Where have you been? Sulking I guess...
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
I am struggling lately. I have been eating pretty well which is good but not where it should be. Story of my life. I know that I’m having some emotional issues and I’ve felt drained and makes me not want to do what I should be doing. Oh and I’m really good at making up excuses to make me feel better about not doing what I should be doing. I’m in this funk that I don’t want to be in. I guess who really wants to be in a funk thought really. I think there is so much change or potential change coming up in my life that I’m just beside myself on what direction to go. I feel myself so conflicted and dealing with so much that my energy is lacking and I just would rather sit on the couch and snuggle my kitty cat (who is not doing the best so that is another dynamic to deal with).
I’m overwhelming myself with all the changes I need to make to be healthier. I know that I overwhelm myself in most capacities of life; that might be my middle name. I have an all or nothing kind of mentality which for being healthy is so not a good thing. I know I need to start out smaller and take steps to get where I want to go, I need to build momentum. I can’t just skip the steps and jump to the top. That doesn’t even make sense. I need to remind myself that one bad meal or one cookie or one small mistake does not undo everything. And on that same note, that one healthy meal isn’t going to make me lose weight. I have to build on those things for them to make an impact. I’ll get there, slowly but surely, I will get there. I just have to stop the mind games and get on it. Trust me, I’m just as sick of the excuses are you are. You either do it or you don’t and I have chosen not to for far too long. Sigh…
There is a lot of change going on in my life. Well potential change. I’m trying to find another job and it’s been discouraging to say the least. I have a lot of voices telling me what I should do and what I shouldn’t do and it’s clouding what I think I want to do (which is another problem, if you’ve never done it before how do you know you’ll like it?). So there is all this pressure and for a while the very act of applying was too daunting and too full of rejection. Before I graduated I applied to 20 places and got one call back. That job interviewed me but in the end decided to go with someone else. It took a while to start applying again because even applying is hard. The places I think I’d like to work I don’t have enough experience. I thought this degree would get me in the door and so far this is proving not to be true. But since I got back from Mexico I’ve been back on the applying for jobs bandwagon so hopefully something turns up soon. I actually got an email one place wants to do a phone interview and I applied for one more last night on a tip from one of my old supervisors at my internship so things are starting to look up a bit.
But with all this up in the air, it makes me feel very out of sorts. I don’t know where the job I get will take me and what that means. If I get a job out of town, I have to move and leave everything behind. Supposedly if I move the bf will come with me and that just brings up a host of issues that I have chosen not to deal with. I don’t necessarily want to stay around Ames but I also don’t necessarily want to leave just yet. My nephew is coming to school here next year and I’d like to be around. I also like being where I am so I can see my other nieces and nephews and leaving the state means I’ll see them even less. I’ll go where I have to for a job but I’m torn to where I actually want to be. I’ve applied everywhere, from Seattle to Arizona to Illinois to Wisconsin and around Iowa. I guess we’ll just see where all this takes me and I know where I’ll end up is where I’m meant to be for now.
I’m feeling hopeful today and that is a nice change of pace. I feel like what is going on in my life is where I’m supposed to be and I’ll get it figured out. I can’t let all this other stuff muck up what I’m trying to do. I’m capable of so many things and I just have to put it in my mind that I’ll do them. I’m setting small goals for myself so I can obtain those and build momentum. I’m tired of standing still. I’m tired of falling back on my excuses. I’m tired of starting over. I’m tired of hiding from my issues and hoping they go away. Guess what? They don’t. They just get worse and it’s more annoying.
Thanks for listening to my rant. You guys are the best! Here are some pics from Elin and Jett's 2nd birthday party. On a side note, twins are exhausting. I went and hung out with them on Saturday because I was in town and man those kids wore me out! But I loved every minute of it. Especially when I came to the door and they were smiling and yelling 'Aunt Buffy!' So cute!
This is from a different day but here is Hope since I haven't posted a picture of her in a while