Back in Limbo
Monday, February 04, 2013
I've been grazing quite a bit today. Not really out of control in the sense of huge volumes, which I've definitely done before, but I can tell there is some underlying upset to this need for putting things in my mouth. To top it off, I have a headache, which is pretty unusual for me.
SP is the first platform I've ever used to address my relationship with food and my emotional/mental well-being that has you REALLY look at what's driving you to eat. It's clearly not about just loving the food. The problem is, well, sometimes it's just plain easier to eat your feelings (in the short term anyway) than it is to actually face the reality of your life.
About two months ago my job situation was thrown into complete chaos. For half of December and just about the entire month of January, it was uncertain what was going to happen with my organization and my job. Everyone in our office was in limbo while we were waiting out the situation. After a much anticipated campaign I'd put together for 2013, I couldn't move forward with what I'd planned would be a very busy January preparing for the upcoming year. I don't handle inactivity well. You know what they say, an object at rest tends to stay at rest and I'd come to an abrupt, grinding halt.
What you don't know about me is that, at 45 years old, I've spent the last 25 years or so trying to figure out what I wanted to do "when I grow up". In my teenage years I'd been SO determined to follow my path- do well in school, go to college, get my degree. That was my ticket out of the extremely insecure financial situation I grew up in. I was a good student and loved school, so it was an easy path to follow. I didn't allow myself to get distracted by relationships because it would have diverted my attention.
I did well in college, although having graduated with a BA in Communications, there wasn't a clear path to follow into a career. I'd been so focused on the simple fact of getting my degree, which I thought was my ticket "out", I didn't give much thought to what happened after that.
Once I graduated I decided it was time I was allowed to take an interest in finding that guy for me, so I made that my next quest (I did have a job, but it was just that- a job). I eventually met Steve, believe it or not, through a dating service. One thing led to another and 2 years after I graduated, we got married. We are married to this day, happily I might add, going into our 21st year.
Steve is a member of the Professional Golfers Association and has been since we met. In fact, he was a golf pro when we were matched up (I swear I'm getting to the point here). What you need to know about him is he was a horrible student and barely made it through high school (EXACTLY the opposite of me). When he was 18, he discovered golf and decided that's what he wanted to do with his life. From then on out, that was it; there was never a question in his mind what he should spend his life doing. Then, there was me...
Fast forward to 2012. At least half our marriage we have worked together. Wait- I have worked with him (side note that we do compliment each other well in a work environment). Yes, of course it's because I've spend 20 years of our marriage trying to find what I love, CHOOSING what I love for my life's work. So, what happened is in about September of 2012 I "got" it- I really, really made my job into something I loved- I was having fun, I had a tremendous amount of flexibility with my time, I was making commissions so my income was only limited by my own efforts, etc. After years and years of discontent, which Steve lived through over and over again, I was loving what I was doing.
So, here I sit angry and lost and frustrated. How could it have been RIGHT THERE after all these years, and now it's gone? All the years of being embarrassed that I wasn't passionate and enrolled in my work, with a husband who didn't understand how fortunate he was to have found his calling at such a young age- how could it just be gone?
To top this all off, I have been presented with quite a unique opportunity to start a business of my own. I always said I wanted my own business; in fact, I've always thought I'd have one by the time I turned 44 for some reason (well, I'm a year late). But now, I'm filled with all this self doubt regarding my ability to actually make a business work. So, what have I done in regards to this opportunity? Close to nothing. I've not done the research I need to do and now the person that presented the opportunity must be wondering what's going on? To make matters worse? I'M THE ONE THAT INITIATED THE CONTACT.
So, you see, it's no wonder I am shoving things in my mouth. It's clear to me if I'm really committed to being well and moving forward with my well being, I have to take some action in regards to my work situation and this business opportunity because I'm clearly not honoring myself. As I write that, there's so much uncertainty. Of course, I can say it because I feel like it's the right thing to say (and the right things to do), but there's that nagging in the back of my head saying, "sure, you can say you're going to take action, but will you really? Or will you just stay where you're comfortable, not matter how uncomfortable it is?"