Lately has been rough. I've been really sad and feeling really badly about myself, my life, and all around everything. My self esteem is at an all time low, my loneliness and hopelessness of finding someone to love and accept me was at an all time high, and I was just plain old unhappy.
I didn't know what to do. I've been on this roller coaster ride of weight gain and loss for what feels like my entire life. How crazy is that? That even as a child I was aware of my body compared to others? I've tried so many different things, and learned so much along the way, but still hadn't learned how to find the motivation to stick with anything.
So I thought about it. Really thought about it. Cut away all the BS talk about how "I know I can do this" and "Think of where you've been and know you can get there again" and all kinds of prideful thoughts that were holding me back. I was honest with myself and real with myself and accepted that everything I've done hasn't worked. And thought about what things have worked.
And I realized I needed help. I am the type of person who needs others to help stay motivated. I am a team person. I want to be with other people, doing the same thing, celebrating each other and motivating each other. I needed somewhere I could go when I was having a bad day, or needed a boost, or even just somewhere to go to be accountable for myself. So I had an idea of what I needed to do... but I wasn't entirely convinced.
Until I went to a new doctor and we spoke openly and honestly. I am very, very over weight (209 LBS at 5 FT). And diabetes runs in my family. strong. I am a ticking time bomb. I have a good foundation, and I'm wasting it. I have no physical problems, no allergies, no prescriptions, etc. I spoke to her about what I needed and wanted, and her words were, "I'm so glad to hear you say that, because this whole time I've been thinking of something I think will work for you..."
(Can you guess?).....
Meetings I can go to to talk to others? Learning tools that will help me change my lifestyle? Eating what I want, but learning moderation and the give and take needed? Awesome!
The best part? It's already a diet plan I was already doing for the most part, I'll just have less slip ups and be more aware and more accountable for what I'm doing. And it wasn't very expensive, and I pay by month so if it doesn't work for me I can quit any time without paying a fee.
I had my first class last night (I did a free class to see what it was all about and if it was for me) and ended up joining. Today is my first official day 1... and I'm excited. For the first time I feel like this is doable. I have no end day in sight. This is a life style change. There is no weigt loss compeititon, no stress, no "I have to loss this amount by this date" mentality. It's just a slow and steady journey, learning and exploring. I can't wait.
Please, please, please, whoever and whatever is up there and out there, let this work for me. I can't continue the way I was, miseralble, unhealthy, and alone. I need help. Please, work with me. I don't care about being skinny, or being a small size. I just want to be healthy.