Thursday, 2/7 Help, I'm losing myself...
Thursday, February 07, 2013
I cannot think much at this point and I am terribly grumpy. I don't much understand why I feel like this, but a lot of pain takes over and thinks and acts for me. I want to come back and I want to do it soon. I have things to do and I have things I don't want to do. If I think about it too much, I feel overwhelmed by the enormity of the pain and I want to cry about not being able to handle it and because it hurts everywhere. This is unbelievable and I don't care what anyone wants to call it, it is WRONG.
My skin hurts. The area around my upper left arm is aching and throbbing. My right knee is throbbing and the pain is sharp. My inner hip area is also aching. I am tired and I have a headache. My feet are tired and my right ankle and thigh are aching. My back started hurting around 10:30 (right after our earthquake drill. I refused to crawl under the table!! Hmm, I'd still be there because I couldn't get out.) My back shifted into aching with two burning areas, one on each side of my spine. My left shoulder is throbbing around the joint. This is too much pain, my friends.
I left work at 6:45 and went straight to the pool. I spent most of my time walking in the water and doing my stretching and endurance exercises, lot of kicking and stretching. Just before I left, I checked my work emails. There was one that offended me a great deal and I couldn't NOT respond to it. It was the meeting notes from yesterday. I had taken the second revision of my schedule to one of the groups of teachers whose children were getting the majority of my time and asked for them to help me fix it. In their meeting evaluation, under the cons, it said that I was frustrated with my schedule. "We feel your pain. However we would like to have the schedule completed so our kids can get the service they need and we can get our schedules going." I was so hurt by these words.
They feel my pain... Hmm, all they did with the schedule I asked for their help with was to circle the problems and give it back to me. The reason I had a problem at all is because 4 out of the 6 of them teach math at the same time for well over an hour and a half and I cannot use the bulk of the afternoon for their kids. I was trying to put the first grade children in the morning because I have longer blocks of time for lessons then and because we lose the afternoons one day a week because of early dismissal days. I was trying to make things as good as I could for meeting the children's needs.
Anyway, I wrote a very nasty response and deleted it. (Personal form of therapy, lol) Then I wrote another somewhat nasty response and deleted it. Finally, I wrote a more controlled response and let them know that they offended me and that I was trying to do the best for my kids that I could. I also pointed out that I serve more children than anyone else in my role and that we have the only school in which kindergarten kids get service and have an intervention under their belts before they even get to first grade. (That helps us to be able to get kids special help if they need it!) I told them that I do my best and that it was cruel for them to write such a thing, they know nothing about my pain.
Did I over-react because of my pain and fatigue? Was I out of line? I have far too much on my mind to be treated in such a nasty way by the people who are benefiting the most from my work next to the children themselves, of course. They cause me the problems and then poke fun at me before they act like I am causing them trouble??? I was offended to the nth degree. There was no reason for them to do that or say that or anything.
Anyway, it all comes back to the fact that I am hurting. They added in some emotional hurt to the physical hurt. I am also too tired from working these 10 plus hour days and trying to sort out a lot of nonsense that is all around me. I am worried about my kids right now and I simply want to do the best work I can do. Anytime someone adds in stress in any way isn't right. Their words--"We can feel your pain..." just insult me and go through my head over and over. I think if any of them had an ounce of sensitivity in their beings that they wouldn't say anything like that about me in such a public way. Of course, there is always the possibility that I am over-reacting, so I am going to let you all share your thoughts.
As for me, I haven't done much sparking--so I'm off to do that now. Take care of yourself and keep on being as kind and thoughtful as you are! You are all so caring and kind--and awesome!!