Monday, February 04, 2013
Maybe if I knew exactly what it was that I wanted, then I could lose weight and keep it off. I want to be beautiful and skinny and muscular, and I feel like no matter what I do, I'll always feel slightly homely, and I'll always feel exactly the same way I've felt at every other weight I've ever been. I will feel the same, no matter what, so what's the point?
Why do I feel homely? Because my face is puffy and has moles on it, and because my head is a weird shape--not nice and round in the back. And because I have blackheads and whiteheads on my face.
Most of the time I feel kind of pretty, but then if I look much at myself in the mirror, apart from doing my utilitarian daily maintenance like foundation, then I start feeling ugly and trying to decide what other people must think I look like.
But I've been told by a couple relatives that I look like my Aunt Carolyn, and she is beautiful. The moles run in that side of my family. I have one beside my nose and one on my cheekbone. They aren't that bad, really.
And my blackheads and whiteheads don't seem to be getting better no matter what I do. I'm 39 and still have this same skin issue I've had since I was 16. It doesn't make sense. It's just got to be hormonal, I guess? I don't even know.
My makeup is the wrong color. I realized that over the weekend. I want to get a new foundation. I like my pressed powder, but it's much paler than the foundation. I like the texture of the foundation, too. I think I just need a different shade of it. I am getting close to the end of the current bottle anyway, so that is good.
And I do want to run and exercise, but can't find the time or the motivation. A lot of that is because I have no schedule or routine, and never will have either. Ever. I have to simply get used to that, and try to just make myself do some sort of exercise, maybe at the end of the day at work. That might actually work well. If I could take the last half hour to exercise three days a week. Then it wouldn't matter if I didn't shower or change back into work clothes, because I'd just be going home anyway. That's a great idea.
So, that's one thing.
The thing about not liking how I look is just unfixable, as far as I can tell. I get no compliments from Jeff, and that will never change.
And I have high-ish cholesterol, but eating bacon in the morning is pretty much the only way I am able to lose weight. So, tomorrow I will start doing that again, and start South Beach for a couple weeks. I get to start drinking pop again tomorrow, after 28 days off of it. I don't feel better being off of it, I know that. And in fact, I eat worse, because I don't have the pop to fill that void of needing something to eat or drink when I need a pick-me-up.
So, starting tomorrow, I will:
1. work out at the end of the day for a half hour, even if it's just stairs the whole time. Once the ground isn't so icy, maybe I'll be able to start running.
2. start South Beach, and start eating my bacon breakfast again.
3. And this weekend, I will get new foundation in a better color.
Those are my little goals for this week.