Wednesday, February 13, 2013
I am struggling lately. I have been eating pretty well which is good but not where it should be. Story of my life. I know that Iím having some emotional issues and Iíve felt drained and makes me not want to do what I should be doing. Oh and Iím really good at making up excuses to make me feel better about not doing what I should be doing. Iím in this funk that I donít want to be in. I guess who really wants to be in a funk thought really. I think there is so much change or potential change coming up in my life that Iím just beside myself on what direction to go. I feel myself so conflicted and dealing with so much that my energy is lacking and I just would rather sit on the couch and snuggle my kitty cat (who is not doing the best so that is another dynamic to deal with).
Iím overwhelming myself with all the changes I need to make to be healthier. I know that I overwhelm myself in most capacities of life; that might be my middle name. I have an all or nothing kind of mentality which for being healthy is so not a good thing. I know I need to start out smaller and take steps to get where I want to go, I need to build momentum. I canít just skip the steps and jump to the top. That doesnít even make sense. I need to remind myself that one bad meal or one cookie or one small mistake does not undo everything. And on that same note, that one healthy meal isnít going to make me lose weight. I have to build on those things for them to make an impact. Iíll get there, slowly but surely, I will get there. I just have to stop the mind games and get on it. Trust me, Iím just as sick of the excuses are you are. You either do it or you donít and I have chosen not to for far too long. SighÖ
There is a lot of change going on in my life. Well potential change. Iím trying to find another job and itís been discouraging to say the least. I have a lot of voices telling me what I should do and what I shouldnít do and itís clouding what I think I want to do (which is another problem, if youíve never done it before how do you know youíll like it?). So there is all this pressure and for a while the very act of applying was too daunting and too full of rejection. Before I graduated I applied to 20 places and got one call back. That job interviewed me but in the end decided to go with someone else. It took a while to start applying again because even applying is hard. The places I think Iíd like to work I donít have enough experience. I thought this degree would get me in the door and so far this is proving not to be true. But since I got back from Mexico Iíve been back on the applying for jobs bandwagon so hopefully something turns up soon. I actually got an email one place wants to do a phone interview and I applied for one more last night on a tip from one of my old supervisors at my internship so things are starting to look up a bit.
But with all this up in the air, it makes me feel very out of sorts. I donít know where the job I get will take me and what that means. If I get a job out of town, I have to move and leave everything behind. Supposedly if I move the bf will come with me and that just brings up a host of issues that I have chosen not to deal with. I donít necessarily want to stay around Ames but I also donít necessarily want to leave just yet. My nephew is coming to school here next year and Iíd like to be around. I also like being where I am so I can see my other nieces and nephews and leaving the state means Iíll see them even less. Iíll go where I have to for a job but Iím torn to where I actually want to be. Iíve applied everywhere, from Seattle to Arizona to Illinois to Wisconsin and around Iowa. I guess weíll just see where all this takes me and I know where Iíll end up is where Iím meant to be for now.
Iím feeling hopeful today and that is a nice change of pace. I feel like what is going on in my life is where Iím supposed to be and Iíll get it figured out. I canít let all this other stuff muck up what Iím trying to do. Iím capable of so many things and I just have to put it in my mind that Iíll do them. Iím setting small goals for myself so I can obtain those and build momentum. Iím tired of standing still. Iím tired of falling back on my excuses. Iím tired of starting over. Iím tired of hiding from my issues and hoping they go away. Guess what? They donít. They just get worse and itís more annoying.
Thanks for listening to my rant. You guys are the best! Here are some pics from Elin and Jett's 2nd birthday party. On a side note, twins are exhausting. I went and hung out with them on Saturday because I was in town and man those kids wore me out! But I loved every minute of it. Especially when I came to the door and they were smiling and yelling 'Aunt Buffy!' So cute!
This is from a different day but here is Hope since I haven't posted a picture of her in a while