that after LAST week, this week would be "a breeze". But truth to tell, in many of us, the "BIG" things we gear up for, and are strong, and the let down comes later. So, with my son's return (joyous) and my sister in law's funeral (sad, but closure) over with, I was hoping for a quiet "let down" week.
It has been far from quiet. The big project kicked off (blog entry Tuesday). One of the "favors" I did for someone blew up in my face. It's like I was starting to take the armor off and somebody yelled "Incoming!" Back into high stress mode.
And my emotional response was "ANGRY". "Not fair!" "I'm supposed to get a break from stress for a bit, OK, God?" I've run on the treadmill, stuck to my training plan, and still, the least little thing brings it back. I've tried to remember to breathe. My pep talk helped, but it has not completely dissipated. An apology from the party who blew up on me over the favor helped quite a bit. Two people stepping in to fix the discrepancy, even more.
Used to be, in the "bad old days" of my heaviest... I'd get mad at the boss at work, go home and devour a full bag of chips, a pound tub of sour cream dip, and 2 liters of diet soda... all to put the anger to rest. Only it never did put the anger to rest. Just changed it into self-anger at my eating behavior and the results on the scale.
This week, so far, I have succeeded in avoiding THAT response. But I'm still working out how to deal with the anger, the fear of "losing it" in an inappropriate way, and the fear of failure to do what I expect of myself... which is, pull off miracles at work.
Sounds pretty unrealistic and silly when I put it down in writing. Nobody does miracles. We take risks, we get lucky, but we aren't doing miracles. We're prioritizing. It's not a miracle when it works. The fear is that it is just not achievable.
This morning, I am taking time to recognize I've done pretty well with talking myself out of the urges to soothe with food. I've said "no" to some things, and substituted healthier comfort food (the cabbage last night).
I still don't like feeling angry. I doesn't feel like the me I want to be. But I have accepted that there are times when angry gets things done. It gets people out of my face when I use my words and not the food: when I actually tell someone I'm angry and why... it's better.
So, my friends... LIFE is good. Stress is a part of it. Mouths are to be used (intelligently) for more than eating. Brains are to be engaged. We can do this. Just for today.