Disappointed and Afraid
Thursday, February 07, 2013
I'm having a hell of a time getting out of bed to exercise. Does it feel good after i've done it and am up and ready to face the very long day when I do? Yes. Do I feel less guilt and pressure because I've already worked out and have the OPTION to do more after work if I miraculously have time? Yes. Shouldn't that be enough to get me out of bed when I'm cold, exhausted and not feeling top notch? Apparently not.
I don't want to finish another year being fat. I know I'm wasting time and screwing myself out of happiness by making these choices. But quite frankly, I'm exhausted and haven't been in a very good mood lately and not feeling all that well (TOM is creeping up and making me feel icky.) Couple that with my baffling inability to lose an ounce and my failure at stying in my calorie range because I can't seem to make the right decisions at the end of the day to save my life and voila, more failure.
I'm confused as to why, even when I eat healthy and workout the way I should for the length of time I should, I don't see any changes, or worse I see a gain, but when I eat like crap and don't exercise for a weekend, I lose. I'm tryin to learn about how muscles and weight loss works and I know a lot of the gain is probably water and I may be building muscle faster than losing fat but it's still discouraging.
And in all of this, I know what I need to do. I need to eat no less and no more than 1,400 calories since that seems to be my sweet spot (at least in the past) and I need to get my butt out of bed in the morning to guarantee at least one 300 calorie workout and try to fit in another 200 calorie workout later in the day (because my body only seems to respond to 500 calorie workouts) and just buckle down and do it.
I know all of these things and I also know that I am not comfortable in my own skin, I cringe when my boyfriend touches my gross stomach and thighs and I KNOW I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to not be ashamed and feel fat and ugly. I know I need to do all of the above to change that. It's just so damn hard when you doubt yourself after years of failure, you doubt the science of weight loss because it seems to be very flawed and you doubt your body's ability to get with the program because it fights you every single step of the way and makes you feel icky the whole time.
But I will keep going. I can't stop this time. Even if I fall flat on my face, as I have done several times this last month, I have to keep trying. I have to succeed. I can't fail myself again.