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Bluer Than Blue...

Wednesday, February 06, 2013

Sadder than sad.... Can't remember the rest of the words, but think it is about a break up and that is not my deal. I apologize in advance. I feel like such a whiner. I really am a happy person, but I am so struggling here lately. It comes and it goes, but when it comes it digs its claws in very deep!

Was I wrong? I asked my dad to take me to pick out Valentine's cards for my husband. He's helped me pick out cards before and it seemed natural to ask and now I wonder if I was wrong. Maybe it will make him miss my mom more? He was always such the romantic on Valentine's Day. He would buy her flowers and some type of gift and beautiful cards, but even better he would cook her a wonderful gourmet meal. I am crying and crying as I type this. He's a man, so he doesn't show his emotions often, but he must feel so sad and so alone. I know I do. Is that wrong? My mom was no spring chicken. She had health problems. I'm an adult and don't "need" her, but OMG! I am so lost.

I just found out too that a Spark Friend is dying. The doctor gave her 3 to 6 months, but who knows and who will let her friends here on SP know? This woman, like my mom, has the faith of a billion Christians. Her faith never failed and neither did my mom's, but they get a death sentance.

Yeah, I know life isn't fair. I guess I know that better than most, but I want it to be fair to someone for at least 1 day!

I do get obsessed about my fitness minutes and my weight and really, what is that stuff in the grand scheme? Sometimes I think I focus and worry on stuff like that to keep me from pondering life's tragedies. I promise, I'm not one to focus on the bad, but that is all I seem to be doing. Not out loud. Not complaining to anyone. Just inside me. And, I hurt so badly.

Speaking of pain, my shoulder hurts. Bad too. What if.... I know better than to what if too, but I hurt. I hurt. I hurt. I hurt!

It seems like my meds should be working by now. I know about grief and I know there is no time limit, but it seems like maybe I should be feeling somewhat better than I do.

On top of all this sadness I gained weight too. Blah!

It is hard for me to even focus on my gratitude, but I'm going to cry for 10 more minutes then count my blessings. I can't function like this. BTW, I am proud to say at least I got some work done today. Don't know how, but I did it!
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  • DANLIN60
    Melissa, I already told you how this is such a sad month for me also so I know how you feel. I agree. Spend some special time with Dad for Valentine's day; it will do both of you some good.

    Know that I am sending you huge hugs Melissa and lots of love. Thinking of you daily.














    1436 days ago
    It's normal for you to be bluer than blue. I only wish I could do more than pray for you!
    1438 days ago
    I'm useless with words but I just want to send you some virtual hugs and let you know that I am thinking of you. emoticon
    1439 days ago
    Oh sweetie, no--you were not wrong to ask your dad to help you with a Valentine's Day card. I think he will appreciate being able to help you and to spend time with you. How about sending him flowers or a gift, or sharing dinner with him on Valentine's Day? You and he can share special memories of past Valentine's Days with your mom, and he won't be alone.

    I'm so sorry to hear about your Spark friend. Unfortunately, God doesn't discriminate when calling his children home. I know I went through this when my dad died...why did God take him from me, when I loved and needed him so much; why not take the "bad" people? It comforts me know to remember that God has a plan for all of us, and when He calls us home, it's because He needs us. Maybe your mom was called to Heaven to help comfort the 26 children and staff from Sandy Hook that were called shortly after her death.

    I wish I could say something to fix this. Even more, I wish I could take all your pain on, so that you feel better. I won't say that time heals; it doesn't really. What it does is help us forget the pain a little bit each day, and help us to begin to recall the happy memories and funny stories that get us through the difficult times.

    No matter how dark everyting seems, there is always, ALWAYS, something for which to be grateful. I'm grateful you are my special friend.

    You are always in my thoughts. Please let me know how I can help you.

    1439 days ago
  • CIPHER1971
    emoticon I hope you find a light for your dark times
    1439 days ago
    Melissa, it's okay to feel sad about your mom at times. This year will be tough as you face all the firsts after her passing. Floods of emotions are bound to happen.
    I too think that your dad would be glad to help you. He has the stability of an event you have shared in the past and if you hadn't asked him it would have been another change for him to face. I would suggest planning some time with your dad to celebrate your mom's memory. He may not want to share his emotions but I am sure he would appreciate you talking about her memory and sharing in how you miss her.
    May you have a good night's sleep so you can face a new day in the morning.
    1439 days ago
    Oh sweetie, I don't even know where to start or what to say. Here's a giant hug for you, for your dad, and for your sparkfriend. Cry until you can't cry anymore, and know that you're not alone in this. emoticon
    1440 days ago
    Sorry to hear about the loss of your mom. I am sure it is very tough and hard. But try to remember the happy moments you shared with her. It is okay to let the tears flow because it is healing.

    1440 days ago
    Tears are healing - so let them flow Melissa. Hugs!
    1440 days ago
    When you love someone, like your Mom, you don't just get over it. There will always be something she did or said that will make you think of her, and smile.
    Your Dad will be glad to help you, and it may help it through this Valentine's Day Invite him over, do something special for him & both of you will share in the love.
    We don't mind if you whine, it is so much better than holding it in, and getting more depressed with yourself.
    So sorry to hear about your Sparkfriend too. God works in mysterious ways, as you know.
    He has a plan for all of us.
    I pray that your days get better, and the sunshine starts shining into your life. Until then, hug your faithful friend, Jack & you will feel better. emoticon

    1440 days ago
    I am so sorry for you AND your dad...the first year after the death of someone we love is forever the toughest...the first Christmas without them, the first New Years without them, and then this is the first Valentine's...I'm sure your dad's heart is breaking all over again just like yours. But you have each other. Love him...spend time with him telling each other sweet memories of your mom. Celebrate her life! He may not be able to express his emotions, but I bet he sure wouldn't mind smiling at a few of the memories.
    May God's peace fill you and may He use you to comfort your dad. emoticon
    1440 days ago
    Honey, I am so sorry you are going through all this. Loosing your mom is really a difficult thing. You are going to get through all of this. Whine all you want, get it out. Please let me know what I can do.
    1440 days ago
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