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    BUTTERCUPP76   9,608
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Reflections

Monday, February 11, 2013

I am sitting here and just thinking over the past years and all the self-sabotage I've engaged in. I've never really had what you would call great self-esteem. It has truly only been in the last few years that I have gained enough confidence in who I am that I can really be me. Five years ago now I lost 60 pounds doing Weight Watchers and taking a medicine for my type 2 diabetes. It really felt like the weight was more or less melting off of me and even better I didn't have to closely guard what I was eating, really just the amount. I indulged in lots of extras and still the weight was coming off. I was smaller, but the self esteem still wasn't there like I thought it would be if I was able to lose weight.

Right when I hit my lowest weight I had been in years, my grandmother died. . Losing her was tough, and my weight loss stalled at that point and I began a slow climb back up. Hubby proposed on 4th of July that year, and I wanted to lose the weight I had gained, but it never happened. We had started dating before I lost weight and I knew he loved me no matter what size I was. Slow climb kept going until I hit 200. I have been there give or take 5-10 pounds since about 2009.

After getting married, we bought my grandmother's house and worked to fix it up and moved in late '09. Then about a month after we moved in my son (who was born with only about two-thirds of his heart) got H1N1. He had been on a slow decline since '07 and the H1N1 was the straw that broke the camel's back. We lost him 8 months later. Initially I lost a little weight, but put that back on fairly quickly.

In this experience, I gained my self esteem. Not an expected gain in that type of situation, but nevertheless, that's when it happened. I've learned how to stand up for myself and how to make myself feel better through exercise. I have found Zumba and running. I have also strengthened my faith and my belief that God's plan is perfect for us. Yes, it has been, and frankly still is, an emotional rollercoaster and there were days when I didn't know if I would could get out of bed or not, but I have found an inner strenght I didn't know I possessed.

My health journey is not about a number or a size of pants. For me, it is about mental and physical health. I do hope that weight loss is the outcome, of course I do but it isn't strictly about that. It is about mentally and physically having a outlet for my grief, that is positive and healing. It is about the accomplishment of being in a fair amount of control of this when there is so much I have no control over.

Everyone's journey is different and unique, and you never know what may help and motivate someone, so I thought I would let you in on a little of my journey thus far.

Keep on sparking Sparkfriends, your the best!
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