Wednesday, February 13, 2013
I have been seeing the same half a pound every week - just when I say goodbye, don't come back! there it is next week - returning to mock me.
I have been up & down .5 pounds since I started this and it's driving me nuts. I see exactly where I could be doing better yet I choose not to - It's not subconsioius, I'm not halfway through a bag of chips and wonder what happened, there is no one holding a gun to my head demanding that I eat ice cream, threatening my family if I don't polish off the cookies. I make a decision to eat crap/not go to the gym etc. These are all choices in my life. I am the only one who makes these decision BUT I am not the only one my decisions affect.
That's the sticking point isn't it? Knowing that we are the ones who decide and realizing that what we decide affects others in our life.
I'm sure my family is not happy to see me this way - my mom is disappointed because she's always been fit & healthy - could eat whatever she wanted and not gain a pound and just doesn't understand why she had to have a fat daughter. My dad is just sad, sad that he can't help me or fix me like he used to do to my broken toys. He blames himself for my weight issues since it got worse when my parents split up. I was always a chubby kid but it ballooned when he left.
Do I like seeing my parents hurting? No of course not, but at the same time it doesn't seem to be enough to stop me from hurting myself.
The goals I set for myself on Monday I've managed to ruin just 2 days later. No breakfast at home - didn't cook dinner - which meant no lunches to bring to work. I'm pretty confident I can salvage the rest of the week but it's not going to be easy.
I know what needs to be done - It's just a matter of telling myself that it's non optional - I don't get a choice in the matter regarding my health.
My goals are now to surprise my boyfriend when he comes to visit in July - I want to make his jaw drop. My goal is to have my doctor tell me I'm doing a good job when I go in for my physical in a couple months. My goal is to be happy.
No one can force me to live a healthier life - except for me. Everyday I get the chance to hit the reset button in the morning - everyday I strive to be the best version of me I can be - everyday I get to leave the mistakes of yesterday where they belong - in yesterday. I don't carry over my failures - they don't get to affect my future. I can't change what has happened, but I can damn well make sure it doesn't happen again.