Day 2: Things feel tenuous at best.
Tuesday, February 05, 2013
Well, I'm still feeling determined to do the damn thing. But I'm also sore from the gym. And hungry from dieting. And cranky from only getting 6 hours of sleep.
So it's tough. Usually if I'm tired, I tend to eat sugary things. If I'm hungry, I tend to overeat on carbs and empty calories. When I'm cranky, I will eat to feel better.
But tonight will be different.
I have the beginnings of a salad already made. I'm going to eat that and then watch a movie while I walk on the treadmill. Afterwards, if I'm still hungry, I'll have some popcorn while I do my homework.
After that, it will be good that I'm tired because it will be time for bed!
I woke up earlier than I'm used to today and I'm going to try and stay on that schedule. It will be easier knowing that I have to get up super early on Friday to get to the airport.
This weekend I'll be in FLORIDA!!! Which will be a nice change from snowy Chicago.
I'm going to see my mom, which will be good because she generally wants to eat healthy and exercise, though she often doesn't (sound familiar?) So I'm not worried about falling off the wagon while I'm there.
What I am worried about is my mom possibly saying something about my weight. She has a way of saying things that she thinks are totally acceptable but are actually really hurtful. It's like she thinks I'll appreciate her saying "Wow Jacki, you really put on a lot of weight."
"Oh really? I couldn't tell since all I wear is pajama pants and I don't own a mirror."
So I'm a little worried about that but hopefully I'll at least feel a little better about myself by Friday that if she does say something I can reply "yeah, but I'm working on it and I feel good about my progress." instead of just collapsing into tears.
My relationship with my mom is tricky die to her constant obsession with food and dieting when I was little. I think I starting "dieting" with her when I was 6 or 7. She always talked about how fat she was but she never really encouraged me to be active and she didn't make healthy food often.
When I hit puberty I lost all of my "baby weight" but because I was so used to being teased by kids at school and harassed by my mom, I still thought of myself as fat and then made myself fat through stress-related compulsive eating.
This is the root of my problem. I'm hoping to find a therapist in the next few weeks that can help me with this and other issues. I don't want to fall back into that bad depression.
I want to feel good. I want to be happy. I want to be healthy.
Ok, good talk. Time for salad.