that the reality is it was already evident to everyone else. The only person who seemed to have no idea was me. Other people have eyes. When others see me, they don't use the same filters that family uses. They just see a complete stranger who probably just has no self control, and has had one too many cheeseburgers. Other people see me, and while they See me, they don't see ME. It's interesting to be seen yet remain invisible.
While I was typing this, I actually did begin to cry. The emotions that came with being as overweight as I was will always be seared into my memory. I will always know what it's like to be seen only as a walking disappointment to society. I will never forget about what it feels like to be at a point of absolute self hatred. I think I still felt some of that self hatred, and had been using that as a reason to sabotage my efforts as of recently. retelling that story really helped me. I needed to re live that moment so I could remind myself why I'm truly doing this. It wasn't the fact that I couldn't fit into a chair that set me off. It was the fact that I had hated myself so much. That I had abused and punished my body to that point.
This was seriously a road block. I think another part of it was I worried that I had put so much stake into this weight loss. What if I'm still not happy after I lose the weight? Well, I have other things going on in my life-a future wedding, though we're not sure of the date, a future career, and many other things that I don't even know about! Life is exciting! Life is what you make it! I don't deserve the punishment I've been giving myself. I feel like I'm flapping my wings, but this extra burden has holding me down. All my fears and anxieties that have been weighing me down emotionally have been literally manifested onto my physical being. Well, I'm ready to fly. I will do everything in my power to ensure that I do. When I do reach that point, NOTHING will be able to catch me and hold me down again. That I promise.