Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Yesterday was my third day of staying away from sweets, junk, snacks for no reason. By afternoon I thought I was going to have a tantrum worthy of a 2-yr old.
We left for swimming lessons, thank goodness, a distraction. Once we came home I was still mulling it over, but decided since dinner was already done and there wasn't much left to do, I'd just go to bed and read a book.
The youngster snuggled in beside me and we read stories, and went to bed early.
Probably the best thing I could have done. I feel better this morning.
Monday night I was cleaning up my bedroom and reorganizing my bookshelves. I came across a journal I started keeping in early 2010; 3 years ago! I only made about 5 entries, but every one of them was multiple pages.
I sat down and read through it last night.
What I discovered is that how I felt then, is still how I feel today. I wrote alot about why I do what I do, why I think the way I think.
Right now in my life I am lucky to have 30 seconds to finish a thought, let alone compose pages worth. (at this moment my oldest is showering, the youngest asleep, the hubby is not home, or else I would not be blogging!)
I found reading through this journal to be an eye-opening reminder of everything I've learned. Not just about food, but about myself. About how I feel when I exercise, when I eat right, when my head is in a good space.
One thing I recently realized is that even shrinks (psychologists, counselors) go talk to somebody else. About their patients, themselves..... how could they not?
If I had to listen to what I can only imagine comes out of peoples mouths in a therapists office, I would jump off a bridge. OH! but wait! I do, every single day! As a wife & mother, I am a full-time, instant access, 24/7 shrink. I am expected to listen, solve, analyze, direct and provide feedback anytime, anywhere.
But who returns the favor? Who do "I" go to? N-O-B-O-D-Y. My husband is the type that flat doesn't want to hear it. Ever. He is not mean about it, he's just that way. What he expects (and has flat out said to me) is that "I wanted you to quit your job so you wouldn't have any stress, so what are you stressing about?".
Not have any stress. Are you serious? What turnip truck did you just fall off? What he REALLY wants is a garbage can - aka me - that he can dump all his stress into, every day, no repercussions, and in return I should just smile, take it, go along with it, make the appropriate 'oh you poor dear' noises................. Hmmmm. We have had a couple discussions about this, and he has acknowledged (but it hasn't changed anything) that he is wrong to think that way, that it is not fair to expect me to be completely stressless.
So where do I go, or what do I do, to relieve the stress being put upon me by other people who expect me to soothe their needs?
I'm blogging........ I exercise - but I'm here to tell you that will only go so far, because your body will break down if you push it too far - I sometimes go face down into the sugar bowl. I also ride my horse. But over the last couple of years, that has not exactly been stress reduction. My horse has some issues of his own that are hard to deal with, plus the barn I board at, rather than be a place of tranquility for me, has turned into a place I don't much enjoy being at anymore. I am working on fixing these, but it will take some time.
In the meantime, a good book is a great place to dive into!