Thursday, February 07, 2013
I woke up today feeling okay I guess. Was really tired and kinda blah, but that's normal--I am NOT a morning person. The day kept going and I felt a sense of being "down" but no real reason for it. A couple hours ago this resulted in me on the couch bawling.
I really have no idea why I feel this way. I have a strong urge to eat cake and ice cream and french fries. I really really really want to go to In-N-Out right now. (I really really really wanna zigazig ah *cough*)
But honestly, things are going pretty well. I've been stressed about work because I've been behind--but I'm almost caught up! If I finish what I'm supposed to today (I better!) I'll be caught up and have two really light weeks of work coming up.
I've been disappointed in myself because I haven't been tracking my calories recently. I haven't tracked them since the day someone mentioned looking through it. I tried finding how to make them private but can't. I think it's one of those mental conditioning things of, "It's okay if I know I'm not perfect, but I can't let other people see that." I need to get over that and track my food daily, I know.
So I'm sitting there crying on the couch and boyfriend asks if it's because I'm sad his dad died. (We had been discussing financial plans based on life insurace.) That made me feel even WORSE because sure, I'm sad that he died... but I never met the guy... and I feel guilty that I'm just generally NUMB to people lately.
The other big factor is... I'm a very social person. I love being around people. Sure, I've never fit in with all of the "normal" people, but I have always been able to relate and hang out with just about anybody I want. Because of moving around and the "at-home-nobody-around" nature of my work... I really don't have much of a social life. But, if I get this volunteering job I'm applying for, that should improve too!
I have a lot of good things going on, I think. I'll be able to afford to go to the dentist soon. I'll be able to go volunteer which I'm thinking will be a lot of fun and really fulfilling (tutoring at-risk kids is kind of my specialty). I'm losing weight & might even fit into an 18 now--I'm going to go try on pants at Old Navy after my next pay check. If I don't fit, I'll know how close I am, but my 20's are falling off of me.
But despite all of these positive things, I am randomly crying and feeling sad. Don't get it. Not hormonal or anything. My honest best guess... is a combination of having been in pain for an extended period of time combined with digging up the whole past stuff this past week or so. My knees & ankles have been hurting from this bursitis stuff--more since I've STOPPED exercising, honestly... and combine that with a NASTY cat scratch on my upper thigh and I'm constantly just feeling some sort of minor pain.
Oh well. Maybe I'll make a chocolate protein powder & banana smoothie to satisfy my sweet tooth.