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Sunday, February 10, 2013

I decided that one thing that contributes to my depression could be my loneliness. I wake up in the morning maybe speak to my husband for a few minutes, and rush to get ready for work. I work all day with people, but they are young adolescent people whose minds I have to help shape and edify. I get a lunch break with co-workers that's maybe 30-ish minutes long, and everyone vents about workplace drama. Then I continue my job until about 3:30 or 4, however fast I can leave, and either rush home to see my husband or head to the gym and train, depending on the day. The most interaction I see in a day is My husband for an hour or two, while we are rushing about our day, my dogs, and my trainer, and he would prefer that I keep my mouth closed and sweat harder.

So, I've been trying to reach out the last couple of weeks.
I've started going to Sunday school. My old youth leader has moved to young marrieds and called to invite me back, so I went. I started having lunch with family after church on Sundays, I've been working on being a better sister to my brother, who just had back surgery, and I've been checking in on him several times a week. I went shopping with my mom and cousin for the first time since Christmas. And I'm starting to try to go have target practice with my husband and my family at least once each weekend.

I've also decided I want to try to write a book, which is something I've always wanted, but have never been brave enough to do.

Those are the positive things. I'm trying to spend time with people more, and I'm trying new things, or old things again.

Church was and is very hard though. We were burned by our church and I am giving it another chance, but my husband is too tired, and I suspect too hurt to go back.

I had a hard time going back and seeing some new faces and some old. I havent really felt connected to the people at my church in a long time. There are some people who see me and they're friendly to me, but I'm not really close with anyone, except maybe my sister and her husband when they come on occasion. When I went last Sunday it was the first time in many onths and I was feeling pretty emotional. I broke down a few times and had to conceal my tears from other people. I felt like I was in a lion's den. Church people always seem ready to pounce at the first sign of any weakness and start prying into your personal life. I wasn't quite ready to share. But the first thing my former youth leader asked was for everyone to introduce themselves, tell how many children they have and that was the first break in the plaster for me. Okay, I don't have any living children, but I can't exactly say I don't have any either. I feel like that would be wrong. Then I had to sit and listen to people go around and talk about all of their kids and their families. I kept having to quietly get up and go to the bathroom. If my sister hadn't been sitting next to me, I don't think I could have made it through that.

I decided to join my sister and her husband for the church service as well. Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment, but if I went home, I knew I'd just be sitting there thinking about it anyway, and I would be alone, which would be worse. So I went to the main service, and I only had to get up to leave once. Well, twice... after the service, a lady came up to my sister who works with her at the hospital. I knew her and even liked her, but I couldn't place her face... until I realized I know her from the Obgyn's office. And the floodgates were open again.

I went back today, and while it was still hard to listen to people talking about their kids, and I still had to fight the urge to cry, I made it through the adult class without leaving the room, or crying silently in the back. I'm proud of myself for that. I probably wouldn't be going back, but someone actually talked to me and reached out to me, so maybe I'll try again. I didn't stay for the main service this time though. We'll see how this goes.

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