Saturday, February 09, 2013
I have always liked myself. I liked who I am,and I would admit it out loud. However, know what I noticed? No matter how much I liked myself, there was always a "but!" Oh I like myself, but my hair is too thin...of course I like myself, but I hate my double chin...Thank you , I like me too, but I really dislike my big tummy...big thighs...thick calves...etc. I was always unhappy with something or another. While I should have given myself unconditional love and support, I was my worst enemy. I know so many people(not just people who are trying to lose or gain weight) who suffer from the same problem. This kind of goes with the " when 'This' happens, I'll be happy" paradigm.
Now, I have noticed lately that I am more self confident, more sure of myself and really, truly comfortable in my own skin. It has been very gradual, almost imperceptible. However I knew deep down something was up. I haven't been slouching as I try to make myself as inconspicuous as possible. I'm not fidgeting with my clothes trying to hide my tummy, I walk tall and have been smiling and laughing at work. I am much more able to be positive and contribute to my team and bosses. This sound strange, but I find myself caressing my belly, not ignoring and hiding from it.
These last couple of weeks have been very introspective for me. I have been processing a lot of new (for me) ideas and concepts, and rethinking old and oft times self-limiting ones. For the past few days I have noticed a subtle shift in my thinking and feeling. I have felt as if I was heading for something of great importance that would impact my whole life. Last night, very softly, very gently and with oh so much delight, I made a startling discovery!
I was getting ready for bed,changing into my pjs when I looked in the bathroom mirror. Instead of the cursory, usually dismissive glance at myself, I really looked myself over. My hair has gotten so long and a bit thicker, since the chemo, my eyes were not only smiling, they were sparkling! Aside from that nothing had physically changed; my belly is very large and round, my breast are heavy, my thighs very thick. In fact, I have not lost any weight after gaining again. Indeed, I am at my beginning weight from when I started SP in 2007. (I have lost weight but yoyoed until I reached this point . My body seems happy at the moment here, for it has not budged...but I digress)
What I have finally come to understand and realize is that I love myself...with no "buts!" I love my big belly, heavy breasts, and thick thighs! This is not to say that I don't want to lose weight, because I very much want to, however, if for some unknown reason I don't, I will still love me! Every inch, every pound, of me. I am a totally unique and exceptional individual! What I love about this, is that I am happy "NOW", just as I am. Being "Thinner" is not going to make me happier. Happiness and joy come from within, not outside sources. There is absolutely no guarantee that when and if I reach my "Ideal" weight, I'll be any happier than I am right this minute. Will I feel better physically, most assuredly; will I have more energy, you betcha; will I be able to do somethings that I can't at the moment, abso-freaking-loutely! But I am giddily, giggly, absolutely, head over heels happy right this minute! I have totally embraced who I am, how I look and my sparkly, shiny spirit.
I think my only question is why now? Why couldn't I have come this place when I was younger and had more time to enjoy it? Part of me believes I just wasn't ready, for whatever reason. Maybe I am entering into the the beginning of the "Crone" cycle of my life. Maybe everything I have learned and whatever wisdom I have accumulated during my journey, has coalesced into this bright awakening. I like that thought. What ever the reason it waited until now to happen, I am so grateful for it.
I feel my journey has changed course a bit and new adventures are awaiting me. Whatever the Universe has in store for me I look forward to it with an open heart and open arms!
May you find the happiness and joy within yourselves!
"There is always something to be happy about. Truly happy.
And if you have the audacity to find it and the courage to make it your focus, in spite of the countless temptations to dwell upon problems that don't really exist, you will have learned well, your life will be transformed, and all things will be added unto you.
"Notes from the Universe." from TUT.com (Mike Dooley)