Tuesday, February 05, 2013
The universe allows us as many chances as we need to grow into our highest and greatest good.-NewNikki50
Last year I made a poor choice that didnít even take six months to cause me a whole lot of heartache, suffering and pain. Finally, looking honestly at the situation I had to take 100% responsibility for attracting the relationship to me.
In the throes of grief from losing two very dear friends who had recently passed on and being steeped in the fear of losing my adult daughter to a serious health issue - I was trying to escape my reality by filling the void of my friends and running from the fear of a potential loss. It was a mistake, a mistep. I did'nt know any better at the time.
Here is what I have learned so far about escape.
It keeps you running from yourself and your fear. You take you with you wherever you go butstill you'll do anything and I do mean anything, to stop the pain and the fear of perceived pain.
Starting new relationships, renewing old broken relationships, re-locating, binge eating, irresponsible spending, drinking and drugging in order to feel anything other than what you are actually feeling.
So what happens to the fear, anger, pain - that you are running from? Does it actually go away because you move to a new location or hook up with a new partner or spend your bill money? Is pain that is numbed actually healed or is it just being stuffed and temporarily avoided?
Fear, anger, dishonesty, feelings that are stuffed will resurface and will eventually have to be addressed. Stuffing causes psychological and physical symptoms like worry, guilt, sleeplessness, agitation, hair loss and back pain.
Stuffed feelings can show up as alcoholism and addictions, rage, despondency and acting out.
It took me a very long time to identify my own stuffed feelings.
After running around and around in a twenty year vicious cycle all it took to breakthrough was for me to finally be good and disgusted with the same old painful outcome.
I threw up my hands and begged, pleaded even, through tears and snot for the universe to show me a better way to live and to teach me how to love.
Soon after, I started being good to myself and taking care of me.
Then a miracle happened - a teacher showed up and taught me how to sit with my pain, anger and disappointment. Sit with loving kindness pointed deeply and directly inward towards myself and know that I am loved, supported and guided by the universe. I am now able to acknowledge with gratitude and grace that all that is dark in me is as real and as acceptable part of me as all of my light.
The journey is hard. It starts with one step towards your own willingness.
Begins with gratitude for the body you have and the willingness to treat it better and love it well. Understanding that as your body gets fit and healthy that your soul and heart can too.