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HOW DO YOU SAY IT?

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

HOW DO YOU SAY THE REALLY, REALLY, HARD THINGS TO PEOPLE? HOW DO YOU TELL A FRIEND THAT THEY ARE MAKING A HUGE MISTAKE WITHOUT HURTING THEIR FEELINGS OR WORSE YET, LOSING THAT FRIENDSHIP?

AND HARDEST OF ALL, HOW DO YOU TELL A FAMILY MEMBER, THAT THEY HAVE PUSHED YOU SO MANY TIMES THAT YOU HAVE NO FEELINGS LEFT FOR THAT PERSON AT ALL? THE OPPOSITE OF LOVE IS NOT HATE. THE OPPOSITE OF LOVE IS INDIFFERENCE.

WHEN A LOVED ONE HAS HURT YOU SO MANY TIMES, AND THEY SINCERELY TRY TO TURN IT AROUND, YOU PRAISE THEIR SUCCESS BUT HOLD YOUR FEELINGS IN CHECK JUST IN CASE ... YOUR GUT TELLS YOU NOT TO FALL FOR THIS GARBAGE ANOTHER TIME, BUT IT'S YOUR FAMILY! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO LOVE YOUR FAMILY, RIGHT? AND WHAT IF IT'S YOUR CHILD? YOU GAVE BIRTH TO THIS CHILD. WHO COULD POSSIBLY BE CLOSER TO THAT CHILD THAN YOU ARE? YET I HAVE SEEN MORE PARENTS CRUSHED BY THINGS THEIR CHILDREN HAVE DONE THAN I CARE TO COUNT.

BUT WHAT IF THAT SOMEONE IS A PERSON THAT YOU PICKED TO SHARE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH? HOW MUCH ARE THEY ALLOWED TO BRING YOU DOWN BEFORE YOU JUST CAN'T GET UP ANY MORE? I ONCE READ A QUOTE SOMEWHERE THAT SAID, "NEVER LET ANYONE DULL YOUR SPARKLE". WELL, MY SPARKLE DONE FIZZLED OUT - ALMOST. SO I DECIDED TO FIGHT FOR IT.

I SAT MY SIGNIFICANT OTHER DOWN (FOR ABOUT THE 100TH TIME) AND TOLD HIM THAT HE HAD HURT ME WITH WHAT HE SAID. HIS RESPONSE WAS "HERE WE GO AGAIN!" I TOLD HIM NO! WE WEREN'T GOING THERE AGAIN. I TOLD HIM THAT, EVEN THOUGH HE SEEMED UNABLE TO SEE IT, I WAS A REALLY BEAUTIFUL PERSON. WHAT HE SEES ON THE OUTSIDE DOESN'T COUNT. WHAT IS ON THE INSIDE, THAT COMPLETES THE PERSON THAT I AM, IS WHAT IS BEAUTIFUL. HE LAUGHED.

I TOLD HIM THAT ALL I EXPECTED OF HIM IN THE FUTURE IS TO KEEP PAYING MY BILLS. I WOULD NOT ABUSE THE PRIVILEGE BY PURCHASING ANYTHING UNNECESSARY OR FRIVOLOUS. BUT IF I EXPECT NO MORE FROM HIM, I CAN'T BE DISAPPOINTED. HE ASKED WHAT I WAS GOING TO DO FOR HIM IN RETURN. I WAS SPEECHLESS - WHICH FOR ME IS A VERY LARGE DEAL.

I ASKED HIM WHO DOES HIS COOKING, CLEANING, LAUNDRY, SHOPPING, ERRANDS NOT ONLY FOR HIM BUT FOR HIS FAMILY AS WELL? WHO REMEMBERS TO SEND A CARD, FROM HIM, TO EACH OF HIS FAMILY MEMBERS FOR BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, ETC?
HE SAID, "THAT ISN'T VERY MUCH IN EXCHANGE FOR ME SUPPORTING YOU." I AM MARRIED TO THIS MAN!

THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS, HE KNOWS HE HAS ME OVER A BARREL (FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING OF COURSE). I HAVE NO MONEY OF MY OWN AND NOWHERE TO GO AND DO NOT QUALIFY FOR ANY GOVERNMENT PROGRAMS. SO HE FEELS HE CAN TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME WHENEVER HE LIKES. NO MORE!

I BOUGHT A SMALL TV TODAY (USED) AND HOOKED IT UP IN MY BEDROOM. IT IS BLACK AND WHITE BUT I DON'T REALLY CARE. I ALSO HAVE A RADIO. WHEN HE IS HOME, I WILL
SPEND MY TIME IN MY ROOM. WHEN HE IS GONE I WILL DO AS I LIKE - GO SEE A MOVIE OR OUT TO LUNCH OR TO CHURCH TO VOLUNTEER A FEW HOURS. BUT I WON'T LET HIM DULL MY SPARKLE ANY LONGER. I TRULY WISH THERE WAS SOME OTHER WAY.

I SUGGESTED COUNSELING, BUT HE WON'T DO THAT. I SUGGESTED GETTING TOGETHER WITH ONE OF OUR PASTORS. HE CHOSE HIS (I AM NOT WELCOME AT HIS CHURCH) BUT I WENT ALONG WITH IT. HE IS A PASTOR AFTER ALL AND I'M SURE, HAS SEEN OTHER SITUATIONS LIKE OURS. THE PASTOR TOLD ME THAT I MUST SUBMIT TO DH IN ALL THINGS - ALL! I MUST DO AS HE TELLS ME WHEN HE TELLS ME. I MUST WEAR WHAT HE SAYS TO WEAR AND NOT SPEAK TO PEOPLE HE DOESN'T APPROVE OF (LIKE MY OWN DAUGHTER). I MUST VOTE THE WAY DH TELLS ME TO AND SHOULD GET $10.00 A WEEK ALLOWANCE THAT I MUST SAVE UP IF I WANT TO BUY MYSELF SOMETHING. WOW! I TOLD HIM (RESPECTFULLY) THAT I WAS AFRAID I COULDN'T DO THAT. SO HE TOLD ME I WOULD BURN IN HELL FOREVER. SINCE I AM MARRIED AND REFUSE TO COMPLY WITH THE WISHES OF MY SPOUSE, I AM DOOMED TO ETERNITY IN HELL. DOUBLE WOW!

SO I THEN SUGGESTED WE GO TALK TO MY PASTOR. BELIEVE IT OR NOT, HE WENT ALONG WITH IT. WE TOLD THIS PASTOR OUR EXACT SAME STORY AND HE LOOKED AT MY HUSBAND AND SAID, "AND HOW'S TREATING HER LIKE GARBAGE WORKING FOR YOU"? DH GOT UP AND LEFT. NO DISCUSSION. ON THE WAY HOME, HE SAID, "AND YOU CALL THAT A CHURCH"?

SO I AM RIGHT BACK TO PLAN A - TAKE CARE OF ME AND PRAY FOR THE STRENGTH TO MAKE IT THROUGH. I SURE HOPE IT WORKS BECAUSE THERE IS NO PLAN B AT THIS TIME. THANKS FOR LETTING ME VENT.

ERIN
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RUTHIEBEAR 2/17/2013 9:36AM

    Oh Erin, I am sorry I have been so caught up in my own mess, that I have not been around to keep up with your heartache. It just boggles my mind that his an can be so self centered and so unkind to you. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!! Please do not let him steal your sparkle. Do what you need to for your own well being. I love you, dear friend. emoticon

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RAINBOW_LADY 2/16/2013 2:53AM

  If I were you I'd have more quality 'me' time, stop doing the 101 things for him which aren't appreciated and speak to my Pastor or someone I could trust to see whether there really is no way out. Easier said than done I know but we only get one shot at life and you deserve some sunshine in yours hun
emoticon

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LITTLE_QUEEN 2/12/2013 9:12PM

    you already know how i feel erin PLEASE TRY TO JUST LIVE YOUR LIFE AND JUST STAY AWAY FROM HIM WHEN HE WAS HOME, BUT I TELL YA I WOULD HAVE BOUGHT A NICE COLORED TV FOR SURE

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MILLISMA 2/12/2013 8:14PM

    ERIN, I AM SO SORRY FOR WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH. I AM SHOCKED BY WHAT YOUR HUSBAND'S PASTOR SAID. I CAN'T PUT IN PRINT WHAT I'D LIKE TO SAY. YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOU. DO YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE TALKING TO YOUR PASTOR ON YOUR OWN? IT MIGHT BE HELPFUL JUST TO HAVE SOMEONE YOU CAN TALK TO. I WILL KEEP YOU IN MY PRAYERS AND HOPE THAT THINGS WILL GO BETTER FOR YOU.

HUGS.....MARY ANNE

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IOWAGRAMMA 2/12/2013 8:13PM

    Erin, I'm so sorry you are having sucn an ongoing problem with your husband. Sending you lots of love and prayers. Love, Jeannie
PS: I would stop sending cards and remembrances to his family. That's one simple thing that might give you a small feeling of satisfaction. emoticon

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MTNGRL 2/12/2013 7:06PM

    Erin, I can only offer up prayers for you, for strength and for answers to your own prayers. Maybe your own pastor can help you find a way out.

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KRYS210 2/12/2013 5:43PM

    You are in my prayers and thoughts. Do what you need to do to survive. The bible tells husbands to take care of their wives like Christ takes care of the church. I think they forgot to read the rest of the scripture!

Glad you are on this team - we respect and honor each other. I hope that helps you get through those days.



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BELDONDOG1 2/12/2013 5:02PM

    OMG. Erin! What kind of church does your AHH belong to? I don't dare say "DH" because I think that means "dear husband" or "darling husband" and believe me, yours is neither!! And if he now treats you like a human being, he expects you should do something in return?? Who does he thinks does all the housework, cooking and all the running for him-little fairies? In fact, just who in the hell does he think he is???
I thought when I talked to you yesterday, that things were bad--but he gets worse every day--actually, every minute!!
You mentioned going to do some volunteer work. Are you in any shape to get a little job anywhere so you can save up some money to get the hell out of there? Is your daughter anywhere near you? Anyway she can help? Even a shelter until you can get on your feet? Erin, I will pray so hard for you that the good Lord has to hear me. And I am sure that after everyone reads this blog, they will do the same. Honey, please keep me posted. Love you, Noel

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