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    CHUBRUB3   65,996
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Why do we not SEE ourselves?


Wednesday, February 13, 2013

I have a confession to make...

I have become a number not a person.

I don't know how this happened or why.

Ok maybe I do...

I have been so focused on losing weight, on becoming healthy that it is now a big part of my life and this is great.

I enjoy going to the gym with friends or different exercise classes, again with friends.

I have made it my social time, because face it I love socializing. That is who I am.

So this has now become a healthy habit which is wonderful -- truly.

What is not so wonderful is that I seem so SCALE MOTIVATED.

I eat 80-90% healthy things, and occasionally have something I shouldn't. Although I have to say even that choice is not necessarily a bad choice.

Overall I am happy with my eating habits though I know they need a tweak.

Now when January hit my weight jumped. Don't know why as I made it through the holidays with my plan and my plan worked.
But I am 7 lb. over my lowest weight, which may not seem a big deal, but when your SCALE MOTIVATED anything UP is WRONG.

I do have a lot of stressful things happening in my life right now, not to mention that I have been fighting 'hibernation' mode like crazy. Especially when the temperatures were so bad.

However I know what the problem is, it is again my blood sugar lows. My body is working more efficiently and it is time to lower my insulin which is very positive.

My A1C has dropped from 8.1 to 7.6. Yeah!

I have talked with my DR and he has ordered a (CBGM) Continuous Blood Glucose Monitor to see where I am having my difficulty as I seem to be all over the map.

And what happens when you have blood sugar lows?

--You EAT.

Therefore my food intake is more than I would like right now. Trying to watch it and keep it all together. And I will.

But this brings me back to numbers...

Because my weight has gone up all I can fixate on is the Number on the scale.

Before you fly off and tell me not to fixate on it, to look at other things, I do try to do that.

But...

If the Medical community is so fixated on this number, how can I not be?

They don't look and comment on my size changes; my lifestyle changes; my fitness accomplishments; my inches lost; etc, etc.

The first thing they want me to do is step on the scale and then hum and haw over the number that shows.

Ok I get that, but I am so much more than a number.

Do you know what I have found myself doing?

I have found myself basing my self worth on that number on the scale.

I have been calling myself horrible names, something I haven't done for over 73 pounds ago.

Yes I have a little less than 50 pounds to lose -- DR's words not mine.

Instead of celebrating what I have accomplished and celebrating where I am now; I am knocking myself and NOT SEEING MYSELF.

NOT SEEING MYSELF.

When was the last time that we, you and I, really looked in that mirror and saw ourself.

Saw our accomplishments.

Saw how far we have come, not how far we have to go.

What shook me up and made me realize what I was doing to myself was talking to a friend about my fat self. She looked at me and said 'YOU ARE NOT FAT'.

Now come on.

I have been the Fat girl all my life, what right do you have to say I am not?

She asked me if I really could not see myself.

No I guess I really can't.

Not until I open my eyes.

The beauty of a camera is its different than a mirror.



HELLO BEAUTIFUL.
It's nice to meet you.

I am no longer going to treat myself as a number.

I am no longer going to call myself nasty, horrible names.

I am proud of my accomplishments.

I am proud of where I am.

I will be proud of where I end up.

Why?

Why look how far I have come and all I have done, How can I not?



Hugs and love,
Angela
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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
_NONNIE02 3/1/2013 7:19AM

    Just saw your e-card off to the side! lol Love it!!

Don't those make you laugh????

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_NONNIE02 2/20/2013 4:10PM

    Okay, so I don't want to be a copy cat but EVERYONE ELSE put it so well!!! What more can I add except you KNOW I am in your corner. I sure get the A1C (both Tom and I, but he is considered a "1.5" diabetic). The monitor helped them to tweak his insulin pump.

You go, girl. Give yourself a hug. All the pieces of YOU will catch up with one another. I promise!

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LITTLETEAPOT17 2/20/2013 3:27PM

    You are awesome my dear sister! Love and hugs always....

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MDGARDENGIRL 2/19/2013 8:57AM

    Yeah for the A1C !! How awesome is that! When was THAT number so low????? hmmmmm maybe that should be the number on the scale? You know you have gained muscle weight Ang. That certainly is a part of it. Remember the dress? I still see the back of that dress.... before and after. And that was in the last few months! So you know your body is getting smaller and healthier. It takes time. And it takes effort.

You take care of the effort. God and your body will take care of the time.

Remember.... this is not a RACE, it's LIFE !!!

Hugs..... Marg

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DEE0973 2/19/2013 5:11AM

    You go girl. You look absolutely amazing and have accomplished so much. Try not to let the scale negate all that hard work and dedication. God bless!!!

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IJUSTNEED10 2/18/2013 8:22PM

    you look amazing congratulations on your accomplishments!

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SYLPHINPROGRESS 2/16/2013 2:48PM

    I am so surprised to learn you have these doubts and blind spots for yourself. This is the first I've seen you express them. Never, ever, ever discount what you've accomplished. Grab pen and paper and make a list of them, the big and the small ones, the physical, the health status, the emotional, the changes in clothing size, that you fit right on the seat of the folding chair instead of overlapping it, et al. . You'll end up with an eye-opening, seemingly endless list.

At the same time, never let anyone else discount your achievements. That doctor needs to be told that he/she is on thin ice. "You've lost xxx pounds and you've improved the A1C and... You've done brilliantly. Your ultimate goal is in view."

You've belittled yourself in all the areas I've celebrated you. You are beautiful, you are brilliant, you are strong, you're a goal-setter and a goal-achiever. It's time for you to brag and be obnoxious and full of yourself.
emoticon you

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DESERTMOTH 2/16/2013 10:50AM

    I woke up and first thing I did was my weekly weigh in. I was up over three pounds in a week. This almost put me right back where I started! I know two of the things I need go improve on but everything else has been better than good do I did not expect this. But like you I a, trying to remember I am not a number and I am getting healthy and making progress regardless of that number. I saw you blog right after the dreadful meeting with the scale. Thank you so much for sharing because I really needed to hear what you wrote. And I for one think you look absolutely fabulous!

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RUNNER12COM 2/16/2013 10:06AM

    You are an amazing success. Never forget that!

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CRYSTLE4HIMTX12 2/14/2013 3:13PM

    Way to look past the number. You look healthy and vibrant. emoticon And thin!

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PLMITCH 2/14/2013 8:50AM

    What a wonderful picture! And I know how you feel about the "numbers"!

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BEAUTIFULLYMADE 2/13/2013 10:27PM

    Angela, my beautiful friend. What a wonderful realization. Until we know what's wrong we can't fix it, right? I wish I had some insight on how to stop viewing ourselves as a number. But I do know that your an inspiration to me, your a beautiful person inside and out. Calling yourself names is like lying to yourself, I can't think of any nasty word that would even come close to describing you sweetie.

Love and Hugs
Bonnie

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TEXASFILLY 2/13/2013 8:28PM

    Gf, you may've been a fat girl at one time, but honey, you ain't anymore! For starters, 300 or 120~ you are drop dead gorgeous. Just look at those soulful eyes of yours! That says it all! Keep up your AWE~some success, beautiful! *hugs* BB~ emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LUCYJOY 2/13/2013 3:48PM

    You look wonderful. I had to drink juice yesterday when my glucose decided to nose dive. It is irritating. I don't know if you drink diet soda or stuff with artificial flavoring but I quit that and my last A1C was 5.4.

We are not a number, though.

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BOVEY63 2/13/2013 2:47PM

    You look so awesome Angela and are such an inspiration - not only in the weight you have lost but how you have changed your lifestyle along the journey. You are also such an amazing friend - encouraging and loving! I know I appreciate your friendship so very much!
emoticon emoticon emoticon
Sure hope an answer is found for your blood sugar issue soon.

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L*I*T*A* 2/13/2013 11:49AM

    wow.what an inspiration you are to so soo many!!!

emoticon emoticon

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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GINGERHAWK 2/13/2013 11:16AM

    Thanks for sharing this wonderful blog with us, Angela. It's so easy to get caught up in the number on our scale, isn't it? I know I've done it many times and I'm likely to do it again - it's a hard thing to overcome, no doubt. No matter what I weigh I always have a hard time looking at myself (in a picture of in the mirror) and seeing me the way that others do. Your blog was a great reminder to keep working on that issue and to move forward on a positive note. Best of luck in getting your blood sugar to even out - you can do it! You have come so far and you're amazing!

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MARTY728 2/13/2013 10:09AM

    You are AMAZING! emoticon emoticon

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-POOKIE- 2/13/2013 10:05AM

    This is a really good blog, something I need to remember a lot as well, so often I base my self worth on that number... we are more than that.

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SWDESERTLOVER 2/13/2013 9:12AM

    Oh Angela, this is a great blog! You are right on mark. It's so easy to get caught up in the numbers on the scale. You look great and have come so far. You should be very proud of yourself.

emoticon emoticon

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TIME2BLOOM4ME 2/13/2013 7:04AM

    emoticon

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CATHYGETSFIT 2/13/2013 6:38AM

    emoticon emoticon on lowering your A1C levels! I sure can relate to what you are saying though. When I look in the mirror or look at pics of myself all I can see are my faults. I also understand the numbers thing! It is frustrating and irritating that the medical community if focused on numbers though. If you are doing ST though the numbers on the scale might be because you are gaining muscle and losing fat. Muscle really does weigh more than fat! Read this blog I posted a few days ago http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_p
ublic_journal_individual.asp?bl
og_id=5243024.

I rarely weigh myself anymore because it just isn't good for me mentally. Instead I focus on my clothes and how they are fitting. I'm glad you are getting a hold on negative self talk! It really is detrimental to our whole well-being! We are more than some stupid numbers!! emoticon

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SWAZY33 2/13/2013 6:04AM

    It's crazy what stress does to us! Sends me right to the comfort food! But, I think you are right...we need to focus on and CELEBRATE the positives and other non scale victories. You are doing great and you KNOW you are healthier now and that's something to be very proud of :)

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ERIN1957 2/13/2013 4:38AM

    I had battled me for only my last 30 pounds. I did great the first 70. Developed new healthy habits and worked hard to get the 70 off. These last 30 are about the inner me, not the outer me. These have been the best and yes even the worst pounds I have battled. I had to step back and seriously look at all the whys and actually address the whole me. That included the fat me, the new me, and all of me. These last two years have been my awakening to the rest of my life.
You will do great as you peel away the layers and find that "lifestyle" person. The life you can live with and accept, become and recreate in the new you!
You are almost there! I am excited for you!!
emoticon

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HICKOK-HALEY 2/13/2013 4:03AM

    You have such a wonderful smile, and I think you look great. Hang in there. You will get the weight off again. I'm glad you called the Doctor. Hope the blood level gets to where it should be soon! emoticon

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DRB13_1 2/13/2013 1:29AM

    here's hoping the continuous glucose monitor will help you stabilize.
Remember, being active makes you fitter even if the scale doesn't cooperate.
emoticon on the progress you've made and the good things ahead.

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JUSTLLAMA 2/13/2013 1:24AM

    First off - WAY TO GO on lowering you A1C. That is HUGE!

Second - you are GORGEOUS, regardless of what number shows on the scale. That said, I can totally relate. I had one of my worst weeks in a long, long time because of those blasted numbers on the scale. It's too bad we let three numbers have SO much control.

I'm glad to see you are tackling this problem and seeing yourself as more than a number. You are SO much more than that!

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DEBBIEANNE1124 2/13/2013 12:55AM

    No matter how you look at those numbers youa re beautiful. Keep up the good work.

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FITANDFIFTY2 2/13/2013 12:54AM

    Oh you said what so many of us deal with, the number. I understand, 1 up and it can ruin the day... I suddenly feel 100 lbs more than I am. If I am under that perfect number, I feel so much lighter!! Seriously, it is a crazy thing to have that number rule your day.... I am with you, be healthy, and not allow those numbers to dominate us. We are much more than a number. Hugs to you!!

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TWILIGHTEYES 2/13/2013 12:48AM

    Oh my friend... you are so precious to me. The scale can be such a trap, I'm guilty of it too. I am so proud of you and how you have been busting your butt at the gym. We all get number obsessed sometimes and you are so right about the medical community bearing much of the responsibility for that. You are fit, healthy, and BEAUTIFUL! Let me share one of my favorite Joyce Meyer quotes- "I'm not where I want to be but, thank God, I'm not where I used to be!" And YAY for that A1C!!!

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