Wednesday, February 06, 2013
Sadder than sad.... Can't remember the rest of the words, but think it is about a break up and that is not my deal. I apologize in advance. I feel like such a whiner. I really am a happy person, but I am so struggling here lately. It comes and it goes, but when it comes it digs its claws in very deep!
Was I wrong? I asked my dad to take me to pick out Valentine's cards for my husband. He's helped me pick out cards before and it seemed natural to ask and now I wonder if I was wrong. Maybe it will make him miss my mom more? He was always such the romantic on Valentine's Day. He would buy her flowers and some type of gift and beautiful cards, but even better he would cook her a wonderful gourmet meal. I am crying and crying as I type this. He's a man, so he doesn't show his emotions often, but he must feel so sad and so alone. I know I do. Is that wrong? My mom was no spring chicken. She had health problems. I'm an adult and don't "need" her, but OMG! I am so lost.
I just found out too that a Spark Friend is dying. The doctor gave her 3 to 6 months, but who knows and who will let her friends here on SP know? This woman, like my mom, has the faith of a billion Christians. Her faith never failed and neither did my mom's, but they get a death sentance.
Yeah, I know life isn't fair. I guess I know that better than most, but I want it to be fair to someone for at least 1 day!
I do get obsessed about my fitness minutes and my weight and really, what is that stuff in the grand scheme? Sometimes I think I focus and worry on stuff like that to keep me from pondering life's tragedies. I promise, I'm not one to focus on the bad, but that is all I seem to be doing. Not out loud. Not complaining to anyone. Just inside me. And, I hurt so badly.
Speaking of pain, my shoulder hurts. Bad too. What if.... I know better than to what if too, but I hurt. I hurt. I hurt. I hurt!
It seems like my meds should be working by now. I know about grief and I know there is no time limit, but it seems like maybe I should be feeling somewhat better than I do.
On top of all this sadness I gained weight too. Blah!
It is hard for me to even focus on my gratitude, but I'm going to cry for 10 more minutes then count my blessings. I can't function like this. BTW, I am proud to say at least I got some work done today. Don't know how, but I did it!