Monday, February 04, 2013
I had this kind of paradigm shift today while I was scarfing down some ice cream. I realized that instead of enjoying the food as I ate it, I was quickly swallowing to make room so I could shovel in the next bite. It's embarrassing to admit it, but that's totally what was going on. It doesn't help that there's candy in the house....I know no one is forcing me to do eat it, just as I shouldn't force others to join me on my journey, but it really is frustrating. I do so well, but then lunch rolls around, and I just can't get a grip.
School is really difficult this term, but that's always just an excuse. The ONLY thing keeping me a float is the regular exercise and I'm drinking tons of water. I've been the same weight for the last month or so... and even though that's the case, I did lose inches, so that's great.
This town is so boring, and it's small. I'm not social AT ALL, and I don't have a car. There's just nothing to do except go to the gym, eat, do homework, go to school, watch television, and be online. I don't work, and I'm worried that if I try to find a job right now I won't even have time to work out, and then all my efforts will be out the window. I thought about going to the gym again today after my classes, but decided not to, as I had already spent an hour there this morning....Maybe when I start feeling bored, or the urge to eat, I will get to the gym again or take a walk-at least I'll be burning more calories instead of eating them.
Thankfully, I found out that I can see a counselor for free at school. I have an appointment next Tuesday. I'm hoping that it'll help me get over this emotional crap I've been feeling...
I guess I just kind of feel like "what's the point?" I ruined my body by making it fat. I threw away the best years of my adolescence being obese, and now that I'm 26, albeit still young, I feel like...I just THREW those years away....I'm not complaining that I'm "old" obviously, but I feel like I just threw it all away. Lol at least other people have had kids, and that's their reason for being over weight (no, I don't actually want any, but my point is I don't have an excuse for being 'fat')....I know that looks shouldn't be everything. That's so shallow, but I feel like I'm aging myself so terribly. I even feel silly wearing makeup and high heels and cute clothes that I would otherwise love. I know that by allowing myself to stay this way, I'm just letting more time pass, and I'll just age more and more, and pretty soon, I'll be 'old' for real and I really will have wasted my life being unhealthy...Maybe I'm thinking too far into the future....This is definitely something I'll have to talk to the counselor about.
I am glad that I exercised this morning. I actually got the the gym around 7. I'm thinking of spending more time there tomorrow. I feel great when I get there, and afterwards, but as the day wears on, I just get depressed, especially after classes when there's nothing else to do....I hate this, and I really hope I can get over this. I know this isn't what I really want. I want to get to my goal weight. I WANT to at least get under 200 pounds for ONCE in my adult life. I guess part of this is I haven't forgiven myself. With regards to this, I just don't really know how....