Thursday, February 07, 2013
Well - if anyone out there ever needs additional motivation to keep on trucking with your SP plan, go get a new driver's license picture taken.
I finally got around to doing that yesterday. I've been needing to get the address and last name change now since June and of course the DMV makes it really easy. After assembling approximately 14,248 documents to prove that I was actually born in the US, making 3 separate trips 20 miles from home with various bills with my new name, and 1 evacuation for a fire alarm, the staff at the DMV apparently became bored with harassing me, moved on to some other poor sap, and allowed me to actually get a new license.
There I was - actually AT the counter with information being entered into a computer (I'd never gotten this far in my previous attempts so I was pumped!) - and was told to pay $26.50 for the new license. YES!!!! Success!! Wahooo!!!!
The clerk (and to not offend anyone I have not called him "the emotionless drone who sounds a little too much like Eyor") then told me to move over to the blue wall.
"Blue wall? Why?"
"Be...cause ... ma'am... you...need...a...pic...ture...
Ah. So they were not quite done harassing me. And wait a minute - this isn't fair. When my husband had to change his address, all they did was add a little sticker. Why do I need to get a whole new license? Why wasn't that on the website? Crap. I have my hair pulled back in a pony tail and no make-up on today.
Oh - I'm betting THAT is why they want to take the picture.
So over to the blue wall and I 'sit' down on a chair that looks like it doubles as a petrie dish it has so many stains on it. Ew.
And I wait. And wait. And wait some more for them to take the picture.
Hmmm - this is taking a while.
I wonder how long this will take?
OK - this is getting annoy - SNAP - ing.
Crap. Somehow they have this thing on a timer which has been scientifically calibrated to coincide with the exact amount of time it takes for a human being to register the first sign of impatience/annoyance/anger on their face.
And then he presents the temporary license to me, telling me the permanent one will come in the mail, and as soon as I see the picture and cringe - he says "congratulations." Or - con...grat...u...la...tions.
Congratulations? On what? Taking the worse driver's license picture of the decade? Of providing them with this year's fodder for the Christmas Party? (I have this theory that someone assembles a montage of the worst photos taken that year and they play it at the annual DMV Christmas Party and this year looks like I will be the winner.)
So how bad is it? Bad. Horrible even. I look like I'm 100 pounds heavier than I actually am, bald, and angry. Somehow they managed to make me have jowls. Jowls. There's a word a woman wants to use to describe herself.
Now - Joe and I have been together for 2 years and not once had he ever been allowed to look at my drivers license because it was so bad. Female store and bank clerks have always completely understood and would pass it back to me face side down. When I told him that they gave me a new one and it makes the old one look like a fashion shot, he asked to see them both. Because the new one is so bad it is actually hilarious, I showed him. He looked at the old one and said -"its not that bad - you just look a little surprised."
Then I showed him the new one and he all he said was - "oh."
I started laughing and said - "now you see why I never get my picture taken - I am the most unphotogenic person on the planet. I look like an old, bald, angry man."
Sensing it would be ok to laugh - he started and said he thinks the turtleneck I was wearing was part of the problem - making me look like a floating head. He said I had no neck.
I replied - "like an angry turtle?"
And here is where things got even worse.
"No - like Jabba the Hut in Star Wars."
Wait a minute - did he just compare me to a mass of drooling blubber with a gross tongue? OK - that's not funny. Immediately sensing that he had entered shark infested waters (and possibly because I started to show the face similar to the one on the license) he tried to back peddle and ended up with just an "Uh-oh."
So unless the DMV people take pity on me - I'm stuck with this gem for 5 years. Even if I 'lose' it - all they will do is print it up again because it is all computerized.
I have to figure something out - angry turtle is one thing, but Jabba the Hut?
Yup - I am Mrs. Oregon's 2013 worst DMV photo winner. I'm ready to move on to the national competition.