Tuesday, February 05, 2013
I believe the most humbling experience is being able to lose a great deal of weight, gain it back, and comes to terms with yourself that "yes, that did just happen." When your down in the pounds it seems like the “old habits” and going back are never going to happen, but the reality is it’s much easier to do than you’d think. With every time that this happens, after the total mental cycle of loathing yourself and being angry you have to just accept it and move on. What are your real goals in life, is being a certain size something you define yourself by. But time passes and you would much rather be healthy and comfortable in your body than being overweight.
But before diving in again you have to ponder over some questions like…
"Was I really being realistic with myself?" I know for a fact that I make unrealistic plans for myself or look at exercise/eating right as not being enjoyable or try something too intense where it’s absolutely unreal.
“What are my real goals through my weight loss journey?” We all have a number, that wonderful number that you know you’ll feel like you really did it. Mine is 125, haven’t weighed that much since 8th grade. Honestly, I hadn’t even filled out the way I am now. I have a new goal which is 140, for my lifetime goal with WW. Once I reach that weight for 6 weeks my WW subscription will be free. I think realistically speaking I would like to be 130-135 range. The only way to really know though is get down in weight and see what’s maintainable. Yes I said, maintainable. As in a weight I can be comfortable inside my own skin and be able to stay around that weight.
“Is it my happiness really about a certain weight?” NO. It’s about feeling comfortable and being able to take pride in the way you look. I was a size 8 at my lowest and I wish I could go back and slap myself in the face for thinking I wasn’t even close to what I wanted to look like. I was happy. I was confident. I was fit. It’s about being healthy and having energy and the mind-set that I could do anything.
“What went wrong???” This is probably the biggest one where everyone looks back and ponders over and over. How did I do this to myself? I did take some time to see a mental specialist and together we were able to break through some questions. First off, I don’t hate myself. I love who I am, but I get angry at the way I handle my emotions with food. Some things I learned included the toughest re-wiring of my brain of not to be hard on myself. I have to remind myself constantly to calm down and relax. You can have control. The next is to have a plan. We found out that when I first used food to comfort myself it was to deal with loneliness and that when I experience feelings like that present day it’s associated to that moment in my life. Crazy what someone else can figure out in your head that you never were able to. So I have a plan when I know I’m going to be myself. I have a list of things I like to do/need to do around the house. I use this list to make sure I keep myself entertained/distracted or when I’m stressed I can do to avoid a binge. The next thing I did, is go back to weight watchers. I am back to planning my meals and packing for my day. I shouldn’t feel obligated to eat what people around me eat because this is my body and this is how I want to live.
Right now I am not working fulltime at my main place of employment for the winter. I know when I go back I need to carry the habits that I will be spending February cultivating. I can do it. I honestly have no desire to do anything but lose weight because this upcoming year is going to be huge planning for my wedding. There’s so many things that I just can’t be at a place that I’m unhappy with my body like engagement pictures, wedding dress shopping, bridal shower and of course the wedding!
I have some goals and ways to achieve them, but perhaps another blog. People, I am there with you. This will be my third go and I am hoping to God that this will be a permanent lifestyle and this will be the last time I ever have to feel like this.
Loosing weight is HARD. Being overweight is HARD. Chose your HARD.