Monday, February 11, 2013
I think I'm feeling too lost, sad and depressed. I came back to spark to help me with this since I think I'm feeling these feelings, because I'm still not doing what I should and lose the weight. I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself and like a loser. Some days I don't care and I get on the scale and smile because I haven't gained, but I need to be TRYING to lose - not just maintain. I don't know. I think I need therapy to deal with other crap in my head. My weight and food issues are a result of other emotions inside of me that have built up over many years. I decided once my son is 18 (year and a half) and in college and I know he's safe and taken care of there, I'm going to disappear alone. Not die, just disappear. I will keep in contact with my son, my sister and my bff so they know I'm ok. I don't know if it's age b/c I'm close to 40 or what, but I really don't feel like myself for months now. I struggle with what's 'normal' and wonder if I'm am I depressed. Anyways, I had to get that out. I'm tired of the pain inside and writing is my way to release it. It used to be exercise and feeling good about myself by exercising and eating healthy, but I just don't have the will anymore.