Monday, February 11, 2013
Jan 27th to Feb 11th ---- 16 days bedrest and counting
I have not been online I should have been.
I have not watched what I ate.. I binged I should not have.
I have not stood on a scale in 16 days.. I can not stand for long
I have not walked more then 10 steps in a day.. I can not walk
I have not sat at the table for dinner
I have not sat at the desk to use the computer
I have not talked to people
I have spent 16 days and counting feeling sorry for myself.
I should not have.
I should not say that I did not spend every second of the time in my self pitty party.
But I did spend more time there then I should.
I have to thank everyone for the kind words and virtual hugs and prayers I myself do not know what I belive in anymore with the injury it seems to have robbed me of my faith but I still tend to think about why so many bad things happen if there is a God or higher power.. But if we are just cells that live and die and nothing more that is more depressing then being injured so I will have to search my self body and soul and find out what it is that I belive and how strong can I belive it.. I have never been baptised into any church or religion I have been to church school and know the basics growing up we were put in any churches summer programs to have interaction with kids of are age or for a program that would watch us for an hour so the parents could shop with out us four kids going nuts in the cerial isle of the store :S
I don't have kids of my own but before I was injured I babysat/nanny for people and kids just go nuts in the store I like to think it is carma for how we acted when we were that age :)
I hope that one day I get to have kids but with the injury it is probably something that will not happen for me.
How does one find a man get pregnant carry a child then go through birth and then raising it when they can not move for half a month at a time.
At this moment I could not care for a fish/cat/dog let alone a human child.
It is a dream a wish in all my life I have not had a regret until now..
Now I regret not having a kid when I got out of highschool...
I regret not having a kid when I got out of college the first second third forth fifth times
I will die with a life time of memories that I will cherish the good choices and the bad
everyone what I wanted to do at that moment..
I don't think I will ever not cry at the simple thought of never having a child of my own.
I never thought I would be injured by a doctor/chiropractor
I guess too much time in bed gives a person too much time to think..
I think in the last 16 days I have gained the weight back that I lost but I can not know for sure untill I can physically stand on the scale..
Wouldn't it be nice if I stayed at the same weight or even better if I lost some weight..
But reality is I did not watch what I ate I did not figure out serving sizes and calories and nutrition it is all a forign concept I keep trying to figure it out and hope that one day
I can be a healthy weight and active and pain free..
I have only one thing that keeps me going knowing that before I was hurt I did live I can close my eyes and remember the feel of the snow on my face and the thrill of skiing down the short runs in the mountains.. the sound of the tennis ball hitting the raquett the feel of the blisters that form in your hand from the first seasons kyack trip out on the lake.. the rush of diving from the high boards and the way your muscles all wanted to die at the end of a killer swim set.. the fun of peddling around town on my bike and all the treasured momemets playing with kids friends and family of all ages and the moments I will always remember and thank god for are the hugs and kisses that I have recived in person or virtual from all the friends family and aquantances.. I am glad that I found sparks people it has been a huge blessing in my life and I am thankful for all the friends I have made here and still have to make.. I hope it never changes.