Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Well, it feels like it's been a really long time since I've posted anything here, but really it's only been about a month. Not too long, really, but so much has happened that it seems to have been much longer. I have missed it here, but at the same time realized that I was spending way too much time on the site also. So I think the trick now is to practice more moderation in the amount of time I spend here, but I really do need to come back. Thank you so much to everybody who sent me goodies and messages of encouragement while I was away. It really meant a lot to me, and made me realize how thankful I am to have met so many cool people here. I'm sorry if it seems I've been neglecting you, but I'll make the effort now to stay in touch. That being said, I realize that I really can't keep up with everybody's journals as much as I would like to. There are only so many hours in every day. But I shall do my best!
So the past month has been a chaotic whirlwind of general unpleasantness, and there is still more to come before everything gets resolved. I won't go into details, but it's mainly been family related events that have wreaked such havoc in my life. I can't wait until things get back to normal, but the way things are looking it will be a long time before that ever happens, if it ever happens. I'm just so exhausted with all the drama that is going on around me! There have been good things happening too, though, so I suppose in the long run things will balance themselves out. We shall see. In any case, every challenge I have faced recently has led me to learn so much more about myself, some good, some really bad, and I have become somewhat stronger. I am, however, really in need of a vacation from everything, but unfortunately I don't see that happening any time soon.
On the eating and exercise front, things have been mostly manageable. I have really been in maintenance mode for the past month or so. My weight has been fluctuating like crazy, going as low as 140 and as high as 150 lbs, but I'm usually sitting comfortably around the 145 mark. If I start tracking regularly again, I'm hoping I can get down to my 140 lb goal by the end of February, and stay there. I was so happy when I got on the scale and saw that my weight had actually dropped down to 140 at one point, but alas, that good feeling did not last. My main problem is that all the extra stress recently has caused me to binge again on the weekends. And I'm kind of starving myself during the week to make up for it, which I know is a really terribly unhealthy thing. I haven't been exercising as much as I would like either, but I'm at least getting enough fitness activities in that I don't seem to be losing any muscle mass or endurance. And I still have lots of energy, even when I'm tired. So what I'm pleased to say is that even if I'm not as regimented as I could be, I think that I have finally come to the point where I believe I can actually keep the weight off this time. My recent binging has been good in one way: in making me realize that the weight that I gain during a binge is for the most part water weight, because even when I've consumed literally thousands of calories over a couple of days, I haven't gained any real weight, as long as I'm careful during the rest of the week and get at least a few exercise sessions in. I don't want to get into this habit, however, because I know how bad it would be for me in the long run. But, I am hoping that as I start tracking everything again, I can start living healthier again, and also start losing weight again, that will stay off, instead of losing and gaining that water weight over and over again. I am also happy to report that my size 8 jeans are still fitting me nicely, and that a few of them are even start to feel a bit loose, so hooray! No matter what happens, even if I can't get my weight lower than 140 lbs, I have firmly promised myself that I will never ever gain all my weight back again, and I am going to stick to this. I never want to be that girl again, no matter how stressful things may get.