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    TOMCAT623   1,920
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The Wheel

Friday, February 08, 2013

When I was a kid, diets were common in my household. It was mainly my mother, at least, at the beginning. She was big into WeightWatchers. Now, weightwatchers is a fine program, and it really works. It has a very similar structure to SparkPeople, only it offers live meetings and weigh ins to encourage progress. When I was younger I was about 130lbs at 5'2", and even though I was under 18 my mom let me do WeightWatchers with her. But highschool was tough and I lacked the patience to really dedicate myself to the program.

In college I tried again, and I successfully dropped 17lbs. I was 140 at 5'2", but I also utilized the campus gym so I was actually a fairly fit 140. My success was due to a variety of factors. I had limited funds so I couldn't always afford lots of extra snacks. Running errands to get food required parking in a far away lot, walking to the dorm, and walking up 4 flights of stairs, so I would usually decide I wasnt *that* hungry if there was no food in the fridge. I walked absolutely everywhere. On days when I went to the gym, I had to walk there and, after my workout, trudge back and again, up those 4 flights of stairs. I wasn't working very much either, and television bored me. My dorm room bored me. So whenever I wasn't in class it was easy to walk to the gym and work out. I also had the motivation of finding a significant other.

It was the age where my self-esteem began to flourish. In highschool, my mom had always picked at my weight, always in the guise of 'my bes interest' of course. But it was incessant. I always felt like a blob when I'd go to school. In college I was free from any nitpicking. I was in complete control. I ended up meeting a guy who was into a lot of drugs. I wanted him, not necessarily because he was a good guy, but because he was hot and all the other girls wanted him. It was a self esteem excercise. A game. It made working out easier because it was competitive. I got into drugs a little bit, and underage drinking. It was at the very beginning of this road when I got a facebook message from a guy I used to date in highschool that completely shook up my world.

His message intimated that, after we broke up, he went down a bad path and ended up in prison. He had just been released and he had to contact me. On his hardest days of soul searching trying to find where his life went wrong, he traced it back to me. He said if he had just stayed with a nice girl like me, he wouldn't have been tempted into this road. It was the girl after me, the purest gold-digger, that had started him down the road. I remembered him from high school. He had been such a sweet boy. And me, being not in my smartest frame of mind, went to go visit him. I know it seems dumb, trading the drug dealer for the former convict, but the difference was- the former convict was working very hard to turn his life around. He studied computers now. He was focussed.

One night I invited him to a party, and he agreed to go. While I frolicked in the drugs and alcohol he remained 100% sober in order to drive me home. That was what shook me out of my stupor. That was when I realized I'd been looking for love in the wrong place. That was when his and my relationship started.

It was fantastic. I was so infatuated. We were such a cute couple. I at my cute weight, and him with his prison body. But then, in order to stay together, we moved in together. But we were poor, so the apartment was in a bad area. It was here that adult life began... and it was here where we both started to pack on the pounds.

Now, due to a series of circumstances, we live in a nice house, in a nice neighborhood, close to my parents. My husband has a good job, and I'm on the path to becoming a nurse. But the weight is still here. And things haven't gotten better. Cheap convenience foods are still the issue. He's working hard, and I'm working and in school. Add hobbies and dates on top of that, and it's difficult to eat well. For all the nitpicking, my mom used to make a variety of food, with vegetables and good healthy choices. Now... I'm the person in charge of the meals, and I feel like the nutrition isn't where it should be. Our weight certainly isn't where it should be.

I tried WeightWatchers again, but it didn't work. My problem now is that I know what proper nutrition is. I know what I should be doing. But I don't do it. I love the fatty foods. I have difficulty with willpower. And I stress eat. And the stress is ever present because I am the adult now. I'm the one worrying about work, and bills, and school, and dinner, and laundry, and chores, and grocery shopping.

So now, that's why we're here. I'm hoping if I start blogging, I can regain some of my focus and willpower. That I can alleviate some of the stress and get it out. That I can actually commit to this. So here it goes!
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