Friday, February 08, 2013
Continually finding myself back on Sparkpeople wondering when it all went wrong.
Smoked a cigarette last night on my porch, thinking about how different my life is now.
I hate my job so much, but I faithfully go and I even smile.
I was thinking about it a few days ago, about working retail, and about how much of my daily energy and thoughts are devoted to hating my job and how the rest of it goes towards pretending I don't. Seriously, when someone comes up to me and I smile and ask, "How are you doing today? Do you need any help finding anything?" the majority of my brain is working towards stopping my outward body signs from exposing how utterly miserable I am.
When customers come in whining about the discount they think they deserve on already discounted useless dust-collecting products and I smile and console them while bringing over the manager that I know is too busy for this bull just so they can take off that 10% and give them their way.... I sometimes have no hope for humanity.
I hate everything we sell, because none of it is necessary.
I hate people, too, and so I've smoked a few cigarettes this month. You know why? Because they don't make 1 packs of cigarettes. Naw, you can't just buy the ONE you wanted that one day. And it's been a godsend.
Because ya'll know I'm an alcoholic! And if I weren't smoking I'd be drinking. And I've already got enough misdemeanors under my belt, and... it turns out "sometimes a little bit of what's bad for you turns out to be a little bit good for you"
in the end.
Because I work hard, and then my coworkers go and take their break and they take an extra 10 or 15 minutes just because and I miss my break because I'm actually trying to do a good job. And the schedule is screwed, because we don't make enough money in this location (in the ghetto basically) to afford to pay our own employees. So I'm working at the register at the same time the time is ticking by on a relay that was supposed to be done yesterday and then someone's like "ohh cecilia you need to cover frame shop" and it's like, I can only be stretched in so many directions at once!!
And I worked out today
For 15 minutes.
Hooray for me.
But seriously my life is not going the direction I wish it could go. And part of me knows that it's not going to change without effort on my part, but at the same time I am trying to save up money, and I know that the steady hours are good even though I'm slowly being driven insane. And I hate everything. But you know, sometimes I look back at my old journals and stuff and I think I've always hated everything.
Happiness is not something I've ever really been buddy buddy with. My life is... Fear and Loathing. Which is, yes, half of a book/movie title but very accurate. This is bat country.
Fear and loathing.
That sums me up.
You know how Microsoft Word underlines your spelling errors?
Maybe if Sparkpeople is going to tell me I can't use profanity they can do the same thing to make sure I freakin get them all.