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    STEPHANIE302013   15,980
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the same half a pound

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

I have been seeing the same half a pound every week - just when I say goodbye, don't come back! there it is next week - returning to mock me.

I have been up & down .5 pounds since I started this and it's driving me nuts. I see exactly where I could be doing better yet I choose not to - It's not subconsioius, I'm not halfway through a bag of chips and wonder what happened, there is no one holding a gun to my head demanding that I eat ice cream, threatening my family if I don't polish off the cookies. I make a decision to eat crap/not go to the gym etc. These are all choices in my life. I am the only one who makes these decision BUT I am not the only one my decisions affect.

That's the sticking point isn't it? Knowing that we are the ones who decide and realizing that what we decide affects others in our life.

I'm sure my family is not happy to see me this way - my mom is disappointed because she's always been fit & healthy - could eat whatever she wanted and not gain a pound and just doesn't understand why she had to have a fat daughter. My dad is just sad, sad that he can't help me or fix me like he used to do to my broken toys. He blames himself for my weight issues since it got worse when my parents split up. I was always a chubby kid but it ballooned when he left.

Do I like seeing my parents hurting? No of course not, but at the same time it doesn't seem to be enough to stop me from hurting myself.

The goals I set for myself on Monday I've managed to ruin just 2 days later. No breakfast at home - didn't cook dinner - which meant no lunches to bring to work. I'm pretty confident I can salvage the rest of the week but it's not going to be easy.

I know what needs to be done - It's just a matter of telling myself that it's non optional - I don't get a choice in the matter regarding my health.

My goals are now to surprise my boyfriend when he comes to visit in July - I want to make his jaw drop. My goal is to have my doctor tell me I'm doing a good job when I go in for my physical in a couple months. My goal is to be happy.

No one can force me to live a healthier life - except for me. Everyday I get the chance to hit the reset button in the morning - everyday I strive to be the best version of me I can be - everyday I get to leave the mistakes of yesterday where they belong - in yesterday. I don't carry over my failures - they don't get to affect my future. I can't change what has happened, but I can damn well make sure it doesn't happen again.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DCAPDEVI 2/15/2013 1:08AM

    One day at a time... As you said, each day is a brand new chance. Your determination is inspiring!

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NCHOPEFUL 2/14/2013 4:21PM

    You're so right! It is all about choices. Only we are responsible for what we put in our mouths. So why is it sooooo difficult to make the "right" choice??! It's just something we need to keep working at- baby steps, right? :~) WE CAN DO IT!

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EDWARDS1411 2/14/2013 11:54AM

    I luv your last paragraph - you said it so well!!!
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CHARITY1973 2/13/2013 8:07PM

    I'll just weigh in with my unrequested opinion ;-)

Like Midnighter said, you are making your mistakes very personal. I so understand that. I use to think it was something inside me causing all this frustration, something wrong with me, my childhood, my physiology, my environment. And in small ways these may contribute but as you say it is mostly choices you make. I have this quote on my wall to remind me that when I fail at something it is NOT all about me.

"Often in life, our aspirations outpace our abilities. When this is the case, the issue is not you or your beliefs, but your level of skill. So, by developing your skills, you will eventually be able to accomplish your goals. When your aspirations outpace your abilities,...,there will be moments when you will fail. There will be moments when you look like a blithering idiot. If you made the subject matter 'you' rather than your current ability, you would not be as honest as you need to be when you are bad at something. What is the reason you look so bad? Is it some deep-seated negative belief? Or is it the simple truth that your aspirations are larger than your current ability, and you need to learn how to become competent?" Robert Fritz

I treat my wellness and health as any external goal I have (like study or saving money) and try to not make it personal. My body needs xyz to become what I want it to become. Kinda like feeding and walking the dog. Detached and a bit scientific. It works for me. I don't get sidetracked like I use to by asking myself questions about what is wrong with me because there is nothing wrong with me, fat or skinny. I just desire my body and mind to be fitter and healthier.

I hope that helps. And I hope you kiss that 1/2 pound goodbye for good soon!

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MIDNIGHTER1 2/13/2013 6:22PM

    First ,my friend,you are putting too much pressure on yourself. It is not about your families,BF or anyone elses disappointment in you. I think it has affected you more that you are disappointing yourself. You are doing too much at one time,instead of gradually.
The meal planning. I agree with CC3833 . Make meals one day for 2 or 3 days. It may be boring eating the same things at one of your meals,but at least you know the calorie and nutrient count and it is done.
Okay,you make a plan and it does not work,ever erase a problem after you had the wrong answer.I have,start anew. Til you have the answer you want.
Don't take this personal,but I think and this is only an educated guess coming from a complete idiot( Me) You get dejected when you hit a snag,get too frustrated,depressed about the situation,think about the afore- mentioned people you feel you are disappointing and maybe sabatoge yourself,whether it be eating or not doing the things you need to.
I can't tell you to change your mindset. I can't make you. But if you take to this process with enthusiasm and a little more determination,you will do great things for yourself.
And let me say this,"Words without action are just words"
I admire your mom's metabolism,but I would admire you more because you have a hard task and accomplishing it,well who can't admire that. I love the last paragraph of your blog. Now get it done.


Comment edited on: 2/13/2013 6:23:47 PM

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CAMENDEZ13 2/13/2013 2:21PM

    You've got this and you are so very worth it! Take advantage of the healthy body you have and get it moving. Be kind to yourself! Let's make every day as healthy as we can make it! Success breeds success! Also, remember you are not going to be perfect...so be gracious when you slip. Also a list of why you want to reach your goal might be helpful...then when you don't want to cook or want to skip a workout..read it. I tjink I will take my own advice and get my list written to! Go get 'em!

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JENVAMPVEGAS 2/13/2013 12:18PM

    My mom was always skinny, too, but she ate like a rabbit to maintain that, yet fed me like a pig, so I don't think she is surprised I am big. But, it is frustrating when my family sees me and compares me to my mom, "You certainly didn't get your mom's figure." Ugh. So I feel you. Keep on trying. Just remember that as long as you are making better choices, you are improving. You can do this! We can do this! Let's get "jaw-dropping"!
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BEMILLER30 2/13/2013 11:13AM

    I am definitely not one to give advice on this, just because I have my own struggles. You definitely have the right attitude, and you know what you need to do. It's so much easier said than done, but I can see that you really want this.
I can relate to the parents thing. My Mom has always been little, and my sister is little. I'm the only one that's overweight. When I lost a lot of weight before, they subtly let on that it bothered them that I was so overweight. They don't say anything since I gained it back, but now I know how they really feel about it. Of course it makes me uncomfortable sometimes to be around them. I love them of course, and I can see they see the pain I go through with my weight.
I love a fresh new day, a fresh new week, and a fresh new month. You are right, everyday it's like we get a do over. :)

Hang in there and don't let anything get in your way!

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CC3833 2/13/2013 11:10AM

    Seems like you understand where you are going wrong. I think you need to find a reason why you want to do this. I don't mean for you parents or your bf... why do you want to do it?

Regarding the food and exercise. You just started this journey. Maybe making sure every meal is home made is just a bit too much to ask of yourself. Maybe you could choose to make half your plate veggies and eat those first, so when it comes time for the rest of the meal you won't have as much room? Maybe aim to slow down your eating time? Make sure it's about 20 minutes? You could try to start a bit smaller. Exercise is brutal. It can be really hard to get in, especially if you have to go to the gym and you want to work out for an hour. You could try going to the gym once a week at first and then the rest of the days get in 10 minutes of exercise at home?

I hope this helps. I wish you luck. One step and one day at a time you will get there!

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EDENZMOM 2/13/2013 10:05AM

    Keep it up, you'll be great! you definitely have the right attitude

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