Friday, February 08, 2013
This bothers me a lot and I don't feel like I have anyone I can talk to, so I'm venting a little.
I've suffered with extreme anxiety for years, gradually worsening as I age. It's the reason for most of my weight gain, due to emotional eating, fatigue, and fear of doing things around others, even fun things. I have the eating mostly under control now and I'm exercise at home, but I've just recently realized that I'm an adult and I can't work, go to school, or drive because I'm afraid to leave my house and get way too stressed easily.
My family extended family (Luckily not my parents.) think it's an excuse and that I just don't want to work, but it really isn't. I'd give anything to be "normal". I want to go to college, work, and have friends. As badly as I wan't it their solution to "Just get over it and do it anyway, we all have anxiety.", doesn't work for me. I'm sorry if I'm wrong, but I really doubt theirs is the same and I wish they could understand how I feel. I'm embarrassed to be around them because every time I am they ask me questions and tell me how I'm wasting my time and how much they were doing by the time they were my age. I know they care and they want to help and I'm very lucky to have a family who cares about my well-being, but I really wish they could understand.
I've tried work and school in the past and it didn't work out well. I worked at a grocery store as a cashier and I had a nervous breakdown at work, then quit because I was so embarrassed. I did work as a field merchandiser for a while and it was awesome. It stressed me out but I mainly worked alone and I enjoyed the work so I got through it. Can't find another job like that in my area though, and it's hard to get any job without a drivers license.
I tried to take the sat for college, to go online. I did excellent on practice tests but flunked the real one because I got so nervous. Not from the test, but being around the other people. I nearly threw up and I couldn't hold the pencil straight for shaking. I did make it through the test, but needless to say it wasn't a pretty score.
As it is now just going out period makes me extremely depressed because everything bothers me. Talking to people, being around others, and when I do make a mistake I dwell on it forever. There are some things I'm still embarrassed about from years ago. Seeing a doctor isn't an option right now because I have no insurance.
Recently I've tried writing professionally from home. It works out ok but I get nervous about it sometimes, mostly get writers block from it or get distracted by being at home. If I could do it I've thought about going to the library to write, almost like going to a job and seeing if that would help.
I really wish I could just be normal though. I need to get into college fast because I'm wasting my time sitting here doing nothing. To accommodate my anxiety I need to do it a little differently, that costs money to pay up front. You pay then get the money back in financial aid after the semester begins. Plus I wanted to take some Clep tests to catch up faster, if I could get through the tests, but those are 100 dollars a pop. Although it'd save a lot in the long run it's still expensive when you can't work.
I'm just SOL sometimes. It's causing major stress and depression lately. Two weeks last month were spent in the pits due to it. I'm going to keep trying. Pouring over job listings, trying to figure out how I can do something. I'm tired of sitting in this small town waiting for it to be better, because it's never going to be.