deja vu....again (1st blog in over a year)
Monday, February 04, 2013
Well, I did something crazy today, I joined the gym...again. I did something else, I logged into my spark page....again. I updated my weight (adding a whopping 12 pounds to my heaviest weight ever and adding another 40+ pounds to the "current weight" that I was when I left. I looked at my homepage and decided, humm, the fruit still looks cool, and a little motivating. I was going to then update my homepage when I read it and realized something, I still felt that same way. I still wanted what I wanted back then, only now I am heavier than ever.
I had a soul searching moment this morning and tried to figure out what it was that made me quit? Why had I given up? Then I realized I wanted a friend. I wanted someone I could walk with, train for a 5k, go to the gym, and just succeed with. Someone to push me, motivate me, and get me through the tough times. I went to the search page or whatever, and couldn't find many people at all in my area, and the two or three that I did find and messaged never replied. So after another week or so, I gave up.
Well it hasn't been all boring since I quit "dieting" with spark. I did the HCG diet for 21 days lost 30 pounds and almost got put in the hospital with low sodium, and potassium. I did low carb diet (keeping my carbs under 20 a day) for a whole week before I was so weak and sick I could barely get out of bed. I lost my job in November which gave me all kinds of free time to sit on the couch and eat. So here I am a year later the heaviest I have ever been, and dangling on the edge of depressed.
I have realized that I can't breathe, I have constant heartburn, i hurt somewhere all the time, I can't even be intimate with my husband comfortably. I hate the person I have become and I cannot stay in this shape...or even worse. so here I am, back again, starting over, moving forward. I will not dwell on what i didn't accomplish, but instead on what I WILL accomplish this time.
I need help, I need motivation, I need support. I need someone to email me or message me, something to let me know they notice if I am gone a day or two. I need a personal motivator...any takers???