Wednesday, February 13, 2013
I hear it, so much. Every day in fact. But yet its one of my biggest struggles. Its never been easy for me. I especially hear it when I screw up. Everyone tells me to be gentle to myself. To forgive myself and move forward. But its hard. I'm EXTREMELY unkind to myself, and I know that I am. I'm better than I used to be, by a little bit. I used to hit myself in the stomach because I hated the fact that it was fat and jiggly. I don't do that anymore, its just verbal now. If I screw up and eat something that I know I shouldn't, or overindulge in something, I belittle myself very cruelly. I call myself a fat failure, etc. I even will joke about how stupid I am if I get confused about something. I really don't like that I do it. I don't wanna feel like a stupid failure when I can't keep up with a workout. Or like a gross blob after I binge. I want to soothe myself and tell myself that it will be okay and that it is just a minor setback. But instead, I chastise. I tell myself that the binge will make me gain all the weight back, and that I suck to much to be able to lose weight. Sure, I can look at myself and think "Well, I've got a nice smile" or "Hey look, my muscles are getting firmer" but then I have rebuttals... "Yea but you're ugly" or "So what, your stomach is still huge". I don't know how to be kind to myself, and I really really don't like it.
I'm reaching out for help from my lovely Spark friends. Does anyone have any advice on how to break the self hatred cycle, and gently ease into a self love cycle? Because this self hatred is sabotaging me! And please, don't tell me to go see a shrink. Been there, done it, really do not wish to do it again. I want genuine advice from genuine people.