Tuesday, February 12, 2013
It's Hell Week in school (midterms, and a whole lot of reports due plus one presentation), and what's a sarcastically better way to punctuate the hectic week with a bout of dysthymia*? :(
I'm quite overwhelmed with my to-do checklist for the week, and one of the worst coping mechanisms I've always had was to withdraw, escape, sleep... pre-occupy myself with some sort of distraction to delay the pain of having to dive into all those responsibilities. Of course, this even makes the situation worse, and before I know it, I'll be spiraling down a hole of unfinished tasks and less time to get them done. I'm aware of the consequences, and yet I find difficulty acting to alleviate them. That's what dysthymia does: you're functional but barely.
I'm under medication for my condition, but there are times when I do need quick picker-uppers just to overcome a single hurdle. Exercise can be that picker-upper but even I need a picker-upper in order to get some exercise done. It's picker-upper-ception. I need a boost to get a boost and so on. :( More often than not it's just easier to drop everything and see the world go by. And not care.
I've figured out that one reason why I'm getting all these blues (apart from being overwhelmed by life and school and so on and so forth) is that I'm seeing very slow progress with my weight loss and energy levels. I know that such things happen and a lot people experience it... 2 weeks into your program and still little to no results. I can honestly say that I'm becoming discouraged, impatient, frustrated, and once again, overwhelmed. I work hard enough just to get on my feet to do 45 minutes of exercise everyday and reach my goal of being consistent for 90 days... and I have to do this for 90 days without having to modify my goal, lest I take in a habit of modifying and modifying until there's nothing left for me to work on. I NEED TO DO THIS and yet I can't. I really have to motivate myself and burst into action. But first I have to write down my feelings. I need a written self-explanation for this mess I'm in. I have to evaluate why I'm feeling this mess.
A part of me is saying that I can't wait to feel better to get things done. I just have to dive in and do them regardless of what I feel. Maybe getting them done will make me feel better, maybe not. Sigh, such is life.
Sometimes I wish I could just put my life on hold and focus on my weight loss. It's that daydream stuck in my head. But a daydream is a daydream and I've got to face life head-on. I'll find the motivation. I'll find the right people to help me. I'll find ways to challenge myself and yet not beat myself up unnecessarily. I'll find ways.