I needed a mental reprieve
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
If you've ever read my page, you know that a big part of my journey is due to my sister. The background is that she was bi-polar for as long as I can remember so most of my time was spent in terror or expecting terror. You never knew if she was going to be nice or mean as a snake. And back then, no one thought children or teenagers suffered from mental diseases. Besides the physical terror, she played mind games - and the worse was her suicide talks. Well, she finally did commit suicide - by eating herself to death - and I'm not making it up - she told me on several occasions that was what she was doing and at the end, she admitted it to my mom. Her body could not take the weight she put on - close to 400# on a 5'4" small bone frame. I got the call on Sunday night in January 4 years ago that she was in the hospital and it wasn't good. I called on Monday morning and the nurse said that all I could do was pray - there wasn't anything else that could be done. You see, she had pulmonary hypertension and a blood infection that they couldn't do anything about because her blood pressure was so low that the dialysis machine could not filter her blood. I got on a plane early Tuesday morning (inauguration day) and flew 5 hours to get to the airport close to home, took an hour to get to the house and pick up mom and another 1.5 hours to get to the hospital she was at.
Needless to say, I was shocked and appalled and deeply saddened by what I saw. She looked like Jabba the Hut wearing a CPAP machine on her face. My bully, my sister was going to die and there was nothing I could do. We were able to say our goodbyes and she knew she was going to die. She had hung on to consciousness until I could get there so she could ask for my forgiveness and apologize for all the mean things she had done to me. She didn't want to die but she had let things go so far that there wasn't another chance. She slipped into a coma and passed away the next day.
For the past 4 years, I have struggled to come to terms with her life, her choices, and how it had affected me. You see, we are exactly 3 years and 1 month apart. Her birthday 10/15/71 - mine 11/15/74. So this past year, I had to take a mental reprieve from everything and focus on my complicated relationship and the fact that I turned 38 and she will forever remain 37. That's a hard thing to do for the baby sister.
But now that mental reprieve is over. I've worked through some issues and acknowledged that some things are an ongoing process and may never be finished. It's time to focus back on me, my health, and my weight loss. As my mom would say, "we are all allowed time on the pity potty but there comes a time when you have to get up, flush and walk away."
So this is me flushing and walking away! I'm going to rejoice in MY life, MY choices, and what makes ME happy. So I'm starting up again where I left off. I've lost over 30# and I plan to keep losing more. Because it is what is RIGHT for me.
I've also realized that all the people in the world can encourage you, but you have to make a choice to encourage yourself AND that is what will get you through the most difficult of times. Don't get me wrong! I love the encouragement that I get from others - but it needs to build upon my own foundation that I've laid down first. So I just put in the lode stone and am going from there.
Thank you for letting me put this out there to anyone who wishes to read this. And I hope that if someone out there sees a little of my sister in them, I want you to know that I loved her fiercely and would have done almost anything to have changed her life around but it wasn't up to me to do that - it was up to her. And no matter the choices or actions in her life, she will always be my big sister - bully & friend (as there were good times as well as the bad) and she will remain loved to my dying day.