Today my friend wrote about self-love for the month of February. She is an awesome person and really has some great points in this blog.
Self-love. What does that really mean? How can you get it if you don’t have it? What is it worth? Why is it so hard to remember to love ourselves?
Do I love myself? Most of the time I do, however, I don’t often treat myself that way. I almost always put myself last and other’s feelings and needs before my own. When I do decide to take the time for myself, to do what I want, I almost always end up feeling guilty. Why is that? What is it that drives me to feel that way? Well, I could blame my parents. They raised me that way. Both of my parents (whom I love dearly and are great people) did/do the same. I learned that lesson a little too well I think. I always think about how others will feel if I do/don’t do something.
My friends see things in me that I don’t see. They say I am strong, sometimes one of the strongest people they know. But I don’t feel strong. I feel like a dishrag most days, all limp and wrung out. I often feel like I can barely get through the day without the help of others, without their encouragement, or physical help. I feel so needy inside but don’t know how to ask for what I need. In fact I’m not really sure what it is that I do need. What would make me happy? What would make me feel fulfilled and loving and worthwhile? What can I do to make it happen when I’m not sure what “it” is?
I’m tired of being a doormat for others to use (and then often discard after). I’m tired of being in the background and often ignored. I’m tired of being passed over for anything. I’m ready, today, I’m ready to learn to be more assertive. To be more for me, to take the time and care I need without excuses. Without fear of losing others. To see myself as I want to be and then DO it.
This is scary. Admitting it out loud. I DO LOVE ME! I want the best for me. I want to be surrounded by friends, I want to be the first one picked and not just an add on (which I often feel like). I want to find my passions and then proceed to make it happen. The problem is that I have lived in the shadows for so long I’m not sure how. I’ve given most of my life to pleasing others; to trying to be someone else. I’m a chameleon.
Many of you won’t think so because you only know; the me you see here or have met once. Jenny & Kat know only the bubbly giggly me they met at the Color Run last year. Kat even mentioned she wanted to see more of that on the threads. Well, I was that way because she and Jenny and their families were, they are loud and real and we had a fantastic time.
But as soon as they and their energy were gone so was mine. I went home took a shower, ate some lunch and basically collapsed. They weren’t there to see me crawl into bed for 2 – 3 hours after the walk. They weren’t there the next several days as I tried to keep that energy up (and mostly fail).
My best friend wanted us to come up and go swimming, or even just hang out that weekend. I know we didn’t that day and I’m not sure we did that weekend at all. After being that “up” I crashed. I hate that. I want that lively, bubbly, giggly girl back. Maybe not all the time, but it would be nice to see her more than once or twice a year.
So today, my BFF & I are heading down to Disneyland to walk through the clues for this year’s Minnie’s Moonlight Madness Scavenger Hunt, the annual charity fundraiser for the Disney Employees. I can’t tell you much about it right now. I will have more details after the February 28th, when the event is completed. Because spies are everywhere and part of the fun is for the participants (all 1,400 of them) to discover the clues on that night. See they close Disneyland (or California Adventure) early and then once the park is cleared and the participants are secluded doing the written trivia quiz we set up our clues and they come through the park finding things, getting the clues answers and having fun. It runs from 9 PM through midnight.
It’s always a blast. I have so much fun but again I crash the next day. Well, obviously because of the late hour we get home (somewhere around 2 AM usually) the next day I’ll be tired. But it is also more than that I feel drained when I should feel energized from all that energy. I always take the next day off from work because I know I won’t be able to function. Which reminds me, I must put in the time off request today. OK. Done.
Oh, I used to be that bubbly, giggly, lively girl back when I was a child. But I grew out of it so to speak when I was 10. But that’s another blog that I’ve done in the past, more than once I expect. I want to be that way more without the consequences I experience now. I no longer want to be that chameleon that fits into any environment, changing with the situation because that’s the only way I know how to be accepted. I would probably make a fantastic actress. I can be anything and anyone as long as I have clues of how people want me to be.
I lead my life so much in fantasy. I read extensively and not nonfiction. I read to escape who I am and what’s going on around me. I role play for the same reasons and I’m pretty good at it, especially if I create a good solid background and motivations for the character. Again, that’s the chameleon in me, pleasing everyone else. I’m happy playing any character, especially those that others don’t want to play because it makes everyone else happy. Lately I’ve been trying to do that less and pick my character first, before I find out what others are thinking. It’s worked out OK most of the time.
But I am putting off stating what I want, what I need to become who I want to be. It’s all distraction for me. Because when I start thinking about what I want for me, what I want to do and become my heart starts beating faster. My stomach starts getting butterflies and my mind starts drifting to other things. Because I truly do not know what I want or need to be me anymore. I’ve gotten so good at being what other want and expect that I don’t know how to find who I am.
I LOVE ME. Just the way I am. I am worthy and special. I am not just Dave’s wife or best friend of… or the “good” daughter. I am me and I am worthy of love and respect just because I am. I spread sunshine and help people. I have a very messy home. I put other’s before myself. I keep saying I want to be Kal or BJo or Kat or mama Kal when I grow up. Because I see all of these and more as real no nonsense, tell it like it is people who could care less if you like them. If you don’t like them it’s no skin off their nose, it’s your loss not theirs.
Well, I doubt I will ever be that person. But I can be the best me and stop worrying so much about what others think. I can be proud to be who I am and not try to be… my sister (deceased), a herald, Bjo, Kat or Kal or anyone else. I need to focus on being the best ME! I see myself differently than what the camera reflects. I still see me when I was young and active and pretty (never stunning, or beautiful mind you as I look more like the girl next door).
So do you love you? If not let’s work on becoming the people we are proud to be. However, know this that you are my friend. And you are beautiful and worthy and loved. Because I love you. Just. The. Way. You. Are.