How to deal with a wedding??
Wednesday, February 06, 2013
The blog title? Yeah.. it's a real question that I don't have the answer for.
Had a rough night last night. Talking to a very good friend online. We’ve grown apart in the last few years, but still good friends. She lives 2 hrs from me. Things are going great for her and I’m really really happy about that. She deserves it. Over the holidays, her BF proposed. They’ve decided to rush the actual wedding by doing a very small (family and close friends only) ceremony on March 16th. It was her parents’ anniversary. Her dad passed several years ago and her mom’s health isn’t great so she didn’t want to wait. They’re doing a big party/reception in September when the weather is better.
Last night she told me the date and that I was invited next month. Let me stress, I am THRILLED for her! I’ve known her since 1994 when I started eventing. She was married and divorced before I met her, but since then there’s been a few here and there but nothing terribly serious. This guy isn’t a model but really treats her well and she definitely deserves it.
But I’m having serious depression breakdowns thinking about going to her wedding. First… there’s the obvious – I don’t like being divorced and weddings obviously remind me of that fact. I want to be there for her, but I’ve got to find a way not to break down in the middle of things. But more than that… I think there’s still a part of me that is holding on to the hurt when she didn’t come to my wedding with Thom. She didn’t… my brother and SIL didn’t… Thom’s brother and SIL didn’t… Chris’s parents didn’t. I know she had her reasons (not sure she attended many weddings period since her divorce) but it still REALLY hurt that she and others I cared about and were/are my friends didn't come (to be fair, the guest list was a minimum due to the type of wedding... but not many of my friends that I did invite actually came). I’ve never said anything to anyone about it, with the exception of talking to Chris about her parents (because their “excuse” has changed over the years from “I can’t watch my daughter’s husband marry someone else” (even though Chris performed the ceremony) to “I had to work and it was late”). Sorry… have to call BS on that one. But to my friend... nope, never said anything. I think it definitely "helped" with the distance the last few years though.
But that hurt rang out LOUD last night when she invited me to the ceremony next month. Not sure how to let that hurt go… especially when it’s now wrapped up in all the hurt of Thom leaving. Times like this really make me wonder why the hell I have ANY interest in cute neighbor man… because there’s obviously something wrong with me.
I really just need to get over it, don’t I? Wish I knew how.
Member Comments About This Blog Post
Everyone is giving you the best advice that can be given. You do have to believe in yourself and for once put your needs and wants first. My first wedding after my first divorce was my cousin. It was a big fancy church wedding. I cried from the time I sat down till I left. I thought about it and decided it was because I didn't want her to get hurt like I was hurt and maybe raising children by herself like me. Weddings got easier after that. She didn't attend my wedding either. My own grandmother wouldn't come because she didn't approve of my husband. That hurt bad. Of course she was right and 13&1/2 years with 2 sons I left the marriage. I tried to make it work for life but I just didn't think God wanted me to have to fight so much. Don't hold it against her for not coming. Maybe she was like my grandmother who didn't want to see me so happy knowing in her heart how it was going to end. I would have left sooner but I was trying to prove every one wrong. Anyway go and enjoy, who knows maybe there will be a single guy there with a glancing eye.
1390 days ago
I can't really add much to the excellent advice already here, so I'll just say I agree with much of it. If you can muster up the courage (and I'm with you if you can't, it would be really difficult for me), talk to her about your hurt, both with the split with Thom, and her non-attendance of your wedding. Let her know how you feel, and that you're really having a hard time with this. If she is a true friend, she will listen. Maybe not agree, maybe even feel a little hurt, but she will give you her ear, and maybe give you an explanation for some of her behavior.
I also agree that you have to love yourself first, before someone else can love you back. Believe in what we see: a lovely, talented, passionate woman who loves her friends fiercely, and is an amazing woman in so many ways. When you believe that, and carry yourself like you do, others will see it in you, and they will appreciate you for those qualities. If they don't, it is THEIR problem, not yours. You're amazing, and don't let someone else disabuse you of that notion.
, hon. Stay strong.
1401 days ago
Maybe you should sit on the decision making for just a few days and toy with imagining what it might be like if you do go and then if you do not go.
it's a tough one. It's hard to decide what is best to do except that to realize that if you have a strong friendship it will survive whatever decision you make.
1401 days ago
OK, my gut response is to just tell her that you can not go to the wedding and send a gift, going to the reception in September. However, on second thought... maybe you should ask the cute neighbor to be your friend date so you don't have to go alone. Or decide that being there for your friend is more important than Thom and any other issues.
I do agree with the advice to talk it out with your friend who's getting married. Lay it on the line for her. First that you aren't sure you are ready to attend a wedding as you are still dealing with the breakup of your marriage/divorce. And that she hurt you a lot by not attending your wedding without explanation.
Hey, you are alive and you deserve to at be attracted to a guy. Whether or not anything comes of it. You are a bright, funny, active, attractive woman. You worth loving. I wish I could make you see you as I do. You are the kind of friend who sticks, no matter what until the very end (kind of like me).
No matter what you decide, it will be the right decision. **HUGS**
1402 days ago
Tammy~ I 2nd everything that Ladyj6942 said up there! You are worth the world! And you will get it, in time.
As far as your friend goes..... I think there are a couple of ways to handle it. You can be completely honest with her and explain the hurt, tell her how it made you feel when she didn't come to your ceremony. Maybe she has unspoken issues that need to be said. And if that's the case, then you two will deal with those issues as necessary.
You also mentioned that at the time of your wedding, that she was getting over the hurt of a recent divorce. She would surely understand the feelings that you are going through as the situation is now flipped.
Loving yourself has to be your very first priority. You have to love yourself before anyone else can love you...... in the way you deserve. Thom leaving has NOTHING to do with anything being wrong with you! Nothing. Period. It's time to figure out who TAMMY is and be the best version of YOU that you can be!
Love your heart, Girl. **HUGS**
1402 days ago
Thom's leaving may not be because of there being something wrong with you. Maybe he realized he's not good enough for you. It is tough to embrace being divorced/alone even if you initiate it and harder still if it wasn't your choice.
One thing I've learned is that you've really got to learn to like, and love yourself, flaws included in order to move forward and find the partner you truely deserve and who equally deserves you.
None of it is easy but it gets easier as you work at it.
For me: As a young woman, before kids, I was needy and clingy, so not the dating kind; became a mom and didn't really date. Married my ex for security/money but not love and went back to throwing myself at a married man for years; he was my first love; the father of 3 out of 4 of my kids; my rose colored glasses kept me blinded until I lived with him and saw him for him and realized how he neglected himself, his wife and his mother. Never mind the kids and me or my dog. Those rose colored glasses DESTROYED as well as the pedistal.
I moved out of that situation with my two youngest kids because they saw it wasn't right or good for me. I went back to school, graduated, dated several guys; some good, some bad, some played by my rules, others didn't. My rule, simply no sex, we had to talk and do activities and get to know each other before I would engage in anything physical, if they couldn't hang then adios.
In the end, the attached guy became my friend, got dumped, became my boyfriend and is now my husband. He was so worth all those things because I finally learned myself worth was worth fighting for, saying no, being dumped. Call me names, it's not me who has the issues, its them, they can't see past their own selfish need.
You are beautiful
You are smart
You are worth chatting
You are loyal
You are strong
and more and when you realize these things for yourself, carry yourself with confidence, you'll find Mr. Oh My God, I never thought it would happen.
Hugs and hang in there, he is out there.
1402 days ago
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