Tuesday, February 12, 2013
So as of this writing I haven't even thought about making healthy food choices for a good solid two months. "What is wrong with me?" is what goes through my head most days. Not because I'm not tracking but because of my overeating problem.
I'm finally admitting to myself and to the world that I am a binge eater. I've called it "emotional eating" for many years now but I don't think that really does it justice in my situation. I believe it started as emotional eating but over the 12 yrs that my weight has been an issue it's snowballed.
Long story short: moved away from hometown with hubby and 18 month daughter. Knew absolutely nobody in new town and was a stay a home mom. Pregnant with son, big time postpartum depression diagnosed. Pregnant with son #2 which was a complete surprise, many complications. Again postpartum depression. Still a SAHM but friends down here. Horrible appendicitis, surgery was botched beyond belief almost died. Began the descent into depression.
Through all of this I turned to food to comfort me, keep me company when bored, take away the stress and nurture me. But at this point, and probably for the past 1-2 yrs, I binge. I will eat a healthy breakfast with kids before school. Drop them off, come home and eat leftovers from last nights dinner. Follow that with something sweet for dessert. Now it's lunchtime so I eat more leftovers + more sweet. Next I want something crunchy and of course sweet comes next again. Then before I go get the kids I usually eat one more "snack". After the kids are home they all have a snack (which I always make sure is healthy) so I go ahead and snack with them. Then it's dinner which is homecooked and good for you and I only have one small portion because I'm so stuffed from earlier. Sometimes after dinner we will have a sweet treat or popcorn, again I only have regular size portions if I have any at all.
The whole time I'm eating I'm thinking about how full I feel, how tired it makes me and what I will shove in my mouth next. I make sure and wash dishes up and bury any wrappers down in the garbage so nobody sees my indiscretions.
And all of this realization came about when I picked up a book at the library called "Feeding the Hungry Heart" by Geneen Roth. Originally printed back in 1982 it's a collection of quick essays and short stories written by women who have suffered from compulsive eating. It really struck home with me and I could see myself in a few of the writings. It was a major slap in my face- wake up call that brought tears to my eyes.
Tomorrow I will talk with my hubby (as he's already in bed for the night) and then call my therapist because I know I can't do this alone.