Friday, February 08, 2013
So I got a LOVELY surprise on the scale this morning, for the first time ever I saw a number in the two-teens!
The reason I have never seen a number in the teens is, in 2005 I made a HUGE mistake.
I had worked for WW for years and I started finding it a BIG strain to maintain my weight. Every month I would try every trick in the book to get my weight to drop back down to goal...drinking lots of water, eating no sodium, weighing every outfit I owned so I only wore the lightest clothes, all just to avoid seeing my TRUE weight on the scale. For about a year I managed to jerry-rig my weight back down to goal on my weigh in day, but it was not sustainable. So I did it. I made my huge mistake.
I broke up with my scale.
I also broke up with WW at this time, although I feel that was a healthy breakup. It was causing me too much stress and I needed to work on ME, to work on the reasons that the scale was creeping up. But what did I do?
and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and then?
I got pregnant.
and I saw a midwife, who did not require weigh ins.
I went from a size medium the year before to an XXL at the end of pregnancy. After my son was born I wore my maternity clothes for a year before I realised I had to buy REAL clothes.
and none of the clothes in the regular stores fit. I was humiliated. I started buying 20s and 22s, but only in places like Walmart. I would dash around the plus section of the store, hoping no one would see me. I'm not sure what I was embarrassed about, I mean good lord, anyone could see that I was fat. It just seemed like going into a dedicated PLUS store would make it real. I decided that the sizes on the clothes must be wrong. and I just had to wear them because I had a baby belly.
I looked nine months pregnant. I was just fat.
About a year after my son was born I decided to face my weight. And the weight I saw was exactly 100 pounds over my WW goal weight. It had only been about 2.5 years.
100 pounds in 2.5 years.
I began my battle. I worked hard and lost about 25 pounds. This pattern would repeat itself for years. I had two additional babies, but luckily didn't gain with them. I maintained about 10 pounds off my highest weight but the remainder of my gain? I gained and lost the same 20 pounds for years.
This year I made a choice. This was my FINAL loss. If I couldn't do it on my own, I would seek medical help. I quit smoking first, because having ANY addiction for me makes kicking another addiction harder. I bought exercise equipment for my "NO EXCUSES" garage gym.
On November 12th 2013 I began my final push. I exercised six days a week, and I ate within my ranges. I didn't weigh at first but then I realised what not weighing had done before and I am NOT willing to let that happen again.
So there we have it, and here I am, seeing a number in the teens for the first time. It is a bit scary! This body has been through a war and I truly believe I will get to goal this time. The problem is, I don't know what is waiting for me there. The unknown is scary. The fear of failure is scary. ALL of this is scary. 219, is scary.
But if I reject success the alternative may be comfortable, but it is not happy. So forward I go.
Ok, end rambles....