Thursday, February 07, 2013
ummmm I have no idea really. I have realized that my reasons for doing a lot of things are driven by others.
I started school right out of high school because that is what you do. At 18 years old you are supposed to know how to spend the next 50-70 years of your life. BAHhahahaha really!?? Maybe some kids are that passionate about something that it works. Not for me. I thought I wanted to be a teacher ... a special education teacher. Looking back I am not sure that was what I wanted. I am certain that I would not be happy in that profession. PLEASE I have nothing against the profession or anyone in it. In fact I applaud teachers (of any kind). I have learned that I just don't have patience. You need so much of that in order to be worthy as a teacher.
Any way, I dropped out of college for a while (fast flash of several years... got married then got pregnant, hello Peanut, then got divorced). I worked my way to a position with a company that had a reimbursement plan for school. I thought I should get a degree so I can provide for Peanut. You know not struggle provide but just provide and be there for her. So I went to HR of that co, said "if I want to get ahead in the company with out going into management, what kind of degree do I need?". They said accounting or marketing. I went to the school, I changed my major to marketing (I am not a bean counter - no offence intended just not a math gal) and signed up for marketing classes. I bought my books and went home. I then pulled out the dictionary, looked up marketing to see what I got myself into. Now lucky for me it should work out for something.
I have gone to school and dropped out many times... Now, 20 years later I have one class left. I sometimes question why I am even finishing. My plan was to graduate, transfer from the warehouse to a store as a manager and then figure it out from there. What am I thinking? Sure management looks good on a resume but really!?? the one thing I have been avoiding all my life because I know it's not for me. That is the job I want to get stuck in?!! at least where I am at I am content. Sure I have days that totally stress me out but who doesn't? It surely isn't the money. I have provided for Peanut with out my degree so who cares now? Shouldn't I be focusing on what makes me happy? Find that job that will pay the bills but I look forward to everyday?
Funny thing is Peanut and I were out eating breakfast yesterday at a small mom/pop diner and she said she could see me being happy working in a place like that... you know cheers with out the cameras or alcohol. Supper funny thing is I was thinking that myself. I have worked in little diners/delis/coffee shops and those are some of my favorite places. Yes I had days where I wanted to call off and play hooky but most of the time I enjoyed it. I looked forward to going.
So in my conversation with Peanut I told her that I was trying very hard to be understanding of her and her ideas of school. For anyone who has been reading my blogs knows that she has never been academically driven. She just doesn't understand the point of it ... especially the part of turning in daily assignments when she can pass the tests no problem. I am encouraging her to at least graduate high school. If she wants to go to college I will support her, if not ok. I will support her in what ever. I think I want her to be happy more than anything. I just want her to be able to live comfortably ... a roof over her head in a safe neighborhood, healthy food on the table, and the ability to afford a few things (like her art supplies ... especially since that is how she plans to support herself).
So also, in this conversation - she asked why I was bothering with school if all it does is put me in debt and frustrate me... only answer I had was at first it was to support you.. now a list of others that want me to. What a horrible reason to do anything. I was expressing this to a friend at work and they said ... don't worry about them. As I started to try and reason why I should I stopped, sighed and stopped. I realized in that small moment that they were right. I am sure others along the way have told me the same thing but for some reason I was ready to listen at that moment.
Anyway. I think while I prepare to finish school ... cuz let's face it I have one class left - why not.
Anyway. I think while I prepare to finish school I am going to try and focus on what I want to be when I grow up. For 17 years I have been setting myself aside. I am not even sure what my hobbies are any more... I mean I have a few things that I enjoy but what else is there. I hate to say I need to find myself but I think I might.
Anyway I needed to get that off my mind. Thanks for "listening".
Any way LOL - One last thought ... I need to stop saying anyway in my blog LOL