6 weeks, 14 pounds and I finally reached my "unobtainable" first goal weight of 185 - or rather 184. I figure I've got roughly 30 pounds to go, but I'm not 100 % sure what my final goal weight will be. I figure 155 should be good, but we'll see when I get there, or when I feel great about myself.

I've been trying to reach 185 since I started sparkpeople on and off in 2008. It's always been the goal that's eluded me. I've never pushed hard enough to get there, and I know that's all on me, so it feels pretty good to get there now. I'm hoping I can be at (or under) 180 by the 1st, which I think is reasonable considering I've been losing 2.3 pounds a week on average and have 4 pounds to go. But if not it's okay because I'm not in a rush and I've upped my strength training. I've spent 2 days on upper body this week and one on my legs today. I've worked my core just a little bit today and sunday. I don't want to be so sore I can't move properly for 5 days again....baby steps to the bigger goal.

I was also cleared by my chiropractor to keep going to the gym today :D. I had pinched a nerve where the ball of my hip joins a couple weeks ago and finally gave in and went to see her last week. I haven't seen a chiropractor since high school so it was hard for me to admit that I needed to see one. She asked me to take at least 2 days off, and I obliged (I didn't want to though - I wanted to be at 185 this week) but now I'm clear to continue using the gym as long as I avoid the bike and anything that causes me pain to give myself proper time to heal. I can do that!!! I'm just excited I still get to go.

Now, about my body issues I've been having the past few days... I am still having them. I still feel huge and disgusting and wish I hadn't let myself get like this. I've talked to my friends and my parents and they all assure me I'm not fat....I disagree strongly. I still have probably 30 pounds of excess vesicular fat, and if I pinch my fat I seem to have 2-3 inches I can grab and my BMI still reads as obese. I know BMIs aren't perfect, but I can get to where it will be overweight, not obese, so until I get there I consider myself fat, not chubby. Maybe in 10 more pounds when my BMI reaches overweight I can stop considering myself fat, but we'll see how I feel about my body then.

I'm trying not to be so negative on my body though. I did this to it, and as much as I hate that I did, I guess I'd rather have to work for my new body and appreciate my hard work than to have a nice skinny body and not appreciate how hard they can be to get/maintain. I think part of my issue is that in my head 185 has been my unobtainable goal for so long that I also figured I'd look way better than I think I do when I reached it so now I'm being hard on myself because I don't meet the image I had in my head. That being said, I realize that image was fabricated from literally nothing, so I'm working on fixing it. I am NOT working on loving my body the way it is now, because then I'll decide it's okay to stay here and never get fit. Instead I'm working on accepting that my mental image isn't reality, and that's okay because this is nothing but a temporary stepping stone to get to where I'm going, which is a nice, strong, average body :)