Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Yesterday was a good day. I realized I was happy and that hasn't happened since my son died over a year ago. I've had moments of joy in that time but I was just happy yesterday. Got back to my treadmill and not up to speed but did my 45 minutes and it felt great. I got a ton of things done that had been piling up and even left the house alone for the first time in a long while. I managed to find some old walking shoes in my closet with wider tops that I can get on my foot. My foot still doesn't like shoes, but this was tolerable for some short errands. (The shoe rubs on the bruising, it's not swollen like it was before)
Today didn't start out very well. It's colder, no sun, and I overslept. I didn't make a list of things I needed to do yesterday and quite frankly, didn't feel like doing anything-including getting up. I did, though, and I drug myself to my treadmill. I had to do some serious self talk to do it but I made it through. I felt relieved rather then great like I did yesterday.
I then had computer issues that sent me into meltdown mode quickly. I don't realize how much it takes for me to try to build a new life without my child until something minor happens and boom! auto tears. So I took some deep breaths and remembered this is an older computer and several years ago, a techie friend very patiently taught me how to fix a few things-and backdate my settings. Oh, what a blessing that memory was today and it worked. I was so grateful and though he probably thinks I'm a nut, I sent him a thank you message. I don't think I spend enough time thanking people who have blessed my life in little or big ways.
I did run some errands today-let my kiddo drive. He's really wanting his license. I did get a used car that runs well. It needs a few minor things fixed before it'll pass inspection but low dollar items. I hope to get that done soon.
Tomorrow is suppose to be sunny a unseasonably warm so I may venture out a bit more tomorrow. I'm trying to refind my independence. It's hard to explain but intense grief does funny things to the brain. I feel unsafe when there isn't reason to be and I worry about my concentration when I'm driving. (I hear from other grieving mothers that this is entirely normal)
I gained so much weight between mid October and January with my brain fog and depression. I am starting to slowly lose but I have 8 pounds to get to where I was before. My jeans are at least fitting without holding my breath. Still up a size from where I was but such is life and tomorrow is another day.
I will beat this. I have grandchildren to chase around and will be needing my energy level up so work, work, work.