Monday, February 04, 2013
My dads white blood cells are not mature to fight infections now, if it's not one thing it's another, he has bad diarrhea from the antibiotics. His sugar was been 29 and then the next day it was 59 and I'm not sure why all of a sudden he's dipping down like that.
I brought him a hot dog from his favorite place and he woofed it down like he hadn't eaten in a week! I can't really afford to be buying him treats as I'm not in a great financial situation and I'm trying my best to bring him things, the ones that can afford to don't do it. I feel like I'm in this alone with my dad probably why I feel so overwhelmed.
I feel so bad for him this is everything I was trying to avoid when first getting the visiting nurse, I didn't want him to ever go to the hospital and was trying to avoid all of this.
I really feel overwhelmed this has been a month from hell to say the least and now I'm trying to research nursing / rehab facilities along with trying to take care of myself and my own personal problems both physical and financial. I'm trying to get him somewhere I'd be able to visit because if he goes to far away I won't be able to visit him cause of the gas.
I have prayed and prayed for god to give me strength, today was a bad day for me physically the amount of pain I'm dealing with is unbelievable and I know it's cause of all of this added stress. I'm really spreading myself thin but I love my dad and I'm trying to keep him alive and if I don't do it no one else will.
Last night I cried myself to sleep trying to hide it from my husband but he knew I was crying and gave me a big hug, I'm feeling overwhelmed and I can't even imagine how much more overwhelmed I'd feel if I didn't have the husband I have, he's been a true blessing during this hellish month.
Every time I close my eyes I vision my dad as he was when I was a young girl, walking around and full of pi$$ and vinegar he never stopped was always on the go and now to see him in a bed ringing a bell to have someone put him on a bed pan is just heartbreaking.
I just wish my dad would get better so he could go home, but I know he'll never be as he was before this episode and I just feel when I do lose him this is really going to be such a heartbreak for me .
I wasn't allowed to visit him for 6 yrs before my mom passed away and now we've grown so close (we grew close last time this happened but when I wasn't allowed to visit for that year and a half it was so tough) I know I'm the one he depends on, he feels the love I have for him and he doesn't with my brothers, I just wish they'd stop finding things wrong with him (I'm in tears as I type). I just don't want my dad to give up with every passing day it seems there is a new obstacle for him.
Please pray for him!