Wednesday, February 06, 2013
I became a stay at home mom a little over 3 years ago. At the time my daughter was just 3 and my twin boys were 8 months old. Since that time, I have struggled (without even knowing it until recently) with who I am. I have slowly turned into someone else.
Who have I become? The lady who gets the drinks, picks up the toys, picks up the clothes, and picks up the pieces. The lady who is told she's "mean" when the kids don't like my answer, that I'm not loved when I make them do something, that I do everything wrong when I get something wrong. I liken it to working for a boss who tells you all the time that you stink- it takes its toll on you. I've struggled with feeling important enough- as if what I do matters. Although I do have friends..feeling as if my only connection is with the people in this house and that somehow that has become okay with me.
I have no idea how I became that lady. I am a positive person by nature, but staying home has taken it's toll on me. Don't get me wrong, I love it most of the time. I love my kids and I love being able to take them to school, participate in their activities at school and all the stuff that goes along with that. But, as someone who worked hard at a career for 15 years to no longer even be able to have a pen that belongs solely to me is difficult to swallow sometimes. It's hard to feel positive all the time when you feel depleted by life. Now, I don't say that because my kids and husband are horrible- the opposite is true. I saw that because I've allowed myself to become that person. I have given all of myself to everyone and everything and refused to accept the assistance of my husband to allow me to remain..well, me.
I started a cleaning business with my best friend last year and it has taken off in a big way. I am working 5 mornings a week when my boys are in school and we even have a girl that works for us. However, up until recently when people asked what I did I would say "Eh, nothing really. I clean with my girlfriend. It will do until the boys go to Kindergarten or 1st grade". Something struck me the other day as I was putting down the business yet again..I thought "you're crazy. You started a successful business that you're turning clients away from. You're making as much in a week by working 2 hours a day as I would be bringing home if I worked all day and had to pay for before/after school care for the kids, you get to be here for them, adjust your schedule around them- you should be PROUD of yourself". The thing is, my husband has been telling me that for a year..I just could never see it myself. Until that day..it was the turning point for me. Why can't I have a NEW career? There's no rule that says I'm not successful unless it's the field I was in before I had kids!
I'll be 40 in May and I just cannot let another year go by with me just..existing. So,
I will lose this 40 pounds.
I will try things I've been putting off trying because I was afraid.
I will rediscover Heather.