Sunday, February 10, 2013
I keep trying to think of a title for this blog that doesn't allude to failure and, but this is hard because my inner monologue constantly reminds me of how many times I have restarted this journey.
A little background: I take a medication for anxiety which had promoted weight gain, but is not the sole reason for my current weight of 295 pounds. I have tried to stop using the medication in order to see if it made a difference in my weight gain, but it has become clear to me that I need the medication in order to keep my irrational thoughts in check.
This medication not only helps to keep a lid on my anxiety, but it also makes me rather complacent about eating right and exercising. The medicine basically calms me which in turn makes me lackadaisical about the things which I was previously very diligent.
So, this week I started seeing a weight management doctor again. This program worked very well for me in the past and I am excited to begin working with her again. I know that I started to fall off the wagon the last time I worked with her because as I was released to start incorporating my own meals, I took too much liberty with that privilege.
I have realized that the reason I am successful when starting out with the doctor is because I do EXACTLY what she tells me. I eat exactly what she prescribes. The next phase is where more work will be required from me. This time, I have realized that the next phase is just like the first - that I can only eat what is prescribed ("what is in the list").
I always thought that I would somehow get to this magical place where I didn't have to monitor what I ate, and I could just be "normal". But, as I start again, I realize that I will never be that imaginary person - and that there aren't likely that many people in that position. My life will consist of watching my weight, being diligent about my food and exercise, and caring for my body and mind on all levels.
I started to realize that taking care of my weight is just like someone who sees a doctor every month for a life-long medical condition. My weight management will be a lifelong project. I am not going to get to a place where I no longer have to be proactive with my nutrition and my exercise, and I accept this. I am ready to approach this next chapter in my life with a different attitude and a renewed sense of understanding of my individual, personal needs.
I have also realized how much of my life revolved around food. With my husband and I on different shifts, we started to resort to going out to eat as a way to "maximize" our time together. We thought that since we only have limited time to see each other, that we should do something "fun" during that time - but this "fun" always involved getting food at one point or another. Of course, during these times we would splurge; I was never making good food choices. At this point, I have told my husband that I will not be able to do this - that in order to change, I must conform to exactly what is needed. He has still asked if I can go out to eat "just for breakfast" and assumes that it won't make a big difference. I told him that at this point any deviation from my prescribed plan will derail me from my path. I know that right now he doesn't like it, but he will have to learn to live with it and learn to live with a wife who makes very different choices.
For a long time I have been waiting for this phantom "thing" (quote, picture, article, etc.) to change my perspective - I've been waiting for something to CLICK. Nothing that fantastic or unexpected has happened.
Maybe I am the change. Maybe it is happening right now.