Sunday, February 10, 2013
It seems this past week I have talked to a number of people who are having
issues with their body image (I share this same concern). If I go by how my
clothes fit, I feel great; If go by what I see in the mirror- my image is distorted from what I see in my minds eye. And if I go by the scales, I am totally defeated.
I have decided to come to terms once an for all with the way I REALLY look.
My sister is a photographer, along with my father and step-mother. They are always taking pictures... I ask them to share some of the pictures of me with me and I end up never getting them. I ask why and the usual response is "it didn't turn out the well". My response is it turned out the way I look, and I still would like to see those images. A picture never lies. And my response usually is "I know dammit".... but I don't always see what other people see in pictures- I see the joy, the sadness, or the love radiating from the person (including myself)...
Yes a picture never lies. It has shadows, shows wrinkles profoundly depending on the light. Will show bulk that can be also be distorted by the light or the position or whatever... but it never lies about what that person is thinking of themselves at the time it was taken.
A couple of weeks ago it snowed here, it's not something we see often enough for my likes, I was with my father and I asked him to take a picture of me as the snow started falling. I was in sweat pants, Uggs, and a BIG thick Swimmer's parka... I have no idea what I looked like, but I bet I looked happy and joyful. My body may have looked like a big ole' rectangle considering what I had on, but I didn't want to picture to see the rectangle- I wanted a copy of the picture to see my joy (in a not so joy filled time in my life) over the snow.
I have had a conversation about the shape of my body ... a dear friend says it's Rubinesque ... I think it is more that than a rectangle, but when I wear certain clothing, I do look like a big rectangle, nothing form fitting all hanging loose on my body. I don't always dress this way, but since I have started my journey, many of my clothes just hang on me and not wanting to go buy a bunch of new clothes that will be transitional I choose to wear my older clothes that don't show my new waist line, which is still quite large.
BUT to be true to myself, I need to get what is in my minds eye to match up with what I see in the mirror... either by expanding my own self-image or by getting my body in shape by toning and working the muscles and by losing weight to meet it that way. One way or another I am going to meet myself in a whole new light. It's going to take honesty, commitment and a really good look at my body!!!
You know the look... stand in front of mirror out of the shower naked sort of look. It may hurt, it may even be difficult to view for more than a few minutes. But I am going to do it often and as much as necessary until I start to see that woman I am .... she may be robust, overweight, have hanging bat wings (one of things I truly hate - and trust me, my body has a lot of flaws) but I am going to reintroduce myself to me. To relearn how to love THAT me. Because without that reality of what I really look like (to other people also) then I won't make the true commitment to truly love and adore all of who I am and make the changes I need to continue to make to get to a place of a healthier me.
It's mental as well as physical and spiritual.
Living overweight and being as active as I have been most of my life does damage to the self-image. It makes for tough work. I am ready for it.
I am facing this right now and taking it on because I need to. I have looked at myself through other peoples eyes and it hurts my heart. I refuse to allow that to continue to happen. I want to be happy, I want to be loved for who I truly am, I want to find that very special someone who loves me and all my flaws. My heart deserves that one hope! that dream.
I am recovering from a hard fought battle, I am a bit tired but today was my first real outting in public, I went to see a movie with my tiny big sister. :)
(By the way if you haven't seen the Story of Pi, you must see it in 3D- it's incredible).
But I am testing my immune system and making my way back to a more public life. I can't hide behind that much longer and that is exactly what happens is I hide! I try to not think about it that way, but when my immune system doesn't allow me to be in exposed to the outside worid, it's really easy to say... I'll just say here. But I am not going to be able to use that excuse for much longer. I am healing, getting stronger, and I want more than anything to get back to the gym, instead of some private clean room at the physical therapists office where I get pulled and worked out by my very wonderful physical therapist- who never judges me and pushes me to always do better than I was the week before. I do his workout everyday and I make sure that I stretch and push my muscles a bit further than I did the day before.
I am going to confront this body-image and I am going to love what I see and I am going to adore how I feel about it!
Aren't we all worth having someone adore us? And it has to start with me.