The blog title? Yeah.. it's a real question that I don't have the answer for.

Had a rough night last night. Talking to a very good friend online. We’ve grown apart in the last few years, but still good friends. She lives 2 hrs from me. Things are going great for her and I’m really really happy about that. She deserves it. Over the holidays, her BF proposed. They’ve decided to rush the actual wedding by doing a very small (family and close friends only) ceremony on March 16th. It was her parents’ anniversary. Her dad passed several years ago and her mom’s health isn’t great so she didn’t want to wait. They’re doing a big party/reception in September when the weather is better.

Last night she told me the date and that I was invited next month. Let me stress, I am THRILLED for her! I’ve known her since 1994 when I started eventing. She was married and divorced before I met her, but since then there’s been a few here and there but nothing terribly serious. This guy isn’t a model but really treats her well and she definitely deserves it.

But I’m having serious depression breakdowns thinking about going to her wedding. First… there’s the obvious – I don’t like being divorced and weddings obviously remind me of that fact. I want to be there for her, but I’ve got to find a way not to break down in the middle of things. But more than that… I think there’s still a part of me that is holding on to the hurt when she didn’t come to my wedding with Thom. She didn’t… my brother and SIL didn’t… Thom’s brother and SIL didn’t… Chris’s parents didn’t. I know she had her reasons (not sure she attended many weddings period since her divorce) but it still REALLY hurt that she and others I cared about and were/are my friends didn't come (to be fair, the guest list was a minimum due to the type of wedding... but not many of my friends that I did invite actually came). I’ve never said anything to anyone about it, with the exception of talking to Chris about her parents (because their “excuse” has changed over the years from “I can’t watch my daughter’s husband marry someone else” (even though Chris performed the ceremony) to “I had to work and it was late”). Sorry… have to call BS on that one. But to my friend... nope, never said anything. I think it definitely "helped" with the distance the last few years though.

But that hurt rang out LOUD last night when she invited me to the ceremony next month. Not sure how to let that hurt go… especially when it’s now wrapped up in all the hurt of Thom leaving. Times like this really make me wonder why the hell I have ANY interest in cute neighbor man… because there’s obviously something wrong with me.

I really just need to get over it, don’t I? Wish I knew how.