Advertisement -- Learn more about ads on this site.


    STARDUST2K4   45,164
SparkPoints
40,000-49,999 SparkPoints
 
 

Looks shouldn't matter....so why do they?


Monday, February 04, 2013

I had this kind of paradigm shift today while I was scarfing down some ice cream. I realized that instead of enjoying the food as I ate it, I was quickly swallowing to make room so I could shovel in the next bite. It's embarrassing to admit it, but that's totally what was going on. It doesn't help that there's candy in the house....I know no one is forcing me to do eat it, just as I shouldn't force others to join me on my journey, but it really is frustrating. I do so well, but then lunch rolls around, and I just can't get a grip.
School is really difficult this term, but that's always just an excuse. The ONLY thing keeping me a float is the regular exercise and I'm drinking tons of water. I've been the same weight for the last month or so... and even though that's the case, I did lose inches, so that's great.

This town is so boring, and it's small. I'm not social AT ALL, and I don't have a car. There's just nothing to do except go to the gym, eat, do homework, go to school, watch television, and be online. I don't work, and I'm worried that if I try to find a job right now I won't even have time to work out, and then all my efforts will be out the window. I thought about going to the gym again today after my classes, but decided not to, as I had already spent an hour there this morning....Maybe when I start feeling bored, or the urge to eat, I will get to the gym again or take a walk-at least I'll be burning more calories instead of eating them.

Thankfully, I found out that I can see a counselor for free at school. I have an appointment next Tuesday. I'm hoping that it'll help me get over this emotional crap I've been feeling...

I guess I just kind of feel like "what's the point?" I ruined my body by making it fat. I threw away the best years of my adolescence being obese, and now that I'm 26, albeit still young, I feel like...I just THREW those years away....I'm not complaining that I'm "old" obviously, but I feel like I just threw it all away. Lol at least other people have had kids, and that's their reason for being over weight (no, I don't actually want any, but my point is I don't have an excuse for being 'fat')....I know that looks shouldn't be everything. That's so shallow, but I feel like I'm aging myself so terribly. I even feel silly wearing makeup and high heels and cute clothes that I would otherwise love. I know that by allowing myself to stay this way, I'm just letting more time pass, and I'll just age more and more, and pretty soon, I'll be 'old' for real and I really will have wasted my life being unhealthy...Maybe I'm thinking too far into the future....This is definitely something I'll have to talk to the counselor about.

I am glad that I exercised this morning. I actually got the the gym around 7. I'm thinking of spending more time there tomorrow. I feel great when I get there, and afterwards, but as the day wears on, I just get depressed, especially after classes when there's nothing else to do....I hate this, and I really hope I can get over this. I know this isn't what I really want. I want to get to my goal weight. I WANT to at least get under 200 pounds for ONCE in my adult life. I guess part of this is I haven't forgiven myself. With regards to this, I just don't really know how....
SHARE
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AMAZONRUNNER 3/9/2013 10:12AM

    At 6'3" with a large frame I've had to come to terms with the fact that I can "diet" all I want and I will never be one of those cutesy gals wearing the latest fashions in a size 6. Never! Can't believe how many times I threw in the towel because of an unconscious feeling that I would never be like others no matter what I did. All we an do is work on becoming our best selves. I am trying not to let regret hold me back and hope you'll do the same.

Report Inappropriate Comment
EBIELOU 2/5/2013 11:04AM

    I have definitely been here before. I've been here all too recently myself. I just found group exercises to go to, and I have met a ton of like minded individuals in those classes that quickly became my friends. You've got it! Goodluck on your journey.

Report Inappropriate Comment
HEARTBUBBLE 2/5/2013 8:39AM

    I completely agree with all the comments here. Something that I hold onto for dear life when I'm feeling this way (beating self up, self-downing) is the following:

I DEEPLY, COMPLETELY, WHOLEHEARTEDLY UNCONDITIONALLY ACCEPT MYSELF. WITH OR WITHOUT MY PROBLEMS. THEN BECAUSE IT IS TO MY ADVANTAGE, I WORK PERSISTENTLY TO OVERCOME THEM. ---Bill Borcherdt

That's it. That way, I don't beat myself up for not working hard enough on my problems. It's to my advantage, it's what I'd desire or prefer. I don't need whips or chains to drag myself to this new cool place I want to be,do, have. Now that I've posted it, I think I'll live just that much more up to it for the next half- hour. Thanks for posting, it's helps to see I'm not the only one.

Comment edited on: 2/5/2013 8:41:14 AM

Report Inappropriate Comment
_BABE_ 2/5/2013 3:00AM

    Wow there is so much here that is troublesome and strangely familiar. It does all stem from you beating yourself up....it doesn't help smarten you up, it doesn't kick you in the pants....it just pulls you down into a deeper spiral....so stop now for your own good.

AND Please do not think you threw your life away at 26 just because you spent it overweight. Your body is not ruined. If you want you could change your life and be a different person at 30....which in my estimation means you have your whole life ahead of you. Hey change your mind tonight and you could be a different person tomorrow.

If wearing makeup and cute clothes are only for those who think they are cute...then I suggest you join the club and the fun....figure out what is going to make you happy!


Report Inappropriate Comment
MISTYRIOS 2/4/2013 11:28PM

    I can totally relate to how you are feeling hun. I also feel like i wasted all of my 20's being obese...and I probably did. There were so many things I missed out on because of it. Now I am 30 and Ive realized that if I want to move forward I have to stop feeling miserable about everything I've missed out on in the past and focus on what needs to be done in the future so that I dont also spend my 30's being obese. I am going to do it and I know that you can too!
emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
RUNNERRACHEL 2/4/2013 10:54PM

    I think you have realized the key: forgiving yourself. What happened in the past is over and you can't change it.

We can't change the past but we can move forward. You don't need an excuse for anything that has happened. You are a wonderful, hardworking, kind, compassionate person who has already accomplished a lot. You are in school, moving toward your goal. You are in a healthy relationship. Despite a lot of difficulty with your family you have moved away from the unhealthy patterns and destructive behaviors you lived around and are making your life your own.

Only learn from the past and move on. I'm glad you have the opportunity to talk to a counselor about this and hopefully it will help you.

Also, your experiences make you a more compassionate person. Sometimes, we go through things that are difficult but you are able to help others with similar issues. You may encounter people who struggle in ways you've struggled and will be able to empathize with them. That is so important. Everyone struggles in different areas. You are definitely someone who has a lot to give. I know you will share sympathy with people you deal with in your work, your life, your relationships.

Keep moving forward. You are doing a great job. emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
REBBYREB99 2/4/2013 10:26PM

    Hey Stardust! You are definitely in a funk but you need to get out of it and fast! You are beating yourself up and that gets you absolutely no where! I know exactly what you are doing since I did what you are doing when i was your age. You have to believe in yourself! You have to keep telling yourself that you are worth it and you do deserve to be healthy and happy. I know that for me at 52 years old I will always have to work on myself and my weight. It is just what cards were handed to me and sounds like were handed to you. Get out of the house/dorm and move. You can not sit around and feel sorry for yourself cuz it won't help you at all. Walk, run, jog, ride your bike. Find someone who has a dog and who can not walk the dog themselves for what ever reason it is. Don't waste your time beating yourself up ok? It gets you no where but feeling even worse down the road when you gained weight. It is a vicious cycle so you have to meet it head on! Cmon you can do it!!!!!

Report Inappropriate Comment

Add Your Comment to the Blog Post


Log in to post a comment.