Tuesday, February 05, 2013
Wow, where did the last two days go? Sunday was a lot of cooking (all healthy) and going to the gym. I might have overdone it a little with the core exercises because I woke up Monday hurting pretty bad, not just muscles, but my lower back which is super sensitive still. I have been drinking tart cherry juice to see if the claims that it helps with inflammation and pain are true, and it turns out it helps with sleep too, cuz I slept so well over the weekend! I know there is a lot of sugar in the juice, but if it helps to take some of my chronic pain away, I will keep drinking it until my core is stronger and the pain is taken care of through my exercise.
Monday was crazy at work, and I couldn't keep my eyes open. I've gone through this before, periods of intense fatigue and it seems to be accompanied by terrible headaches, so last night I skipped the gym and went home and got some extra sleep. I am feeling better this morning, so hopefully it doesn't come back today. I know that exercise and better food have been helping me not be so tired, but when it hits like it did yesterday and I'm struggling to keep my eyes open at work, I really wanted to reach for a soda with some caffeine, but I didn't. Pretty proud of that!
Speaking of soda, I had the craziest dream over the weekend. I remember that I was with a bunch of people at a restaurant and as we are getting up to leave, I look back at the table and realize I just drank a soda. I laugh about it now, but during the dream, it was huge. I couldn't believe that I had been so good for so long and that suddenly I had broken the streak. It felt so real and disappointing in my dream. I guess my body is starting to realize that maybe these changes could be for good and it's reacting in my subconcious. Who knew?
On sunday I also spent some time cleaning out and starting to organize my home office/spare room. I found some old cards that people had sent me, and buttons I used to collect. It was like going back in time. I have been avoiding some pretty bad news about someone really important to me recently and this trip down memory lane brought it home for me. I grew up with some really close family friends, I have been very blessed to have people who care for me as much as my own parents. One of these "parents" is battling a recurrence of breast cancer, and it is pretty bad. A few years ago, I knew four people who I was friends with or were friends of our family who were going through chemo and other treatments or surgeries for this terrible disease, and now it is back.
This friend who is currently going through treatments has been through hell. She's doing more treatments than I knew you could do with chemo because the cancer is that bad, and she's putting on a brave face, but I know it has to be so hard for her. And it's hard for my parents because this is their friend. And hearing about her illness takes me back to high school, because that is when her son died, one of my best friends at the time and my oldest friend, dating back to when we were born (well, when he was born since I came first!).
The summer before my senior year of high school I was driving home with a friend after having gone to play mini golf and noticed cars parked funny at a house a couple up the block from mine. It was the house of the girlfriend of this oldest friend. Turns out the cars were from the emergency response people. My friend had stopped breathing while watching a movie with his girlfriend and everyone was at the hospital. It was devestating. I went to the hospital and the three of his closest friends, we went in to say goodbye. It is etched into my brain so vividly, it could have happened yesterday.
The next week or so is a blur. I remember spending time at his house, looking at pictures, crying, being with friends, and I remember how strong his mom and dad were for all of us. And now, his parents are battling this disease called cancer.
So, why did this all come up to me today? I still miss my friend every day, and it hurts in the pit of my stomach to think that I am not taking full advantage of the life that I have and that he missed out on. I know that losing him at 18 was terrible, and I think that is when I started to put on weight and to push away friends. I am a very loyal friend, but it takes me a long time to build up trust and believe that my friends won't go away. This really started to be obvious when I left college, where I had some great friends, and tried starting over again. I have gained weight every year since then, and without a lot of concern for the damage I was doing to my body. I am trying to work on my self-confidence and self-esteem during this process, as well as the number on the scale and just feeling healthier, but I can admit that the weight has allowed me to stay away from the fear of dating for sure. I don't want to go through the pain of losing someone else that close to me again, although I know it has happened since and it will continue to happen in my lifetime.
I have a lot to work on, but telling my story helps, and hopefully shows people about my motivation and my inspiration. I want to live a life that makes me happy, makes my family happy, and makes my friend and his family proud of me. I'm not always this melancholy about my past, and I try not to focus on the sad parts, but today it feels good to write about it.
I guess it is easier to trust people who are "secret" like through this site, and I know that everyone who I have interacted with have been nothing but supportive. I appreciate all of the comments, hugs and support! It keeps me strong and moving forward.
Now it is time to get back to tracking my food, getting to the gym tonight and continuing to move forward in this journey. I'm looking forward, not backward today!