I have a confession to make...
I have become a number not a person.
I don't know how this happened or why.
Ok maybe I do...
I have been so focused on losing weight, on becoming healthy that it is now a big part of my life and this is great.
I enjoy going to the gym with friends or different exercise classes, again with friends.
I have made it my social time, because face it I love socializing. That is who I am.
So this has now become a healthy habit which is wonderful -- truly.
What is not so wonderful is that I seem so SCALE MOTIVATED.
I eat 80-90% healthy things, and occasionally have something I shouldn't. Although I have to say even that choice is not necessarily a bad choice.
Overall I am happy with my eating habits though I know they need a tweak.
Now when January hit my weight jumped. Don't know why as I made it through the holidays with my plan and my plan worked.
But I am 7 lb. over my lowest weight, which may not seem a big deal, but when your SCALE MOTIVATED anything UP is WRONG.
I do have a lot of stressful things happening in my life right now, not to mention that I have been fighting 'hibernation' mode like crazy. Especially when the temperatures were so bad.
However I know what the problem is, it is again my blood sugar lows. My body is working more efficiently and it is time to lower my insulin which is very positive.
My A1C has dropped from 8.1 to 7.6. Yeah!
I have talked with my DR and he has ordered a (CBGM) Continuous Blood Glucose Monitor to see where I am having my difficulty as I seem to be all over the map.
And what happens when you have blood sugar lows?
Therefore my food intake is more than I would like right now. Trying to watch it and keep it all together. And I will.
But this brings me back to numbers...
Because my weight has gone up all I can fixate on is the Number on the scale.
Before you fly off and tell me not to fixate on it, to look at other things, I do try to do that.
If the Medical community is so fixated on this number, how can I not be?
They don't look and comment on my size changes; my lifestyle changes; my fitness accomplishments; my inches lost; etc, etc.
The first thing they want me to do is step on the scale and then hum and haw over the number that shows.
Ok I get that, but I am so much more than a number.
Do you know what I have found myself doing?
I have found myself basing my self worth on that number on the scale.
I have been calling myself horrible names, something I haven't done for over 73 pounds ago.
Yes I have a little less than 50 pounds to lose -- DR's words not mine.
Instead of celebrating what I have accomplished and celebrating where I am now; I am knocking myself and NOT SEEING MYSELF.
NOT SEEING MYSELF.
When was the last time that we, you and I, really looked in that mirror and saw ourself.
Saw our accomplishments.
Saw how far we have come, not how far we have to go.
What shook me up and made me realize what I was doing to myself was talking to a friend about my fat self. She looked at me and said 'YOU ARE NOT FAT'.
Now come on.
I have been the Fat girl all my life, what right do you have to say I am not?
She asked me if I really could not see myself.
No I guess I really can't.
Not until I open my eyes.
The beauty of a camera is its different than a mirror.
It's nice to meet you.
I am no longer going to treat myself as a number.
I am no longer going to call myself nasty, horrible names.
I am proud of my accomplishments.
I am proud of where I am.
I will be proud of where I end up.
Why look how far I have come and all I have done, How can I not?
Hugs and love,