Wednesday, February 06, 2013
Warning, this may be depressing…
Apparently I am undateable. I am not sure if that is even a word. Which I hope it is not since that means there is a lot of that going around and I wouldn’t wish this on anyone else. So I am going to try to walk through this step by step and see where the problem may lie.
My friends all seem to like me. No one overtly ignores me. I get invited out to happy hours and to play trivia and see movies. So I must be quasi fun to be around.
I get asked to help someone move something or fix something or help them with this or that. So I must be useful and have some sort of skill.
People laugh when I tell a joke or make a quip about something that happened. People must think I am funny to some extent. Not comedian funny, but there must be a sense of humor in there somewhere or people wouldn’t laugh right?
I don’t think I am mean. I try to compliment people and make sure they know I think they are good or pretty or nice or worth more than they think they are. I try to let them know they matter to me.
I do not have a temper. Even my kids tell me the only times I get mad they know they did something wrong and that I am not reacting out of anger. I guess I mean they don’t think I am always angry or that they are walking on eggshells around me for fear of my anger. They also aren’t afraid I will hit them in anger or anything like that.
I mean I know I have flaws and I am not saying I am perfect by any stretch. But I am not bigoted or feel superior to anyone else. I have a decent job and make decent money but I also know not long ago I was working outside in construction. I never look down on someone and am always polite to others.
Of course then there is appearance. I hope it is not appearance. Since there is not much I can do about that. I am working on it by being here and working to lose weight. But otherwise there isn’t much I can do. Shave the goatee or quit shaving and let the gray shine through again.
I guess it could be my inner feelings of myself. Suffering from depression can make you a master at putting the good foot forward. Or at least I always try to. The interesting thing is, I am not sure how that is the case. Since in about the last 6 months I haven’t had more than 2 dates with the same person before they completely disappear without any word on what may have said or done. As was the problem in the Never Ending Story, it is just a vast nothingness.
I hate to say it but I am starting to shut down. I know I shouldn’t but I am starting to withdraw again. And it isn’t good. I know it, but anymore it takes a Herculean effort to step out and try. In the last 6 months I have probably sent out 50 emails on various dating sites and have gotten nothing back. I have made attempts to meet people out that have pretty much all fell flat on their face.
Just not sure what to do. Other than keep trudging and keep trying to lose weight.