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Breaking through the past's dirty little secrets.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Wow, where to begin. I guess I'm in a blue faze. I feel the pressures of life are finally catching up to me. I run from things. Not intentionally, I just have never really felt secure anywhere. Growing up I was tossed around a lot, sometimes to good places like my aunts or grandmas. Other times to not good places, grungy places, places fueled by alcohol, sex and most likely drugs. I was very shy and scarred and cried a lot. I also hid, behind things always holding my little brothers hand. I had to protect him after all.

So of course as soon as I turned 18 I was traveling, meeting new people trying to find something that made me happy, made me feel safe. I was a wild child. I had fun on the outside and cried on the inside and sometime outside for the whole world to see. That was never a pretty scene. After holding it in and pretending I was happy all the time, I'd just lose it (mostly after a lot of booze), one time I climbed about half way up a mountain behind my house, screamed from the top of my lungs, f - you to the whole town. Luckily it was a very small town. A friend of mine climbed up to get me and I jumped off a little cliff and tumbled down the hill, picking up tons of cacti needles with my body. He put me in his car and took me to his house, though at one point I jumped out of the car window. Let's just say that should of been my wake up call, when I woke up the next morning in a ton of pain and had to rush to get to work. It wasn't, I was 21 then, I'm 31 now. Not saying the party girl continued to rage for all those years after that, she did at times. But I did start to mellow down for periods at a time, and now almost completely.

I'm usually pretty introverted, I think and live inside my own mind a lot. I find now that I'm getting older and my past has finally caught up to my mind. I'm just living in a pressure cooker, wishing I had had some insight into present day, back when I was full of potential and the world was wide open with opportunities for me. Before the past's dirty little shadows started coming back to say you finally have to deal with us, you can't hide forever. It's really hard to breath, I know I just need to take control of my life, but it's like I just freeze up and the words, the actions, and thoughts just sit in my mind screaming you have to do this, you need to get your life on track, take care of business and move on. Start fresh and find your own happiness within.
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