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Introspective - LONG

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

My status this am is introspective. I haven’t decided if this is a good or a bad thing as of yet. Just kind of is.

See, it has been a year since I started trying to get control over my weight and physical health. One year ago tomorrow I was 197lbs. I was morbidly obese, to the point a cousin I don’t see often asked if I was pregnant. I wore an XL to 2XL. I have no idea what my jean size was but I couldn’t zip 12’s. I had constant pain in my bad hip and my knees. I could not get up off the ground without help. I drove everywhere. My diet consisted of pasta, pizza, and assorted fried foods. Both of my dogs had health issues – lick granulomas and weight.

Today, I’m at the very top end of “healthy” for BMI. I’m wearing a S in most things (M if it is cut tight) and can zip a size 6 jean comfortably. My knees feel fine and my bad hip only hurts when it is really cold. I sit on the floor most days with my girls and can get up with no problem. I walk all over town. I eat raw fruits and veggies daily, although I’m still a sucker for pizza and fried veggies. Both of my girls have lost weight and Gypsy’s lick granulomas are controlled.

I know this is an AMAZING change for a mere 12 months. I should be doing the Snoopy dance and running with my new habits. But I’m not – so why? I guess part of it was I expected the healthy habits to be as easy as the unhealthy. Aaaa – NOT! I also feel “a drift”. I had a goal, a purpose, a destination and I drove hard. Now, I have my life around me and the unhealthy habits of my friends and family calling me back with no real target to aim at. Guess that’s why I’ was obsessing about the scale. It was something to focus on – good, bad, or indifferent.

However, I’ve given up a lot too. I’ve given up nightly movies with hubby. I’ve given up going to dinner with dad. I’ve given up the bar with friends. Everything that used to be part of my “social” and/or “family” life falls into the unhealthy category. Outside of you dear Sparkers, I don’t really have people I talk to any more. Hubby and dad, yeah, but we don’t have much to do together anymore. However, I don’t want to go back to being that other person. Maybe I was more “fun”, but I didn’t feel good. Yes, I still get sick at the drop of a hat but I recover faster than I used to.

My status is introspective because I am torn. I’ve gotten a glimpse of who I CAN be – Peacock Girl. She’s pretty damn cool and tough and has very few limits. She struts and plays and has confidence. However, Porky Yorkie had friends and a social life. She always had people with her and offers of things to do. She never sat home on a Saturday night.

Do I really have to choose? It really doesn’t seem fair, but then again there are no cows and pigs so it is no fair.

I’m going to stick with my challenge from yesterday. I did almost all of it. No curls or crunches yesterday but I will do them today. I'll come up with some sort of modification to this for tomorrow.

2 sets (20 reps) wall push-ups
2 sets (15 reps) bicep curls
105 jumping jacks
105 squats
2 sets (20 reps) shoulder shrugs
2 sets (15 reps) triceps dips
30 crunches
2 sets (15 reps) lateral shoulder raises
2 sets (20 reps) calf raises
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    1809 days ago
    You know, I'm thinking you can still go out, maybe not as often, and not turn into Porky Yorky! A glass of merlot or 2 won't kill your healthy living. Have only 1 piece of fried cauliflower. I think your dad knows you are trying to live better, so remind him at dinners that you must make healthy choices no matter what he eats. I know saying it is easier than doing it, but give it a try! And, when old friends tempt you and ask what is up, tell them your mood, your pride, the sun, the moon, but not your weight. You are doing this b/c you feel so much better! Hey, and you did it. I've been on this journey 5 years and still never made goal! Alas!
    1828 days ago
    I love eating out, but I've had to learn to do it differently. I haven't quite made it to eating salads all the time, but just take something like dessert. I used to always get cheesecake. And sometimes I still do, but only have a bit of it and box the rest. I look for light stuff on menus. When I have pizza, I just have way less than I used to.

    Of course, I'm pretty tall. Healthy BMI for me is size 12 jeans, but 6 sizes less is six sizes less, right? So I can probably get away with eating a bit more than you. Someday I'm going to wean this kid and then I'll need to eat 300-400 less.
    1831 days ago
  • OPTIMIST1948
    Your questions make sense and there are pleny of answers already posted. You have my warmest wags...
    1832 days ago
    Its hard to stick to the plan once you reach a destintion. Maybe you could find somebody to walk with at one of your 5k's. You can do this.
    1833 days ago
    Overall I see it in the "One year later" as something to CELEBRATE! ............. I see so many changes ............... Your weight is way down, most all pain is gone .............. I would leap for joy .................. and as some others have said .............. Don't totally forsake going out w/ Dad or some friends ............... You know now how to stay on track, (YOu can even track BEFORE going out so you know your parameters ................. (I do this ............... and is just like going shopping to a store ............... You know how much to spend and stay within the budget. I will be writing my "One year anniversary w/ Sparks in the next day or so .................... and I am looking at all the huge changes that were made ...................... and celebrating ..................... The rest will come ............... we are a work in progress making milestones along a joyous journey ....................... It doesn't have to all happen at once ........................ (and this encourages others too) .................... so keep on truckin ...................... emoticon It's all good!!
    1834 days ago
    night out with girlfriends now and then is not bad, dinner with dad go for it, just choose healthier options ..... you CAN do all those "other" things... in moderation... go for it!
    1834 days ago
    Why have you given up movie nights with your hubby and why have you given up going to dinner with your dad? I understand that your dad likes to eat unhealthy foods but surely you can find a place to eat where you can both have what you want. Your hubby isn't exactly a couch potato from what I've gathered from your blogs. Surely there are things the two of you can do together that is active. Go for bicycle rides, hiking, skiing, snow shoeing, skating (both kinds). I know your hubby teaches martial arts. Why can't you do martial arts with him? You can have a movie night at home with healthy snacks. You can go to the movies without eating popcorn. Bring a baggie of carrot sticks, celery sticks with you in your purse or bring a protein bar. You can still go out to the bars occasionally as long as you are conscious of what you are drinking and eating. See if your friends are willing to compromise. Ask them if you'll go out to the bars with them say once a month or a couple of times a month then see if they'll go for a walk, hike, bicycle ride, swimming, go to a museum, botanical gardens, etc. with you. There are plenty of people here on SP and there must be some people that live in the same city as you that would be willing to do fun and active things. Sometimes we just have to let go of our old friends and find new ones. I know that it's not easy to let go but if they aren't willing to compromise with you then it's time to find new friends. You've come too far to let yourself fall back into those unhealthy habits! You've accomplished more in 12 months than many of us have. Some of us may never accomplish as much as you have but that isn't going to stop us from trying. You have to do what is best for Kitty! Finding balance in everything isn't easy but I know you can do it!

    emoticon emoticon
    1834 days ago
  • LANA2520
    thank you for writeing this i was think about this to it been going through my mind i was 199 after i had my girl in 8/20/11 and it was hard for me to lose the weight then on 8/30/12 i was 160 and i did not like my self at all i was feeling like crap i did not even want to look at my going through it now to i am 141 when i start spark i was 140 then i got down to 138 last week i got on the scale and i was 144.9 this week i got on it and im 141 hopeing to go down i really want to be done with my journey it hard and it killing me alot i feel like crap i want to stop thinking like that it giveing me pain.we have to work on this im going to stay away from every thing i know that is going to hurt me.but as for are doing a good job keep it up.u made all of us bring out what we have to say to keep it up with the blogs because not only you tell us how you feel we tell you how we feel to because we all go throught the same thing. emoticon
    1834 days ago
    I have heard this before from other successful sparkers. It is the psychology of losing weight, especially quickly. I wonder if there is a way to have your cake and eat it too (metaphorically) in this healthy lifestyle path? It would be sad to loose any of the hard earned health you have gained this year. But in a way, it is sad to have no social life. I wonder if it is just a matter of finding new friends that are also health conscious? I don't know, I don't have any friends beyond hubs, family and my boss and co-worker, so I'm no expert on having a healthy social life. I long for it, but it eludes me somehow. I hope for only the very best for you. And I am a firm believer that introspection is really good for us, all of us. Who knows what the new year will hold for you, maybe new healthy hobbies that bring you into a deeper sense of community and a healthy social outlet. Dream it and you will achieve it!!
    1834 days ago
    You have done a great job and I know you can continue on your journey!
    1835 days ago
    You have re-created yourself. Now you just need to find your new "groove" with the new you. emoticon
    1835 days ago
    I understand!!! (You've read my blogs!) What I've done is "tweak" those social times. I'm not a huge drinker, but I LOVE margaritas. If I go out, I plan for those extra calories and only have one regular size margarita. Or I will drink one a beer, with lime, or a "clear beer." After that I switch to water. For the movie nights, it's low fat or plain microwave popcorn. Going out to eat, I research the menu first, yeah not so fun, so that I go and make educational choices.

    I think it's much harder, both mentally and physically, to maintain. I'm the same way if the scale starts going up. Oh yeah, I had a little freak moment this morning after eating out last night!!

    The good thing, is now I CAN manage! I HAVE learned coping skills to handle such situations. emoticon and support each other so WE both maintain and are SUCCESSFUL!

    Hang in there emoticon !
    1835 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/14/2013 12:01:24 AM
    Dear emoticon ,

    I feel it may not be an easy time for you but may be do you want to find activities that you can do with family and friends that doesn't necessarily revolve around food? Also, remember MODERATION, you need her, go out, have fun, but keep her with you. Living a healthy lifestyle should not mean not having a social life. You are a great inspiration and you need to keep on going. emoticon
    1835 days ago
    I hear ya:) It is so easy losing weight. One little indulgence and the scale shoots up for me too. It takes a few days but it will go back down. Yeah, I do get burned out on my workouts, eating the same things over and over and over. I don't drink but know that if I were to go to a bar with friends I would be the DD so I am happy with that roll. Everyone can unwind and not worry about driving. I really, really try not to dwell on the scale and go by how my clothes fit...nice and lose:) I am at the point where I would like to lose less than 10-about 7 pounds. It has been really rough though...losing three gaining three, losing three, gaining three....I will get there when I get there i have decided...if I am even supposed to be there. Maybe I am supposed to be at this weight, which would be fine too:) I am in the middle of the healthy range and work out like it is my job. Keep pushing and enjoy your healthy body and your healthy pups:)
    1835 days ago
  • JUSTME29
    I know exactly what you mean about having to make choices and sacrifices. I'm actually at the same crossroads. I went from "peacock" girl back to "porkie yorkie" because it was easier. Now of course I regret taking the easy route but the other one is hard and lonely. I think in the end we all have to do whatever it is we can live with. I will never again see the inside of a size 5, and that's ok. I do however want to lose enough that I can comfortable tie my shoes. For that I will have to sacrifice much and it is hard.

    I know that we can both find a way to make the hard road less lonely.
    1835 days ago
    I'll do the jumping jacks with you. I have heard it over and over... maintenance is harder than losing weight, and I believe it. While we are focused on losing weight we have a definite goal ahead of us, but once I get to maintenance... what then? I am focusing on improving my fitness and reducing my body fat %. I figure the weight will kind of take care of itself. As for a social life? I have a friend over and cook healthy food that looks and tastes good. But I have to admit that the highlight of my week socially is going to my neighbor's for American Idol. I guess I am not a party animal.
    1835 days ago
    You have come a long ways, you are very inspiring!

    1835 days ago
    First of all, healthy habits are NOT as easy to accomplish as he unhealthy ones.
    I know all these sites say it is, but I will never believe it. Also, when you reach your goal, the maintenace portion is also NOT easy.
    Kitty, you have done a fantastic job, don't sell yoursef short. Remember, don't put youself down, there are enough other people to do that for you.
    Also, why do you have to give the movies with hubby, or the dinner with Dad ?
    Just make smarter food choices, and plan ahead for those nights.
    Probably most of us don't have anyone to talk to about our challenges, except our Sparkfriends. If you don't go through it, you don't know, you just think you do !!
    Don't give up on yourself !! You never give up on us.
    AND, do reward yourself from time-to-time. There are ways besides food.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1835 days ago
    I just want you to know that it's a good thing you wrote this. So many of these very thoughts have teetered in and out of my head. When I started this journey I was 30 pounds heavier. I'm still NO where near my goal and it feels like I especially know what you mean by "I thought it would get as easier as unhealthy"

    Thank you for writing this. So many times this week I've felt pretty alone except for Sparkies so thank you. Together we will figure these things out.
    1835 days ago
    That is tricky, and I totally get it. I'm just in the trying to get there phase, but the others have some great ideas. I think maybe having a water or diet soda would be a great way to still be social with friends. And, I love the idea of having freggies while watching movies with your hubby. It would be hard not to be social :( even harder if you don't have a lot of support for everything you have accomplished. Hang in there!
    1835 days ago
  • DARLY55
    I understand. I have heard this before.
    You miss the "old you", but you are still you!
    You can have it all, you do not need to choose between health and friends. You had to make time for exercise, now you can make time for socializing as well. It's all about having balance in your life.
    And as far as eating or drinking too many calories, that is all on you. You have choices wherever you go, you can have as many calories or as few as you want. You now know what works, you've had amazing results. You can do this!
    You are wonderful, you will find your peace.
    1835 days ago
    I can see how this is hard for you. I often have to chose between spending time with my family or going to the gym. I have found activities that are healthy that we do together though.

    Keep pushing. It will come together!

    1835 days ago
    You have a lot of good ideas on this post and the only thing I can add is "follow your heart." Ask your guy if he would like to go on your next walk or go somewhere gorgeous where you can take pictures along the way.

    You've accomplished more in 12-months than a lot of folks on here, including myself. Hold that head up high my friend. You're doing very well. Now to find that balance....


    1835 days ago
    Kitty, you are facing a very real problem because in our society so much of our socialization is around food, food, food. You know it and I know it.

    You have certainly had numerous responses here for your consideration. I can only reiterate the thoughts about finding balance. In order to maintain in the long run we have to find a balance which we can live for the long term. It sounds like you a sifting through thoughts and emotions to find where the balance is for you.

    Over the years I have been very unsuccessful at maintainence but this time around I have learned so much more about what I believe I need to know to be more successful in maintainence so I am far from an expert on this topic. I do know though that for myself I determined to allow myself some of the treats and not starving myself because I can't keep that up for a lifetime. You have some very great suggestions below so I am not going to repeat them but know that your will take all these reflections into account as you move forward.

    Kitty, you have done so well this past year. emoticon Keep up the battle and you'll come out victorious on the other end. You are deserving of good friends and good times.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1835 days ago
    oh honey. *HUGS* Well, I'm always up for getting together and going for a walk, but I'm slow lately! What about some of the active stuff hubby is into? I know he does some martial arts; can you guys do that together? Chris & I still do movie night together, and as far as pizza goes - we've had a blast making our own pizzas. Maybe that's something you guys could try? it's really easy and fun. Try finding active stuff that he likes too. For Chris, that means biking; tho he blows me out of the water, he's WAY fast compared to pokey old me :) Hope this helps!
    1835 days ago
  • APED7969
    I think you can do both, it just isn't easy! You can still go out and make healthier choices. This is hard but possible. I've found that finding new social outlets really helps. I love going to fitness classes and socialising there. Running groups can be really good social outlets too. I would love to join mine if 2 out of 3 times they meet weren't when I was working. Maybe meeting some more like-minded healthy people would make it easier to enjoy social situations. I'm sure you'll find your balance!
    1835 days ago
    emoticon Kitty, I totally get where you're coming from!

    I've been wondering much of the same myself lately. This is what went wrong for me the first time. Like you, I started at 197 lbs. When I found SP five years ago, I eventually got to 138 lbs. I was thrilled...and I stopped doing what I needed to do...and I gained much of it back. That's how I learned that the work doesn't stop when you reach your goal weight--what a wake up call.

    I sometimes get frustrated that I'm missing everything else because I spend all my time at work, working out or this all there is? Then why exercise? And my answer, almost always, is remembering how lousy I felt when I weighed 197 lbs and knowing I never would have been able to run a 5K or consider running a half marathon. And really, nothing feels as good as putting on a size 6 and rocking it.

    You've made leaps and bounds, and you're doing great! I agree with the other posts that it's okay to go out, and reach for healthy choices. Getting fit is a lifestyle choice, and it's a life long effort. And you have to enjoy the journey and appreciate your small victories along the way. It's the only thing that's going to get you through the tough times.

    You are, and will always be, the Peacock Girl!!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1835 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/13/2013 2:52:41 PM
  • CIPHER1971
    I am sure you will find your balance
    1835 days ago
    I am so happy for you... what an accomplishment! I agree with everything ANATASHIKI said is right on the money! Hang in there. Introspection, I find, is the first step to change. You are an inspiration! emoticon emoticon
    1836 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/13/2013 2:05:01 PM
    It's funny because they say when someone quits smoking they need to acquire new habits to replace all of those bad ones. Instead of running to light up after eating you do "x" or.. you get the picture. It's the same thing for us. We can lose the weight. We can workout. We can eat right. But we need to add different things to our lives so we don't feel like we are doing without.

    Instead of nightly movie nights with hubby, maybe do some thing that incorporates what you both like. Instead of unhealthy dinners with dad, why not try a healthy restaurant? Have you looked into joining a running club? I think it would be a great way of meeting people that share your interests. Get out of your normal and make some new "comfort zones."

    And just because you didn't get that "AUGH - lights shining down from above" warm fuzzy feeling of accomplishment for making it as far as you have this past year should not take anything from all the hard work that you have done. Celebrate today. Appreciate every last pound you lost. Appreciate every drop of sweat. You have earned those.

    And even if you dont - I applaud you!
    1836 days ago
    You don't have to choose. Go to the bar once a month with friends to catch up. Go to dinner with dad. You can find something to eat that you will enjoy and Dad will be greatful of the company. Watch those movies with your husband. Maybe not every night but once a week. You can be healthy and have fun. It is all about setting limits and sticking to them. There has to be some middle ground. I would be completely miserable if I never did what I loved. So get out there and do something you love.... With the ones you love...
    1836 days ago
  • ANDY_54
    It saddens me that you aren't going out and doing the social stuff--I kind of think the same way. BUT, there has to be a way or a balance of these things. Especially the movie might with hubs. I remember when mine tunred and said we don't do anything together anymore--it was a wake up call for me. And made me more determined to reach the middle ground where both needs are met. I can really sense your frustration here and totally feel for you--good luck in finding the way--but I know you can do it!
    1836 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/13/2013 11:52:36 AM
    I think you have to find that balance or happy medium. Your new "healthy" lifestyle shouldn't mean giving up all socialization - to be sustainable it has to be realistic, and that's not realistic! I agree with other people who commented, try to work on finding either alternate social outlets or making sure you have healthy eating and drinking choices. If it means finding new friends, then so be it - it's hard but not impossible (says the person who just about has no friends and no social life, so easy for me to say LOL).

    1836 days ago
    yes , why can't you go out? maybe find another place with healthier choices. and you can watch movies without eating or eating baby carrots , celery sticks , no butter popcorn or whatever. I go out with my friends in bars. everybody knows I want to lose weight and no one protests when I order water with lemon, not even diet soda sometimes.and focus on those healthy habits and keep them. you know what they say , maintaining is the hardest thing emoticon
    1836 days ago
    Have to agree to a point w/CASEY that recovery -- doesn't matter what the addiction, and for me bad food was an addiction! -- requires changes. Lots and lots of changes. But here's the deal. Ok, I've been in maintenance mode for 3 yrs. now. Is it always easy?? Definitely not. One question I had to ask myself over and over again -- does my socialization HAVE to revolve around food and/or drink? No it doesn't. BUT should I feel the need for something to drink, I try to make it healthy. Doesn't matter what I drank in the past --- this is NOW. I definitely do not skip the opportunity to socialize. I make my plans to eat/drink healthy ahead of time. Am I perfect all the time? NOPERS. Not by a long shot. I am human! BUT I genuinely do try to choose the healthiest things most of the time.

    Socializing for me doesn't revolve around the food or drink. It is all about who I am spending time with -- whether it be friends, my family or DH.

    Oh, we used to have the popcorn habit while watching a movie, but that just doesn't work for me. HE still loves it and that's alright. so, I occupy my mind with lifting my light weights for awhile while watching the movie, and whatever else. But I don't avoid spending that together time.

    I feel for you. Maintenance leaves MANY feeling a bit adrift. But it's all about having that plan, just like @ the beginning of the journey. Having those goals.

    Takes some planning . . . and it always will! That's part of life. . . . at least that's what I've experienced!

    HUGS and hang in there my dear.
    1836 days ago
    Why have you stopped going out? You can always have healthy meals and drinks. When I go to bars I drink a glass of white wine and if I want something more, I order soda. In the movies you can get something to drink instead of eating. As for watching movies at home you can always make your own pop corn and you'll know the calories in that:

    This pop corn recipe is simply amazing! You'll love it and it's so much fun!!!
    1836 days ago
    In a life of recovery they say "Change people, places, and things". There are thousands of people here on this site and plenty of things to do. Find new places by finding out which SP are in your area. Start a club, a team! Arrange get togethers and keep you social life happy and healthy! I know you can do it! emoticon
    1836 days ago
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