Here I am again! managing to do a little more than just track.
I had a great workout and a 2 great realizations today (not bad, right?):
workout = all my PT strength exercises (all core stuff for my back and hip, my core is getting stronger than ever!)
Realization #1: I was reading about 2 local Spark friends who went rock climbing last weekend. This is something I've really been wanting to do, and I was both jealous and newly interested in pursuing it. Only later did I realize that my negative voice, unbeknownst to me, had this to say (it is just so under the radar that I thought all of this without realizing I was thinking it!):
"well you can go rock climbing, but NOT with Jamie (a Sparkfriend I've gotten together with a few times), because she has done so much better than you, she's now way skinnier than you, and a lot stronger than you, so you would, at least you SHOULD, be ashamed to try to do something like that in front of her. She will look good and strong and you will look fat, pathetic, and ridiculous. So go rock climbing, but NOT with her!" I should point out that Jamie is really the sweetest, kindest, least judgmental person you would EVERY meet. For real, these thoughts have NO basis in reality!
Then today I realized that I have gone rock climbing before in my life, when I weighed almost 300 pounds, didn't know what I was doing, with a bunch of people who had never been overweight and were skinny and active since birth. At that point in my life I did all kinds of physically challenging and new things (with trepidation, but still). So why, 80 pounds lighter would I be all, "I'm not good enough". I'm stronger than ever. And lighter than almost ever.
It was good to realize again that my negative voice is tricky and sneaky and ever-pervasive. It lurks and waits to grab, and it's had a lot to grab in the past year. Gaining back 15 to 20 pounds has been hard on my esteem! But realizing this makes me want to kick the *ss of my negative voice. So it's time for daily pep talks, beginning today!
Realization #2: A long time ago I did a fast for Ramadan (as a means of being an ally to the Muslim community). For that fast, Muslims do not eat while the sun is up. During that time, I felt SO liberated. It was amazing to just NOT think about food at all, it was (literally) taken off the plate. It also, sadly, made me realize how much energy I put into thinking about eating, not eating, what to eat, etc. This was at my highest weight. A week into this alcohol fast, I realize that I have been spending a lot of brain power and emotional energy around alcohol. My partner said it's like I was deprived of something very basic as a child, and have felt the need to ensure I will not ever be deprived again. Both with food and alcohol there is a constant line of worry, "will I get enough" "will I be satiated" "what if I don't get enough". I realized today that there is a lot more room in my brain without alcohol, or rather the wondering of how much and when and how. This is also a very low-level, subconscious thing, but it takes up space, you know? The good thing is, I know it hasn't always, at least where alcohol is concerned. So I am hopeful that I can at some point begin drinking socially again in a more relaxed, controlled manor. But we'll see. I'm taking this experiment one week at a time for now.
That's a lot!
And while all this has been going on, I have quietly had 3 days in the lower/middle of my range! Act as if has worked so well for me so many times before. In a week or so, I will forget again that this was so rough.