Saturday, February 09, 2013
I have been seeing an URO/GYN doctor and she tried to do an endometrial biopsy but could not do it because of the position of my uterus. So she ordered an ultrasound which came back abnormal. Now they have to do a D&C and scrape everything out and test it for cancer cells. I am more afraid of the test than the big C word.
So I called up my counselor today and went to see her. I sure thought I had healed most of my childhood but it keeps creeping up. I know this sounds dumb but I had such severe brainwashing as a child, I honestly was petrified that when they looked inside my body (uterus) that they would see all the bad stuff I did (forced to do)
They made me believe that I had spiders, snakes, bugs and everything else inside my tummy. A little girl would believe this but not the adult me. I was so petrified that they would look inside me and see just how filthy and dirty I was, my secrets would be revealed. The weight won't hide my dirt anymore. They will see it ALL!!
So my therapist and I came up with this plan that when they scrape all the stuff out of my uterus, that they would be taking all the bad stuff too. All the lies, hurt, abuse, shame, guilt and all the pain. A new beginning for me. A cleansing of sorts. I WILL BE FREE!!
I no longer need to hide with my weight, hide behind the lies and shame and FEAR they instilled in me. THAT IS NOT THE REAL ME!!!!
I AM BEAUTIFUL, CLEAN, INNOCENT, PURE, LOVING, KIND, DID I SAY CLEAN!!!! YES, MAMA, I AM CLEAN INSIDE AND OUT, Or will be after the surgery. This is what I will center on instead of the fears they instilled in my heart.
I LOVE ME, INSIDE AND OUT, THE REAL ME, NOT THE ONE YOU TRIED TO MAKE ME INTO. THE LIGHT AND LOVE YOU TRIED SO HARD TO KILL!
Bless you Mama and Daddy, rest in peace, you have to live with what you did to me.
Thank you everyone, these are HUGE deep seated fears and shame inside. I know they are not there (spiders, snakes, bugs, people etc) but the little girl inside me is petrified they will see all the secrets of the cult. I know this needs to be done. I know it is a quick procedure for most but THIS IS ME! These are my secrets and my darkness inside me. I am not scared for the actual procedure, I am FROZEN and PETRIFIED that they will find out about all the secrets of the cult, all the secrets that was "DONE" to me that was drilled into my head "I DID".
This is a cleansing that I must have done. I am crying as I write this. I know it is not real (the lies) but have been told for the first 18 years of my life that I was dirty, filthy and deserved EVERYTHING I got/did.
I AM NOT CRAZY, I know it is impossible to see my past inside me accept maybe scars. But my past brainwashing is roared its head and the fear and shame of it all is eating me up. I have tried to hide this from everyone for the past 55 years. maybe mostly from me. Now I have to face it. My parents told me that if people found out what I did (FORCED TO DO) that nobody would want to be around me. They would lock me up or worse kill me. So embedded in my whole body.
I know they are all lies but you tell a little 3 or 4 year old that it is a lie from the parents you think are God. 18 years and even on into my adult hood they controlled me. They have been dead for over 20 years and still control me in fear.
I think this is what is blocking me from writing my book, that the fear of everybody hating me and getting locked up.
Maybe this is a hatred for my own self that is sticking it's head out. Not sure. I know no matter what it is, I will be ok, and I will survive it and I will heal from it.